Broken Vow
by Tinkerbell3902
Summary: After leaving Lulu at the altar because of his involvement in Michael's shooting, Johnny returns to Port Charles to find Lulu engaged to another man. But as hard as they fight it and each other, they both realize one truth: They are far from over. JoLu
1. Prologue

**A/N:** Thank you guys for being so patient with me and this story. I always get really super nervous when I start a new piece because I don't know if people are going to like it or hate it but finally here it is! It took me a long time to start this story but I finally managed to do it! So this story won by an overwhelming majority over at the JoLu board and therefore, this is my newest creation! I've also made a trailer for this story, which you can find on my profile :) Happy reading and don't forget to review!!

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_Tell me the words I never said  
Show me the tears you never shed  
Give me the touch  
That one you promised to be mine  
Or has it vanished for all time?_

_I let you go  
I let you fly  
Why do I keep on asking why?  
I let you go  
Now that I found  
A way to keep somehow  
More than a broken vow…_

"Broken Vow" – Josh Groban

**Prologue**

He was exactly where he knew he should've been from the beginning.

_But not where he wanted to be._

He knew that he was bad for her. Everyone had told him that from the beginning and he had even seen it up close but he didn't care. He was selfish. He thought that he knew better. He ignored everyone who told him that he would ruin her because he didn't care what people thought. He took her and he loved her. He loved her with everything that he had inside of him and more.

And he was happy.

Foolish, he corrected himself. He was foolish to believe that he could be the man that she deserved. He was foolish to believe that he could love her without consequences. He was foolish to believe that he would never hurt her. He threw back the covers and stumbled out of bed. He didn't even bother to look at the clock because time had ceased to matter when he left her behind. He flicked on the light in his bathroom and he sighed heavily as he looked at his face in the mirror. His eyes were sunken in, as if he hadn't slept a wink in years, and bloodshot red. His cheeks were covered in rough stubble in the dark brown that matched his hair, which hadn't been washed in days. He leaned over the sink, letting the marble cool his skin, and he shut his eyes so tightly that he thought his temple would burst. He didn't think that it would hurt this much. His heart had broken, shattered even, when he stepped onto that plane two years ago but the shards that were left inside of him still ached for her after all this time. He opened his eyes and watched as the same tears that he had cried yesterday and many days before slipped down his face.

He was a fool to believe that he knew better.

_He remembered standing in one of the many bedrooms on the Quartermaine mansion, fixing his tie for the fourth time, and grinning from ear to ear. His entire appearance had to be perfect because they were going to remember this day for the rest of their lives._

"_John?"_

_Johnny Zacchara, finally getting his tie perfect, turned around towards the direction of the voice. Nikolas Cassadine, his future brother-in-law, stood before him. He too was dressed in a suit, one that was probably custom-made for him, and had his hands shoved into his pockets._

"_Nikolas… what can I do for you?" Johnny asked, too deliriously happy to notice the serious expression on Nikolas' face._

"_Don't marry Lulu…" Nikolas said flatly._

_Those three words knocked the wind out of his chest. He turned around to face the older man and his gaze made the hairs on the back of Johnny's neck stand up straight. Nikolas had been the only person relatively on their side. He still didn't like Johnny and everything that he stood for but he was more accepting that his sister had chosen him._

"_Excuse me?" Johnny asked and Nikolas closed the door behind him._

"_Don't marry my sister today…" Nikolas said, edging closer to Johnny._

"_This has to be a joke, right?" Johnny asked, searching for any sign that he was kidding._

"_I don't doubt that my sister loves you… and that you love her… but the fact remains that you're still lying to her about your involvement in Michael Corinthos' shooting… how long do you think it'll be until the truth comes out? Do you really think that she'll ever forgive you?" Nikolas asked._

And that's when he knew that he had been so wrong. As quick as a snap of the fingers, he had woken up out of a beautiful daydream where they could've been happy. It had been a glorious dream but that was all it was, fleeting and wispy as a cloud on a windy day. Johnny shook his head and looked back in the mirror, trying to shake the images of his past away. He turned on the sink, letting the cool water flow into his hands, and he splashed water onto his face. He remembered how heavy the pen that Nikolas gave him to write with felt in his fingertips. He could remember how every stroke of the pen felt like a razor slashing across his chest. He remembered how he felt like he wanted to die as he handed the letter, saying goodbye to the only woman that he had ever loved, to Nikolas to give to his sister, essentially shattering her entire world. He ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes again.

"Get a grip on yourself, Zacchara…" he muttered to himself.

Perhaps he would sleep better now that he had emptied all of the emotion that he had stored up today. Days were easier to get through. Running the Italian operations of the Zacchara Empire took his mind off things until he was left alone with his thoughts at home. However, nights were unbearable. The loneliness kept him awake while his thoughts tortured him throughout the night. Night after night, he would reach for the one that he knew wasn't beside him and every time he didn't feel her, his heart broke all over again. He pressed the palm of his hand against his forehead and tried to choke back the hard sob that was building in his chest. Maybe for one night he would just be too tired to pay his thoughts any mind. Turning off the light, he made his way back to his bedroom in the Zacchara villa and he slid back underneath the covers. He cradled his pillow close to his chest and slowly drifted off to a much desired sleep.

* * *

The dress was staring at her.

Still pristine and perfect as the day that she wore it.

She had been so idealistic and so hopeful on that day. Golden curls pinned up into a neat bun with a matching white flower tucked behind her ear. White flowers with splashes of pale yellow in her bouquet and with her mother's pearls around her neck and the engagement ring that belonged to his grandmother resting on her finger, ready to walk down the aisle towards the man that she was going to spend the rest of her life with.

And she was so happy.

Naïve, she corrected herself. She was naïve to believe that fairytales existed outside of the books that her mother used to read to her when she was a little girl. She was naïve because she refused to believe everything that people said about that man that she was supposed to marry that day. She ignored the warnings and dismissed the good advice because she thought that she knew better. She thought that he was different but he wasn't because he left just like everyone else did. She pulled the dress out of her closet, admiring it in the dim light. She unzipped the clear garment bag and put her fingertips on the silky material. She let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes. She couldn't remember why she still had it. The last memory that she had of that dress was Carly taking it off her as she stood in a daze in her bedroom at the Quartermaine mansion.

But it was a beautiful dress… and she didn't have the heart to throw it away.

No matter how bad the memories were.

_She remembered standing in front of her mirror in her old bedroom in the Quartermaine mansion, taking in her appearance. She could hear the music that was outside in the garden where she was going to be married in less than a half an hour and she could hear everyone who was invited chatting excitedly about the pending nuptials. Her hands were idly resting at her side, fingertips touching the intricate beading on her dress. Her heart was beating so fast that she thought it might just jump out of her chest from the anticipation._

"_Lulu…"_

_She turned around towards the direction of the voice and her eyes fell to her older brother Nikolas. She smiled warmly and picked up the bottom of her dress in order to embrace him but he didn't return her affectionate gesture. His countenance was solemn and in his hand was a thin envelope. She immediately felt ice run through her veins and she knew something was wrong._

"_I'm sorry…" Nikolas said as he handed her the unsealed envelope._

_Her hands began to tremble as she took the piece of paper in her hand, noticing the familiar handwriting. The letter was brief and cutting, barely long enough to be considered a paragraph. She didn't even remember feeling her knees hit the floor as her legs gave out beneath her. She couldn't stand, breathe, speak, or live anymore because he was gone and he was never coming back. She held the piece of ivory stationary to her chest as she curled up into a ball on the floor of her bedroom, unable to comprehend her life without this man._

"_Lulu… maybe this is for the best…" Nikolas started._

"_How? How can it be for the best if he's not here?" Lulu cried._

"_Oh, Lulu…" he sighed._

"_We're—we're supposed to be getting married! He promised—he promised me that we would be together!" she wailed._

_She felt Nikolas' arms wrap around her but and she began to shake all over. Nikolas' kind and reassuring words did nothing to soothe her. Knowing that the arms that enveloped her did not belong to the man that she loved, she began sobbing uncontrollably, unraveling at the seams. She cried out his name over and over as Nikolas held her against his black blazer._

"_Johnny!!" she sobbed._

Lulu shook her head as she allowed her memories to dissipate back into the past, where they belonged. She pressed the palm of her hand to her temple and sighed. Why she allowed herself to dredge up such painful memories was beyond her. She zipped up the garment bag and folded it, silently cursing the moment that she pulled the offending dress out. She never wanted to think about him or the misery that he brought her on that day ever again. She huffed and quickly shoved the bag into the last box. She had to get back to packing up the rest of this closet. She was finally moving out of this apartment.

Moving out and moving on.

Her heart skipped when she heard the horn of her fiancé's car sound outside. She quickly went to the window and saw him climbing out of his car. She smiled and waved to him as he looked up at her and he waved right back. He immediately picked up the boxes that were in the doorway and began loading them into his car. Looking down at the new ring that was on her left hand, Lulu exhaled softly as the diamond sparkled in the light. She felt herself force a smile when she looked at the spectacular engagement ring that rivaled those of Manhattan socialites and Hollywood starlets that was now hers. In a few short months, she would be Mrs. Dillon Quartermaine. She should've felt like singing and dancing when she woke up every morning but all she got was a sinking feeling. Her gaze snapped over to the garment bag and she quickly shook her head. No, this time would be different. This time she would have her happy ending instead of despair. Perhaps she would be more excited about the marriage and the subsequent last name change as the date neared. She walked back over to her boxes and buried that garment bag underneath piles and piles of other clothes. Once the box was full, she sealed it up with masking tape.

"There…" she sighed.

The last remnant of Johnny Zacchara was now out of sight and out of mind.

* * *

Johnny set the palms of his hands on the balcony and sighed deeply. Looking at the gardens always calmed him. He remembered coming here when he was a little boy with his parents and with Claudia. He remembered how he and Claudia would play tag in the gardens as their father and his mother would watch from the terrace, laughing. It was the only time he felt normal.

"This house brings back a lot of memories…"

Johnny turned around to see Claudia standing before him, leaning against the doorway and a smirk on her face. She outstretched her arms towards her brother and when he did not eagerly meet her, she went to him and embraced her little brother. He hadn't seen Claudia in two years, shortly after he had left Port Charles.

He remembered the visit well.

_He had locked himself up in the villa with a few bottles of grappa, trying to dull the pain of leaving Lulu behind. He could barely hold himself upright from all of the alcohol that he had consumed over the past two days. He didn't even remember hearing her walk into the villa. He just felt someone take the bottle that he was nursing out of his hand and he groaned._

"_Drinking yourself into oblivion won't make you feel any better…" Claudia said._

"_Mind your own business…" Johnny grumbled._

"_You are my business, John… and I don't even understand what the hell happened… just last week you were ecstatic about finally marrying Lulu and then you bail on her and the wedding!" she cried._

_His heart clenched upon hearing his abandoned fiancée's name and he wanted to climb into that bottle of grappa that Claudia was holding and drown himself in it. He managed to rise to his feet and to stumble over to the liquor cart but Claudia's hand grabbed his arm, trying to pull him back. Johnny yelled as ripped his arm from her grasp._

"_Leave me the hell alone, Claudia! Why did you even come?" he cried._

"_Because I love you, John! Because two days ago, my brother ran away from the life that he's always wanted with the woman that he loves! I want to help you, John…" she said._

_Johnny buried his face into his hands and broke in front of his sister. He hadn't cried so hard since he was a little boy. Claudia held him in her arms as they both sunk down to the floor. He felt like dying on the inside because without Lulu, there was nothing left inside of him that was worth carrying on for._

"_How—How is she?" he asked in a voice that sounded like he was once again that five year old that sought out Claudia for comfort and she just shook her head._

"_Not good… I saw her for just a moment at the wedding… she was lying on the floor, clutching that letter that you left… Nikolas had to **physically** pick her up off the floor…" Claudia said quietly._

_The guilt crept into his throat, threatening to suffocate him. Hearing the damage that he had done to her, the woman that he promised never to hurt or betray, was devastating. He could see her on the floor, in a heap of white fabric, clutching that letter and crying out for him, wondering how he could've done such a thing to her. Claudia gently stroked his hair, trying to comfort her brother in the only way she knew how. _

"_My fault… it's all my fault… Lulu…" he sobbed._

Johnny shuddered as his last memory of his sister faded back into his mind. Claudia had released him from her embrace and she smiled warmly at him. She still looked the same, choosing only to wear black except for her choice of fire engine red stilettos. She pressed a kiss to her brother's cheek and he winced.

"I would say that you look good but then I'd be lying…" Claudia chuckled as she took in her brother's gaunt appearance.

"Nice to see you too, Claudia…" he muttered.

He turned around to go back inside and Claudia followed him. She immediately began to complain how there was no light in the room and proceeded to open up the all of the drapes and windows to let fresh air in. Johnny rolled his eyes at his sister's comments that he was trying to suffocate himself by not letting in outside air.

"You could've checked up on me through a phone call… so why are you really here, Claudia?" he asked, folding his arms across his chest and she chuckled.

"You can see right through me, can't you, little brother?" she laughed.

"You're as transparent as plastic wrap…" he grumbled and her face turned serious.

"I have two reasons…" she started.

"Hurry up with them so I can tell you no…" he said as he took a seat.

"Daddy's gone now… Alzheimer's… and I know that it's probably the last thing on earth that you want to do but the memorial service is next week and I'd really like you to come back to Port Charles…" Claudia said.

"The only reason why I would go back to Port Charles for dad's memorial is to check to see if that bastard is really dead…" he growled.

"I know… but I—I have another reason why you should come back…" she said.

"What is it?" he snapped.

She blushed and held out her hand. At first, Johnny didn't understand what she meant but his eyes then fell to the enormous ring on his sister's left hand. His eyes widened and he looked back up at his sister, attempting to see if this was some sort of a joke. After all of Claudia's talk about marriages and them being doomed to fail from the start, it just seemed that Claudia would be the last person that he would ever think would want to get married.

"When did this happen?" Johnny asked.

"A few months ago… the date is set for next month… and you're—you're all that I have left, John… I want you there…" she said, putting her hand on his.

"A bit sudden, don't you think?" he asked and Claudia blushed again.

"Well, Nikolas and I didn't want to wait…" she said as a sheepish grin spread across her face.

Johnny's eyes widened at the name of Claudia's fiancé. He didn't know what was more surprising, hearing that his sister was willing to take the plunge or that she was marrying the man that ruined his life. How could he possibly stand there and watch his sister pledge herself to the man that tore his life to shreds?

"Claudia… I—I can't go back…" he said, shaking his head.

"Not even to watch your only sister get married?" she asked.

"I can't go back to Port Charles…" he reiterated.

"Because of Lulu? John, it's been two years…" she said as if she were chiding him for still caring for her.

"Don't you think I know that, Claudia?" he snapped.

His heart knew nothing of the time that had passed since he abandoned her. The pain in his chest was as fresh and as raw as it was two years ago. Two days, two years, two decades… the pain would be the same. Claudia would've never understood. She sighed and put her hand on his. He looked up at her and saw the same concern that she had shown him since he could remember in her eyes.

"I know that it'll be hard for you… seeing her after all this time and you know that I wouldn't ask you if I really didn't need you there… but John, you're my brother and I need you there by my side…" she pleaded.

She reached into her black Marc Jacobs bag and fished out a small envelope. She extended the envelope out to her brother and he sighed. Plane tickets to Port Charles. He wasn't strong enough for this. He couldn't face her, not after how he ruined her life. And frankly, he couldn't stand to entertain the fact that she hated him for what he had done now. She bit her bottom lip anxiously, waiting for Johnny's decision. His hand trembled as he reached for the ticket. There were a million reasons why he shouldn't go back to Port Charles. Yet, his fingertips edged forward, reaching for the plane ticket. Everything inside of him was screaming at him to not take it but as soon as he felt the piece of paper against his skin, his decision had been made.

"Thank you, John! You won't regret this… I promise!" Claudia exclaimed as she flung her arms around her brother's neck.

"I hope I don't either…" he whispered.


	2. Be Still My Beating Heart

**A/N:** Happy Halloween everybody! I had some free time this morning so I decided to finish up this chapter and post it. Happy reading and don't forget to leave a review!! :)

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**Chapter 1 – Be Still My Beating Heart**

"May I get another one for you, sir?"

Johnny looked at his empty scotch glass and nodded. He was probably going to need at least three more of these to deal with the evening that he was about to have. Claudia had insisted on him having dinner with her and Nikolas and he figured that he had to be somewhat intoxicated in order to stomach both the mere sight of his future brother-in-law and his sister's uncharacteristic giddiness about their upcoming wedding. The bartender handed him another glass of scotch and Johnny downed it within seconds. He groaned as the amber liquid burned his throat. He knew that he shouldn't have come back and he had no idea how Claudia had convinced him that this was a good idea. Looking down at his watch, he saw that it was a quarter to six. Claudia, who was in the middle of moving her things from the Zacchara mansion to Wyndamere, instructed him to be at the dock at six o'clock sharp for the launch to ferry him across to Spoon Island. He knew that at this rate, he was going to be late but he really couldn't have cared less. He had no desire to made idle chit-chat with Nikolas and Claudia tonight and then attend their father's memorial service in the morning. However, his "better" nature got the best of him and he scooted off his barstool, not wanting to upset his sister by being too tardy. He quickly threw a fifty-dollar bill onto the bar, taking care of the tab that he had run up at the bar, and he began walking towards the elevator.

And that's when he saw her.

Lulu Spencer was sitting at a table on the terrace, looking down at her cell phone. Her golden hair was in soft waves that went well past her shoulders. Her lips were full and carried a faint trace of gloss. She was still as beautiful as he remembered. She was dressed in a white dress shirt with soft ruffles along the collar, a sleek black pencil skirt and matching black pumps. Time had definitely been good to her.

"Lulu! I'm so sorry that I'm late!"

She immediately looked up in the direction of the voice and smiled. A young man with blond hair was walking towards her with an even bigger grin on his face. He was tall but his spiked hair made him seem a few inches taller than he was. He was dressed casually, a moss green t-shirt, a pair of black cargo pants and tennis shoes, which was almost inappropriate for dining at the MetroCourt. He also had one of his ears pierced and a leather bracelet resting on his wrist. Setting down her phone, she rose to her feet and wrapped her arms around him and kissed him deeply.

"That's ok… I was just checking my emails from Kate. She and Maxie are in Milan for the week so I'm running the entire office. Speaking of traveling, how was Florence?" she asked, taking her seat.

"Eh, I've shot on location tons of times so it was nothing special… I just couldn't wait to get back home to you…" he said and he took her hand and kissed it.

Johnny could feel the lump in his throat grow, slowly cutting his ability to breathe away from him. Of course he wanted, and hoped, that she would find someone else that could make her happy. The last thing he ever wanted for her is to still be in mourning for their relationship after all this time but the last thing he wanted was to visually see her move on.

_Because he knew that he would never be able to._

After loving her, he knew that he would never be able to love anyone like he loved Lulu Spencer. All of the women in the world could never hold his attention and he knew that he could never experience that type of love ever again.

"You are so good to me, Dillon…" she sighed and he smiled again.

Still holding her hand, Dillon gently touched something on her third finger. Johnny squinted to see what had caught Dillon's attention and his stomach dropped to his feet when he saw the diamond that was resting on her slim finger.

"Mrs. Lesley Lu Quartermaine… or do you prefer Spencer-Quartermaine?" Dillon asked, looking up at his fiancée, and Lulu chuckled.

"Before we decide which last name I'll take, we need to pick a place to actually get married…" she said.

"You know that Tracy and Edward would love to have the wedding at the house… in Lila's rose garden…" Dillon started and he drew small circles on the top of her hand.

Johnny saw Lulu's face turn white and she averted Dillon's gaze. She quickly withdrew her hand from him and she curled her hair around her ear. A heaviness filled his heart upon seeing that a small bit of the damage that he had wrecked on her life still lingered. She looked like she was going to say something when Carly Jacks briskly walked into the restaurant of the hotel towards the couple.

"I'm so sorry that I'm late! I hope that you weren't waiting too long…" Carly said, setting down her black portfolio onto their table.

Lulu quickly hid her uneasiness and smiled warmly at her cousin. The two women embraced and Carly took a seat next to Lulu and began discussing details about having the wedding at the MetroCourt. With that, Johnny decided that he had procrastinated long enough. Looking down at his watch, he knew that Claudia was going to give him an earful when he got to the docks. He walked towards the elevator, making sure that he kept out of sight. He pressed the down button but was immediately grabbed by the sound of Lulu's laugh. He could listen to the sweet sound of her laughter until the day that he died. Carly was admiring Lulu's engagement ring and Dillon was looking on proudly and only one thought ran though his mind.

_It should be me…_

Johnny shook his head, banishing the useless thought from his mind. There was no use in obsessing over things that he couldn't change. He could and would never have her and even though he had accepted this as reality, it still stung every time he had to remind himself of it. The elevator doors opened and he tore his eyes away from the woman that he would love for the rest of his life and he stepped through the doors of the elevator. He knew that she would be happy with Dillon Quartermaine. He would give her everything that he couldn't. He would give her the life that she deserved. That's what he wanted for her. Even though it killed him to see her happy with another man, it was all for the best that she never see him again.

_But nothing could've prepared him for the shock on Lulu's face as her eyes met his as the elevator doors shut._

* * *

"It took you long enough!"

Johnny groaned but greeted his uncharacteristically overzealous sister as she waited for him at the docks. Claudia chatted incessantly about the wedding details while he just stared at the reflection of the moon on the black water as the boat sped towards Wyndamere. He couldn't get the image of Lulu's face out of his mind before the elevator doors closed. The look of astonishment on her face knocked the wind out of his chest.

_It was like she had seen a ghost._

And that's what he was: a ghost of the man that she used to know. The Johnny Zacchara that she had fallen in love with had died on that day that he left her in Port Charles. He wasn't the same man that had picked her up on the side of the road on that fateful night in September, or the man that had first made love to her underneath midnight sky on the Haunted Star, or the man who had vowed to love her for rest of his days, no matter how long that happened to be, as their world began to crumble around them. He didn't have the right to make such promises because he knew that he couldn't keep them.

And he broke her because of that.

The boat landed at the dock and Claudia briskly hopped off, landing perfectly in her red stilettos, and Johnny managed to smile slightly. She could be moody, possessive, and downright crazy but she was his sister and he loved her regardless. Why else would he have returned to the one place that he vowed he would never come back to? Claudia linked her arm with his as they walked up to the main house where Alfred, Nikolas' trusted butler, was there to greet them at the door.

"Welcome back, Miss Claudia…" the old man said cheerfully.

"Alfred, how many times have I told you to just call me Claudia?" she chuckled as Alfred closed the door behind Johnny.

"I insist, Miss Claudia… but welcome Mr. Zacchara…" Alfred said, turning towards Johnny.

"John or Johnny will do just fine…" Johnny politely insisted as he began to take off his coat.

"Oh, allow me… Master Nikolas is in the dining room…" Alfred said, taking Johnny's coat and then escorting them into the dining room.

Nikolas, with a glass of brandy in his hand, was looking at one of the many paintings that adorned the formal dining room at Wyndamere. He was dressed immaculately as always with a crisp grey button up shirt, black slacks, and Italian loafers. His gaze immediately snapped to the three of them as they entered the dining room and he smiled affectionately at Claudia. He extended his hand out to his fiancée and she gladly took it and was eagerly swept into Nikolas' arms.

"Miss me?" Claudia asked before he planted a kiss on her lips.

"Whenever you leave a room…" he said.

Johnny rolled his eyes and cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with witnessing his sister's amorous actions. Claudia laughed softly as Nikolas released her from his arms.

"Sorry, John…" she said.

She probably wasn't sorry for showing her affection towards Nikolas. Nikolas and Johnny locked eyes and Nikolas' smile faded while Johnny's lip curled in distaste. Although it was partially his own fault for why things didn't work out with Lulu, Nikolas was the one who forced his hand to leave Lulu. Nikolas had countless opportunities to blow the secret but instead chose to lull Johnny into a false sense of security, saying that he wouldn't divulge the secret, only to pull the theoretical rug from underneath him and blackmailed him into leaving her on the day of their wedding.

"John…" Nikolas said tersely, extending his hand out to his future brother in law.

"Nikolas…" Johnny said curtly, shaking the man's hand.

Thankfully, the kitchen staff came into the dining room, carrying trays of food for dinner, breaking the awkward moment. They all took their seats at the dining room table, Nikolas sitting close to Claudia on one side of the table and Johnny on the other side.

"So, when's dad's memorial?" Johnny asked, as a member of the kitchen staff placed a plate in front of him.

"Tomorrow morning… and don't get mad but we're having a small gathering here tomorrow to celebrate our upcoming marriage and we'd love for you to come…" Claudia said, placing her hand on Nikolas'.

"No way… that wasn't our deal… I only agreed to dad's memorial and your wedding… as soon as the wedding is over with, I'm getting on a plane to go back to Milan…" Johnny insisted.

"Oh come on, Johnny! You're already in town and it's just a small get together… just some friends and family… it's nothing serious." Claudia sighed and Johnny sensed that his protests were starting to wear his sister down. However, his blood ran cold as soon as the words passed over his sister's lips.

_Lulu._

Lulu would definitely be at the party. She was Nikolas' only sister and they had always been close. There was no way that Lulu wouldn't be at the engagement party. He then flashed to her eyes at the MetroCourt. They were full of shock and, dare he say, fear. In the back of his mind he knew that he would run into her, and he would've been lying if he said that he had no desire to see her, but the thought of being in the same room, watching their siblings exchange vows that they were supposed to do two years ago would be excruciating for him.

"You know I can't do this, Claudia…" Johnny whispered.

Dinner had concluded and Nikolas was upstairs putting Spencer to bed. Johnny was sitting in one of the armchairs in the living room, head in his hands. Though he couldn't see it, the expression on Claudia's face was one of concern. She put her hand on his shoulder and sighed.

"I knew that this would be hard for you…" she began.

"No, Claudia… not hard… _impossible_…" he said, looking up at his sister, and she sighed heavily.

"And I know that I'm asking so much of you but you know that I wouldn't ask you if I really didn't need you here for me." Claudia insisted.

"I know… but I'm here aren't I?" he sighed and she offered a small smile.

"If you need me to keep saying thank you for being here then I will…" she laughed, putting her hand in his.

Despite all his protests and all of her craziness, Johnny loved his sister dearly and maybe a small part of him was glad that he was back in Port Charles. He put his arms around Claudia and she kissed his cheek affectionately.

"I hate this, John… I hate seeing you like this… you're still hung up on her and I don't understand why. Why after all this time does she still have a hold on you? After all, it was you who left her, John… remember?" she asked.

She didn't understand and how could she? She didn't know that her loving fiancé was the one who had twisted his arm to get him to abandon her. He never liked keeping secrets from his sister but this would be one that he would have to. She looked so happy with Nikolas, happier than he had ever seen her, and as much as he wanted to out Nikolas for what he had done, he couldn't do that to her. He wouldn't let his bitterness make her lose her happiness.

"Of course I remember… how could I ever forget?" he cried.

"But she's moved on, Johnny… I mean, she's getting married soon too… and I think it's time for you to do the same and move on… your life can't just stop because of one choice or decision..." she said.

"I know but… I'll never forgive myself for it…" he whispered.

* * *

"You didn't sleep well last night…"

Lulu looked up from her morning coffee at Dillon and smiled. He was always so attentive and protective of her. She leaned over the kitchen island that separated them and she plucked a piece of toast from his plate and he chuckled.

"Not really… wedding planning has got me super frantic… and trying to decide on a location for our wedding is difficult." Lulu said, taking a bite.

"Well you're the one who wanted to look at more locations. After Carly's impressive presentation about weddings at the MetroCourt, I was ready to sign on the dotted-line to have our wedding there…" Dillon reminded her.

Lulu set down her cup of coffee and looked down at the counter. It wasn't a lie to say that planning a wedding was the only thing that was causing her to lose sleep. The last time that she had gone through the notions of finding a venue, deciding on a caterer, picking flowers, trying on dresses, and creating a guest list, the result was catastrophic. The doubts and the fears came rushing back. She had been left before and it nearly destroyed her. She told herself and everyone else that would listen that she was over what had happened and that she was moving forward with her life but deep down she knew that it wasn't completely true.

_And seeing Johnny Zacchara after two years confirmed it._

Locking eyes with him for that split second was enough to make her heart stop beating. She almost ran to the doors just to make sure that her condition hadn't come back and she wasn't hallucinating. It had been so long since she had seen his face and it brought her right back to the night when they first met.

_Dark hair… dark eyes…_

"Hey, are you alright?" Dillon asked and Lulu snapped out of her reverie.

"Y—Yeah, I'm alright…" she said, running her fingers through her hair.

"Alright… we'll I'm headed into Manhattan for the day for a conference at NYU… are you going to be ok?" he asked, putting on his jacket.

"Of course!" she insisted.

Dillon smiled and gave Lulu a kiss on the forehead. He walked out of their kitchen and her mind immediately started racing again. Why in the world had he come back now of all times? She was about to get married. She had worked so hard to put everything behind her and with one little glimpse of him, she was right back there in that bedroom, feeling like she was suffocating and falling into an endless darkness.

"Lulu?"

Lulu looked up and saw Nikolas standing in the door of the kitchen. He smiled and Lulu walked around the kitchen island to hug him. There was something about her older brother's presence that was immediately calming to her. She had often said that she was all impulse and he was her conscious.

"I was just on my way up when I saw Dillon and he let me in… I hope that's alright…" Nikolas said.

"Nikolas, you never need a reason to come see me… can I get you some coffee? It may not be as good as the cappuccinos that Alfred makes but at least it's strong…" she offered.

"Sure…" he said, taking a seat across from her.

"So how's Claudia?" she asked.

"She's great… excited and nervous about the wedding… oh and that reminds me, we're having a little cocktail party this evening at Wyndamere… nothing too formal… just to celebrate the wedding." Nikolas said with a content smile on his face.

She was truly happy for Nikolas. After numerous romantic debacles, her brother had finally met a woman that made him truly happy. Sure Lulu and Claudia had some problems in the past but since she made her brother so deliriously happy, she couldn't help but to accept her as a good influence in Nikolas' life.

"Alright, I'll have to go through my closet to find something to wear then…" she laughed.

"That's actually why I came over… I have something to tell you and I didn't think it would be the news that you would want to hear over the phone…" he said, his tone getting more serious.

"What is it?" she asked, brow furrowed into a questioning expression.

"Claudia invited Johnny to the wedding… he's—he's in town right now. Claudia wanted him to stay with us at Wyndamere but he 'did not want to impose' so he's staying at the Zacchara house until after the wedding. He and Claudia are at Anthony's memorial service right now…" he explained.

She already knew that Johnny was here in Port Charles but hearing it confirmed from Nikolas still made her stomach drop. That was why he was here: to watch his sister get married… to her brother.

_Fate was a cruel bitch sometimes. _

"He's going to be at the cocktail party tonight, isn't he?" she asked softly.

"Yeah, he is… he wanted to back out of it but Claudia was adamant that he come since he's one of her only family members left. I just—I just wanted to give you fair warning… I didn't want you to be blindsided…" he said, putting his hand on her shoulder.

She managed to smile a little bit. Nikolas was always looking out for her, acting as her protector, and she loved him for that. It was him after all that physically and emotionally picked her up when she could find the strength to do so when Johnny had left her. She leaned over and gave her brother a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you for giving me the heads-up but I'll be fine… why should I care if Johnny is going to be there at the party? He's probably moved on and so have I… he—he means nothing to me now…" she exhaled as she poured a fresh cup of coffee for him.

"Of course… and don't forget, you're getting married too…" he pointed out.

"Exactly… to a wonderful man… I'm—I'm fine… perfectly fine…" she muttered.

She picked up her coffee mug and took a long sip, attempting to choke down the immense lie that she just told.


	3. Shape of My Heart

**A/N**: I've been working on this chapter almost all day, trying to get the chapter be how I wanted it to be, and it was a tough one to write. However, I finally managed to get it done! *happy dance* So, happy reading and keep those reviews coming! I love reading what you guys have to say :)

* * *

**Chapter 2 – Shape of My Heart**

Johnny looked down at his watch and sighed heavily. The cocktail party had begun about thirty minutes ago and he was standing outside of the main parlor on the balcony. He had no desire to even be there let alone make idle conversation with the inhabitants of Port Charles. They probably all despised him anyway for what he had done to Lulu and he didn't blame them. He deserved their cold stares and snide remarks, telling their neighbors about how he had the nerve to show his face in town after all the damage that he inflicted.

"John?"

He turned around and his eyes met with his sister's and she smiled. She was wearing a black knee-length dress with a diamond necklace, a present from Nikolas most likely, and matching black heels. He didn't say anything but just returned to his contemplative stance as he looked over the grounds of Wyndamere.

"Is everything ok?" she asked quietly as she stood next to him at the balcony.

"I'm fine…" he exhaled but Claudia knew her brother too well.

"You're a horrible liar…" she chuckled and he managed to crack a small smile.

"I'm sorry… I'm not really in a celebratory mood right now, I guess…" he muttered.

"Yeah, but you came and I'm so grateful for that, Johnny…" she said.

She linked her arm with his and looked up at him, smiling brightly. His sister's transformation from cynical and scorned woman to loving fiancée was quite remarkable. Claudia rested her head on her little brother's shoulder and sighed softly, looking back into the room where the party was taking place.

"She's not here yet, John…" she whispered.

"Who?" he asked, feigning ignorance of who she was referring to.

"Lulu isn't here yet… I know that's why you're out here… you don't want to see her…" she said and Johnny groaned, shrugging his sister's embrace off him.

"Claudia, I thought that we weren't going to talk about this…" he warned.

"Well, I can't ignore it anymore… John, this is eating you alive... let me help you…" she said but he vehemently shook his head.

This was his burden to bear and no one else's. He had made the decision to abandon her and he alone would have to suffer the consequences. He would perform this perverse penance for as long as he lived because it was what he deserved. It was the only way to make this right. He felt Claudia's slim hand come to his shoulder and he exhaled shakily. She meant well and he was grateful for that but there was nothing that she could do or that he would even allow her to do for him.

"Well, can we at least go back inside? It's starting to get chilly and I will not have you sporting a fever and a runny nose at my wedding…" she laughed and he nodded.

He followed her back into the parlor and the room got noticeably quieter as Johnny stepped through the doors. He saw the eyes of Elizabeth Webber, Alexis Davis and Carly Jacks narrow on him before they resumed their conversations. Attempting to ignore the onslaught of glares that were being hurled in his direction, Johnny made his way over to the bar area where he picked up a glass of scotch.

"Scotch over champagne? Not in much of a celebratory mood, huh?"

Johnny turned around to see Nikolas Cassadine standing before him. Again, he was in a black tailored blazer and matching slacks and he carried himself like he was ten feet tall, as all Cassadines were taught to. Johnny didn't respond to his future brother-in-law but rather just rolled his eyes and took another long sip from his glass.

"I have some advice for you…" Nikolas said.

"I guess that I must've missed the part where I said that I wanted advice from you…" Johnny bit back and Nikolas let out a small laugh.

"Fair enough… look, I know that I'm not your favorite person right now…" Nikolas started.

"Or ever…" Johnny muttered.

"But I just got word from the docks… Lulu's on her way over on the launch as we speak…" Nikolas said.

"And let me guess, you want me to stay away from her… don't worry, Nikolas… I have no intentions of seeking Lulu out or telling her that it was you who made me leave her at the altar…" Johnny said.

Nikolas' eyes narrowed in contempt towards his soon-to-be brother-in-law and Johnny met his angry glare with one of his own.

"I was protecting my little sister…" Nikolas growled.

"And you're _damn_ lucky that I'm not protecting mine right now… I could tell Claudia what really happened two years ago so that she knows what kind of man she's marrying but I won't… because despite how much I despise you, she loves you… and I want my sister to be happy, even if it is with you…" Johnny said.

Nikolas gave him a terse nod and returned to Claudia's side. Johnny took another glass of scotch from the bar and gulped it down quickly. He thought about quietly sneaking away from the party and heading back to the mainland but he knew that he was trapped. There was no way that he could escape from Wyndamere without running straight into her. He gripped the glass as the alcohol burned his throat and then ran his fingers through his dark hair.

"Lulu! You're here!"

It was Carly's voice that called to Lulu but he did not dare move a muscle. Fear was something that rarely shook him to his core but in that moment, with his back to the parlor doors where she undoubtedly stood, cold fear paralyzed him. Staring down the barrel of a gun or down a twelve story drop was something that he used to laugh at but now it was the eyes of a girl that scared him the most. He was afraid to look into her eyes and see the hatred and the betrayal in her eyes when all he wanted to see in them were the love and adoration that was reserved only for him that used to fill her beautiful irises.

_Exhaling deeply, he slowly turned around, succumbing to his fate._

* * *

"You seem anxious…"

Lulu immediately stopped fidgeting with her fingers and flashed Dillon a smile as they sped along the water towards Spoon Island. She was starting to think that Nikolas' warning earlier this morning didn't do anything to ease her nerves but rather just excite them even more. Her heart was beating so fast and so hard that it felt as if it was leaping up into her throat. Dillon took her hand in his and she flinched slightly.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Your hands are just cold, that's all…" she said and he smiled sheepishly.

"I'm sorry… here, I'll warm them up for you a bit…" he said and he began to rub them together.

His now warm hands encased hers but it did nothing to calm her. The fact still remained that she was about to come face to face with Johnny Zacchara after two years. In her mind, she had tried to downplay the significance of the night but her heart couldn't make the same rationalizations as her brain could. The boat lurched to a stop and parked next to the dock. The driver of the boat propped up the ladder and both Lulu and Dillon climbed out of the small boat and onto the dock. Dillon extended his arm out to his fiancée and she linked her arm with his, clutching to him like a crutch as they made their way towards the house.

"Miss Lulu! Master Dillon! So glad that you are able to join us…" Alfred said, eagerly taking their coats.

"Sorry for being so late… an emergency at the office came up…" Lulu apologized.

"Not at all… please, everyone is in the parlor…" Alfred said, leading the way.

Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears now with every step that she took. Every step brought her closer to the past that she thought that she had shut away forever. It had taken her so long to finally put it behind her and now the door had just burst wide open and all of the demons that she thought that she had conquered were free to come back and haunt her again.

"Lulu! You're here!"

Carly's voice was bright and exuberant as it always was and it brought her out of her thoughts. She felt Carly's arms wrap around her and Lulu returned her cousin's embrace. As Carly's incessant chatter started up, Lulu looked up into the crowd of people that were now looking in their direction. All of those faces staring at her, looking at her if she were a porcelain doll that would shatter in an instant, and their scrutinizing glares were probably going to make her crack underneath the immense pressure that was exuding from their eyes.

_But only one set of eyes held her attention._

Johnny Zacchara was standing at the bar, dressed like most of the men in the parlor with a black blazer and black slacks but with a white dress shirt that wasn't fully buttoned and slightly rumpled. His chocolate colored eyes were wide, like a deer caught in headlights, reminiscent of the look on his face when their eyes met at the MetroCourt. She gripped Dillon's arm tightly because she was certain that the floor had disappeared underneath her feet.

"Hey, are you alive in there?" Carly asked, waving her hand in front of her cousin's face.

"Y—Yeah… of course I am… why wouldn't I be?" Lulu asked.

Dillon put his arm around his fiancée and squeezed her affectionately. Johnny's eyes tore from hers, almost as if he was in agony, and turned his attention back to the bartender. She exhaled shakily and began her tour around the room, saying hello to all of the guests at Claudia and Nikolas' party. The faces and the mindless small talk washed over her in a fog. She stood relatively silent as people admired her engagement ring and Dillon relayed information about their upcoming nuptials. All the while, she was willing herself to not look over at the bar.

"Do you know that man standing at the bar?" Dillon whispered.

"What man?" Lulu asked, not even bothering to look up.

"The one who keeps trying hard not to have anyone notice that he's been staring at you from across the room for the past half-hour…" he chuckled.

"That would be John Zacchara…" she exhaled.

"Claudia's brother?" he asked, incredulously.

"Yeah… he used to live here but moved away about two years ago… he must be back for the wedding…" she said.

She hadn't disclosed the details of her relationship with Johnny to Dillon because there was nothing to say. Johnny had been the one to walk out on her and when he did, she no longer wanted to even bring him up. She had shut the door on that life and not even the promise of full disclosure with her fiancé could ever break that. Dillon stared at Johnny intently with a scrutinizing eye.

"Didn't you date him for a while?" he asked.

"Yes but nothing came of it…" she said quickly, wanting to dismiss the subject all together.

"What happened?" he asked but she shook her head.

"Excuse me for a minute… I need to go to the ladies' room…" she said, turning away from him.

Dillon nodded, the look of concern resonating in his eyes. She made her way through the crowd of people and into one of the ornate bathrooms. If she didn't know any better, she would've thought that she was having panic attacks whenever the subject of Johnny Zacchara came up. She turned on the water from the faucet but turned it off when she realized that she would ruin her makeup if she splashed cold water on her face. She set her hands flat on the marble countertop and exhaled shakily, trying to regroup her emotions.

"This is ridiculous… he left… he left you… on your wedding day with just a stupid note saying that he was sorry… and you're falling apart at the mere sight of him…" she said, looking at her reflection in the mirror.

She closed her eyes, continually thinking about how ridiculous her reaction to Johnny was, and she gradually calmed her frazzled nerves. She grabbed her black purse and headed out the door. She pressed her fingertips to her temple as she walked and smacked into another person.

"Oh my god, I'm so—" she started but her voice disappeared when she looked up.

Johnny Zacchara was looking down at her, his hands on her shoulders as if he had just caught her. His hands were still large but soft like she remembered and so warm on her bare skin. His face was still as perfect as she remembered with the same angular bone structure, perfectly sculpted lips and expressive brown eyes. For a split second, she forgot that the man that was standing in front of her had broken her so badly.

"Lulu…" he whispered in that voice that seemed foreign but familiar at the same time.

"Johnny…" she sighed.

"You look—you look well…" he said, removing his hands from her shoulders and putting them into his pockets.

"Thank you… and so do you…" she said, folding her arms across her chest.

He smiled meekly at her and his eyes fell to her hand, specifically her left and the ring that was glimmering in the light. She caught his gaze and immediately blushed. She knew that he would find out about her engagement, if he didn't know already, and it didn't give her the sense of ease or the sense of satisfaction that she hoped for.

"That's quite a ring…" he said softly.

"Yeah… I told Dillon that it was too much when he proposed…" she laughed nervously.

"Congratulations, he's a lucky man…" he said.

Suddenly, the conversation had stumbled into that awkward territory about marriage, that very same union that was supposed to unite them for the rest of their days but that now stood between the two of them.

"Yeah, Dillon tells me that every day…" she said, shifting her weight uneasily.

"I tell you what every day?" Dillon asked, coming up behind her.

Her fiancé pressed a kiss to the back of her earlobe and Lulu saw what she thought was sorrow cross his face. She plastered a smile on her face as he squeezed her hand affectionately. She was thankful that he had butted into the conversation when he did because god only knows what she would've blurted out if it had gone any further.

"I don't believe that we've met… Dillon Quartermaine…" Dillon said, extending his hand out to Johnny.

"John Zacchara…" Johnny said, firmly shaking her fiancé's hand.

"So, what kept you away from Port Charles for… how long did you say it was, Lulu? Two years?" Dillon bluntly asked.

If Lulu could see her face, she was sure that it had gone ashen white at Dillon's question. She didn't want to know what had transpired in his life while he was away, where he had gone, who he had been with, or what had he been doing until Claudia dragged him back to Port Charles for her wedding. Johnny looked down, clearly uncomfortable with the question that Dillon had just posed.

"Life… I guess… and some bad choices…" Johnny said.

He had answered, to some extent, Dillon's question but did not look at his interviewer but rather had his gaze on Lulu. The reflection of the light in his eyes was dazzling and entranced her. She fought the urge to touch his face, like she had done so many times in the past to soothe him, but her hands stayed at her sides like heavy bricks. There was so much that needed to be said, so many unanswered questions that she had for him but wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answers to.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to go find my sister… Dillon, it was a pleasure meeting you… and Lulu, congratulations again and I hope that you are truly happy… that's all that I could ever want for you…" Johnny said, politely excusing himself from their company and quickly disappearing into the crowd of people.

* * *

"I don't like him…"

Lulu looked over at Dillon and sighed as she unzipped her black cocktail dress. Johnny had made his exit from the party soon after they spoke but she couldn't get him out of her mind and it didn't take long for Carly to notice her fixation on her ex-fiancé. She had given Lulu a warning about Johnny before she had taken off with Jax but Lulu insisted that her elder cousin had nothing to be worried about.

"He didn't say anything to you to make you not like him…" Lulu said as she entered their walk-in closet to retrieve a pair of pajamas.

"He didn't have to say anything… he was looking at you in this really weird way… and then that thing that he said to you before he took off…" he said, pulling a gray t-shirt over his head.

"Johnny just said that he wanted me to be happy… is that criminal?" Lulu asked.

"No… but the way that he said it was… I don't know… he just seemed… _tortured_… by the mere sight of you, Lulu." Dillon said, sitting down on the edge of their bed.

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She wasn't the only one who noticed but she still didn't understand. How could he have felt such an immense sense of agony when he looked at her? He had been the one who had left her after all and now he was back, exuding the same sense of guilt as if he still cared for her.

"Regardless of how he was looking at me, it doesn't matter, Dillon. I don't care about how Johnny feels about me… not anymore at least…" she said.

"But you did once… didn't you?" he asked, turning towards her.

"Yes… but that was a long time ago…" she sighed as she reached over to their bedside table and pulled out her hairbrush.

"What happened between you two?" he asked.

"Nothing… it was a short fling… if you could even call it that." Lulu said, wanting to avoid the subject at altogether.

"How did it end? Badly?" he asked, leaning in as if to implore her for an answer.

"Why are you asking me these ridiculous questions? Why does it matter?" she cried, slamming down her brush on the bed.

"It matters because the man is still hung up on you after two years…" he said flatly.

The words shook her to her very core. How could he still have feelings for her when he had done nothing to prove it? Not once in his two year absence did he ever try to contact her in order to rectify the damage that he caused. He didn't feel guilty and he certainly didn't still feel anything for her, if he ever did so.

"That's—that's ridiculous… and even if it were true, I'm not hung up on him… I love you and I'm going to marry you… not John Zacchara…" she said, smoothing her fingers over his features and he sighed, letting a smile curve across his lips.

"I'm sorry… I know that I'm overreacting… but it's just that I love you so much and I—" he started but she pressed a finger to his lips to silence him.

"Let's not talk about it anymore, ok? We have a wedding and a future to plan, remember?" she asked, smiling.

He leaned in and kissed her softly and slowly, gently laying her down beneath him on their bed. She closed her eyes and surrendered herself to him, letting him make love to her that night. However, as he lay sleeping beside her, sleep did not come as easily to Lulu as it did her fiancé, for as she closed her eyes, she was met with the pained ones of John Zacchara.


	4. Back to You

**A/N**: Wow, this chapter took me a lot longer to write than I thought! But yay! It's done... I'm not sure if I like it or not but I just wanted to get this out to keep the momentum of this story going. Happy reading and don't forget to review!

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**Chapter 3 – Back to You**

The start of spring was never a disappointment in Port Charles. People traded in their bulky winter coats for bright colored sweaters and their sleds for large blankets for picnics in the park. The weather was so nice that even Johnny couldn't resist the urge to leave Crimson Pointe and go for a long walk. It had been a few days since the party at Wyndamere and he had made himself scarce around Port Charles, not wanting to answer prying questions about his whereabouts for the past two years. People in small towns were too nosy for their own good and it seemed that the citizens of Port Charles were an extreme of this fact. Everyone who he passed on the street seemed to know who he was and he could feel their lingering stares on his back as he trudged along. No one would let him get away with forgetting his past transgressions.

Not that he could do it anyway.

He sighed as he reached Kelly's and saw virtually no one inside. He quickly ducked into the café and walked straight up to the counter. Mike Corbin emerged from the back and his eyes widened when he saw Johnny.

"Well, I guess the rumors are true…" Mike said as he set a dishtowel on the counter.

"I guess so…" Johnny said, smiling sheepishly.

"What can I get for you, Johnny?" Mike asked, trying to be as cordial as possible.

Johnny was just about to order a coffee when he heard the door behind him open. He turned around to see Lulu standing in front of the door, clutching her brown purse. She was dressed in a green sweater, dark jeans and a pair of brown boots that he recognized as being her favorites. Mike cleared his throat uncomfortably and Johnny turned back around towards him.

"Can I get a large coffee with two sugars and a blueberry muffin?" Johnny sighed, pressing his fingertips to his temple.

"Sure thing…" Mike said.

Johnny heard Lulu's footsteps grow louder as she approached the counter and he gritted his teeth to stop himself from saying anything. He had already made a fool of himself at the party by not having complete reign over his emotions. Her presence was that intoxicating to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her sweep her hair over her shoulder, exposing her neck to him, and he had to fight the urge to run a finger from behind her ear down her silky skin towards her collarbone, like he had done so many times.

"How long are you going to pretend that you don't know me, Johnny?" she whispered.

Her voice was low and sad and it made his stomach twist into a knot. It was astonishing how well she could still read him despite all the time that had passed. He sighed and looked up at her. She was staring down at the counter, slowly tracing circles on the wood with her fingernail.

"What do you want me to say?" he asked.

She looked up at him but said nothing. She was just as unsure and scared to talk to him as he was when he was around her. There was so much that he needed to say but she probably didn't want to hear it. She probably didn't want to hear how sorry he was for abandoning her on their wedding day. She probably didn't want to know how his heart and body cried for her every single second of the past two years. How could he dump that on her when she was about to marry another man? He wouldn't allow his selfish tendencies to affect her life anymore. She quickly looked away as Mike reemerged from the back with a tray of freshly baked muffins. He put one of the blueberry muffins in a brown bag and poured Johnny his cup of coffee.

"Here you go, Johnny…" Mike said.

"Thanks… keep the change." Johnny said, sliding a ten dollar bill to him.

"Lulu, what can I get for you? Oh wait, let me see if I can guess… a chai tea latte and a cinnamon raisin bagel?" Mike asked and Lulu smiled.

"You know me well…" she chuckled.

Mike went into the back to prepare Lulu's order and she turned back around to face Johnny. Her arms were folded uneasily across her chest like she was bracing herself for something bad. He didn't blame her for being wary of him because he had hurt her. However, it didn't make him feel any better to see how much she still didn't trust him.

"I'll see you around, I guess…" Johnny said.

The situation was already awkward enough and the pain of being near her was even more excruciating than the pain of missing her. When he could see her and be close enough to smell her perfume or to touch her but at the same time know that she was no longer his, the pain was almost unbearable. He started walking towards the door, just wanting to lock himself in Crimson Pointe until Claudia's wedding.

"Wait…" she said.

His feet obeyed her request and he stopped before he could reach the door. He was still putty in her hands. He sighed and gestured to a nearby table. He had stared death in the face and laughed but sitting across from the only woman that he was sure that he would ever love was more terrifying than anything that he had ever experienced.

"You being back in Port Charles and seeing you is…" she started.

"Difficult?" he asked, staring straight down at his cup of coffee.

"No… not difficult… it's just a lot to take in, I guess…" she said.

"Well, given everything that's happened, I understand…" he said.

"Look, we're going to see each other between now and Claudia and Nikolas' wedding so I just—I want to clear the air between us…" she said.

"Clear the air?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't want to feel like I have to walk around eggshells around you and I'm pretty sure you don't want to either, right?" she asked as she twisted a strand of her hair around her fingers.

"I guess so…" he said.

At that moment, Mike came to their table to deliver Lulu's chai latte and bagel. He watched her intently as she paid for her breakfast and kindly thanked Mike. She hadn't change a bit since the last time they were together. She still twirled her hair around her finger when she was nervous about something, she still had that small wrinkle appear on her nose when she laughed, and she still bit her bottom lip when she was deep in thought. She was still that same girl that he had fallen in love with.

"I'm sorry…" he finally said.

"For what?" she asked, looking down as she took a sip of her latte.

"The wedding…" he said.

Her gaze immediately snapped up to his upon mentioning the wedding that they were supposed to have. She cleared her throat and set down her cup, clearly flustered by his comment, and he instantly regretted saying anything about it.

"Our—our wedding?" she stammered.

"Yes…" he whispered.

"Why?" she asked.

"Why what?" he asked.

"Why did you—why did you leave me, Johnny?" she asked.

He knew that she had tried to hide that small break in her voice but he knew her too well. He always knew how she never liked to appear vulnerable but there she was, wanting the answer to a question that had probably always weighed on her mind. Her eyes were piercing his soul, demanding some honesty.

Honesty that he couldn't give her.

He folded his hands on the table and met her gaze. He never liked lying to her because it took her so long to open up and to trust people and he betrayed that trust whenever he told a lie, regardless if it was in her best interest or not. No matter how much he wanted to tell her the truth about why he left and how he wished that he could take it all back, he couldn't do that to her. It would be unfair to bring her back into his dangerous orbit. She deserved more than that.

"I—I was being self-destructive… like always… I thought that I didn't deserve you… I probably still don't… and I thought that you would be better off without being married to me… that's—that's why I left… it wasn't anything that you did, Lulu… I swear…" he said.

He hadn't exactly lied but rather just left out the part where he was convinced by Lulu's brother to give her up on their wedding day. She had probably waited all this time for some sort of closure and he wanted to give that to her but the truth wouldn't have set her free. He didn't want to wreck her life anymore than he already did and that what he would've done if he had told the truth. Lulu exhaled and let out a small chuckle.

"Your timing to come to that conclusion sucked though…" she said and he forced a laugh.

"True… but I thought that ruining one day would've been better than ruining your entire life…" he said, his voice returning to a more serious tone.

She looked down as she broke off a piece of her coffee cake with her fingers. Above everything, including his own selfish desires, he wanted her to be happy and she would be happier if she were married to Dillon instead of him.

"I truly am sorry for that and maybe not now but maybe sometime in the future, I hope that you can forgive me for it…" he said.

"I'd like to try…" Lulu said quietly.

"If that's what you want…" he said.

"Yeah… it is what I want…" she said, finally giving him a genuine smile.

Johnny's eyes met hers and he smiled slightly. Why she could ever be able to forgive him was beyond him but he was grateful for her better nature. Even if they could never be together like they were, she could still be a part of his life, as a friend and that was better than completely cutting himself off from her.

"So, we're agreed? Friends?" she asked, holding out her hand.

"Friends." Johnny said, shaking her hand.

* * *

"You're late!"

Lulu sighed as she walked into the boutique. Carly Jacks was standing there with the owner of the store with her hands on her hips and a look of disapproval. Lulu smiled sheepishly and hugged her cousin affectionately.

"I'm sorry… I lost track of time at Kelly's…" Lulu apologized and Carly raised an eyebrow.

"Well, Cynthia here has pulled only the best gowns so let's get started! Let's find the wedding dress of your dreams!" Carly squealed.

Lulu did her best to put on a good face for her cousin because Carly seemed to be more enthusiastic about shopping for wedding dresses than she was. However, it was because her mind was preoccupied with other things rather than sifting through the piles of satin, lace and chiffon trying to find the perfect wedding dress.

"So, have you seen Johnny Zacchara since Claudia and Nikolas' party?"

Preoccupied with things like that.

Lulu groaned at Carly's bluntness and the fact that she was being stuffed into the seventh dress that was too poufy and gilded for her taste. She didn't want to talk about Johnny, especially not with Carly. She loved her cousin with all of her heart but Carly had the tendency to harp on her with her past mistakes. Of course Lulu knew that Carly only did it out of love and concern but it was still beyond irritating.

"How come you're picking dresses that make me look like I should be on top of a wedding cake?" Lulu asked, wrinkling her nose as she took in her appearance in the mirror and Carly laughed.

"Come on, every girl wants to be a princess on their wedding day… and you're dodging the question… have you seen Johnny since the party?" Carly asked.

"So what if I have?" Lulu asked nonchalantly.

Carly immediately set down one of the many bridal magazines that the store had on a nearby coffee table and rose to her feet. Lulu could tell that Carly wasn't happy with her answer and braced herself for a long lecture about the pitfalls of letting an ex back into her life.

"Lulu…" Carly warned but Lulu held up her hand to silence her cousin.

"No lectures please… not today…" Lulu insisted.

"Well too bad because you're about to get one hell of a lecture right now…" Carly said, walking around to look her in the eye.

Lulu put her hand on her hip and let out an exasperated sigh. Maybe it was best to let Carly get it all out of her system so that they could move on and she wouldn't have to think about Johnny being back in her life any more than she already was. The exchange that they had at Kelly's earlier that day had been replaying in her mind, trying to read between the lines of everything that he had said. The sincerity in his eyes and his voice as he apologized for his actions two years ago were not a part of some nefarious plan to lure her back into his life. However, something in his eyes was just unsettling. That sense of regret and longing as he looked at her sent chills down her spine and almost sent her spiraling back into that hysterical mess that she had once been when he had abandoned her.

"Ok, fine… do your worst…" Lulu said.

"Lulu... this man—this man broke you… abandoned you on your wedding day and now he's magically back in your life…" Carly started.

"I know exactly what Johnny did… I haven't forgotten, Carly… it's something that I'm never going to be able to forget..." Lulu said firmly.

There was no way that she could ever forget what Johnny had done to her. She could still vividly remember lying on the carpet of her room at the Quartermaines in her wedding dress, clutching that stupid letter to her chest, unable to pick herself off the floor because she had lost the will to live for a moment. That kind of pain simply doesn't just vanish because of an apology over coffee but she couldn't let him see that. She couldn't let him see that she was still that girl who couldn't find the strength to even stand after being left by him.

"I swear to god… this self-sabotaging thing must be a genetic trait because you are acting just like me…" Carly said, shaking her head.

"What? That's ridiculous! I'm not sabotaging myself!" Lulu cried as one of the attendants began to unzip her out of the dress.

"You're doing everything in your power to make sure that you don't marry Dillon… your wedding date is almost two months away and you have yet to commit to a venue, I had to drag you here to try on dresses and now your ex-fiancé shows up and you're trying to reconnect with him…" Carly prattled off.

"Johnny and I have agreed to be friends… nothing more! That does not mean that I don't want to marry Dillon…" Lulu explained and Carly put her hands on her young cousin's shoulders.

"I'm just worried about you, Lulu… you worked so hard to piece your life back together after Johnny left and I just don't want you to blow it up again because of him…" Carly said softly.

Carly's concern did come from a valid place. In addition to Nikolas, it was Carly that was her rock throughout these two years. Their bond had strengthened as Carly took Lulu in helped her get her life back. Carly had been everything to her: a mother, a sister and a best friend and that had also made her extremely overprotective.

"I appreciate your concern but you have nothing to worry about… Johnny is my past and I'm moving forward with my life… I promise not to give into that family impulse to self-destruct… I know what I have with Dillon is good and it's real and I'm not going to mess it up…" Lulu insisted as she took Carly's hand.

"You know that I'm only hard on you because I love you, right?" Carly asked.

"Of course I do… now can we please find a dress that doesn't make me look like a Disney princess?" Lulu laughed.

Carly looked down at the ornate dress that was beaded and covered in lace that her cousin was wearing and she too had to laugh. The dress was pretty ridiculous. Carly immediately went to the owner of the boutique and asked for some more elegant dresses. As Carly was absorbed in pulling more pieces from the closets, Lulu stared at herself in the mirror. She knew that she had everything that she could ever want with Dillon. He was a successful film director, he had plenty of money, he came from a good family, he was charming and good-looking and above it all, he adored her.

But somehow, that wasn't enough.

That was made abundantly clear when she realized that the man on her mind as she tried on dress after dress was not her loving and adoring fiancé, but rather Johnny Zacchara. Lulu shuddered as she looked down at the ring on her left hand. The ring felt like a thousand pounds on her small finger, pressing down on her so hard that no one could hear her screaming to take it off.

* * *

"John? John, are you here?"

Johnny set down his copy of the New York Times and looked up. Claudia came into the study and strode to the desk where her brother sat, tossing her purse onto a nearby lounge chair. It had been a week since he had seen her at the party at Wyndamere and he wanted to keep a low profile until her wedding.

"What's wrong?" Johnny asked.

"I love Nikolas but sometimes he can be so infuriating…" she growled.

Johnny couldn't help but to chuckle slightly. Claudia sat on the edge of the desk and folded her arms across her chest. He slid his chair back and walked around the desk so that he was standing in front of her. He knew his sister well and knew that she just needed a soundboard.

"Well, what did he do?" he asked.

"So, I walk into our kitchen and there are men everywhere tearing everything apart! Our cabinets, the kitchen island, the sinks, the tile… everything!" she shouted.

"You're mad at Nikolas for remodeling the kitchen?" he laughed.

"No! I'm mad at Nikolas for remodeling the kitchen two weeks before our rehearsal dinner! Two weeks, John! This messes up everything! I swear to god, Nikolas is just looking for a way to get out of this wedding that I'm planning…" she ranted.

"I can't imagine that Nikolas wouldn't tell you when he was planning to remodel…" Johnny started but Claudia shook her head.

"Nikolas 'said' that he told me last month because he wanted it to be finished when we got back from our honeymoon but he obviously didn't tell me…" she said.

He was about to say something but one of the guards came into the study with a stack of that day's mail. He handed the pile to Johnny and Johnny thanked him as the guard took his leave.

"What's that?" Claudia asked.

Before Johnny could see what she was talking about, Claudia snatched an envelope out of the pile that was addressed to him. The writing on the ivory envelope was in beautifully crafted script. It was addressed to him.

"Give it here, Claudia…" he warned.

Claudia handed her brother the envelope and he turned it over to see the address of the Quartermaine mansion on the back. Curious, Johnny opened the envelope, careful not to rip it in any way, and pulled out the card. His mouth suddenly went dry as he read its contents.

"Save the date of June 21st, 2010 to share in the joy of Lesley Lu Spencer and Dillon Albert Quartermaine as they celebrate their wedding. Invitation to follow…" he read.

"Oh wow…" Claudia whispered.

He shoved the card back into the envelope and tossed it on the desk. He knew that Lulu had sent it as a part of their agreement to be friends. Friends invited each other to their weddings. Claudia reached over and picked up the save the date that her brother just received.

"Are you even going to still be in town when they get married?" she asked.

"I don't know… probably not…" he said quietly.

Claudia tilted her head and stared intently at Johnny. He couldn't hide much from her for long because they were so much alike and they could read each other so easily. She already knew that he was going to run back across the world as soon as she married Nikolas and never come back to Port Charles.

"John… did something else happen?" she asked but he shook his head.

"I'm not going to talk to you about this, Claudia…" he said as he walked over to the liquor cart and poured himself a glass of scotch.

"Why is it that you shut down every single time the issue of Lulu comes up?" she asked.

"Because I have to, Claudia! I hate what I did to Lulu… it still haunts me to think about the damage that I did when I left… do you know how painful it is to look into eyes of the person that you love the most and see that they're terrified of you?" he cried.

Johnny downed his glass of scotch and Claudia sighed heavily. He knew that it was hard for her to see him like this with no possible way to remedy the situation, especially when she was so incredibly and deliriously happy with Nikolas, with the exception of when he decided to undertake remodeling in the midst of preparing for their wedding.

"So you've seen her since the party, haven't you?" she asked.

"Yes… I ran into her at Kelly's and we talked about everything that happened and we've decided to be friends." Johnny explained and Claudia raised an eyebrow.

"Are you sure that you can do that?" she asked and he sighed.

Claudia pulled her little brother into a hug as she had done so many times throughout her entire life. As their father had told them numerous times before, they were Zaccharas. They were tough and fearless. They could withstand any obstacle or foe and they looked danger right in the eye and laughed. But he wasn't strong enough for this.

"I know my limits, Claudia and I don't think that I can stand back and watch Lulu marry another man…" he said.


	5. I Cried for You

**A/N**: I've been waiting to write this chapter for the longest time and you'll see why ;) Musical/Title inspiration for this song is "I Cried for You" by Katie Melua, which might be the saddest song I've ever heard but the chapter isn't as sad/morbid as the song would imply, I promise! The lyrics are just so beautiful and real… so if you haven't heard the song, do it now! You'll thank me later :) Happy reading and don't forget to review!

* * *

**Chapter 4 – I Cried for You**

Lulu smoothed her golden locks with a brush as she stood in front of the floor length mirror in her apartment. She could hear the shower running in the bathroom as she and Dillon prepared to go to the church where Claudia and Nikolas were to be married for the rehearsal and then later to the Zacchara mansion for the rehearsal dinner. The location had changed last minute because Nikolas had decided to remodel the kitchen at Wyndamere and apparently Claudia "forgot" that they wouldn't be able to use it to entertain guests. She thought about how it had been so long since she had stepped foot onto the Zacchara property and chuckled as she remembered how she foolishly believed that she was going to live there.

"Not again…" she muttered, pressing her fingertips to her temple.

She promised herself that she was not going to think about Johnny that night. After all, it wasn't about her. It was supposed to be Nikolas' and Claudia's night, celebrating their upcoming wedding. She wouldn't let Johnny get in the way of that. She sighed as she tossed her brush aside towards her bed. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she stop thinking about him? She was supposed to be over him. She even had a reasonable justification to hate him but she didn't. Worst of all, she didn't want to hate him and that realization almost made her sick to her stomach.

_After all this time and everything that he had done, she still cared._

"Lu?"

Lulu looked up at Dillon to see him buttoning up his white dress shirt. She offered him an uneasy smile and walked towards him. He held out his hand and as soon as she slipped hers into his, he pulled her into an embrace. She knew that he was trying hard to be a caring and loving fiancé but she felt no sense of comfort in his arms, just a gradual sinking feeling.

"You seem sad… what's wrong?" he asked and she shook her head.

"Nothing's wrong… you know me, I just space out a lot…" she said, offering a small smile.

He kissed her forehead and went into the closet to grab one of his blazers and they made a quick exit from their apartment. Somehow they always managed to run late to every single thing that revolved around Claudia and Nikolas' wedding but the couple didn't seem to mind. They were too deliriously happy about their wedding to be upset with the two of them.

"Ok, Claudia and Nikolas will exchange vows and I will pronounce them as husband and wife… would you like to practice the kiss?" the priest laughed.

As they stood at the altar, Nikolas and Claudia chuckled but Nikolas took his fiancée in his arms and kissed her deeply. Lulu smiled and applauded the couple and they all began laughing. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Johnny staring at her with a strange but familiar gaze in his eye… a look of, dare she even say it...

_Longing?_

His eyes were so sad and they tugged at her heartstrings in the way that he only could. No matter what she said or did, she would always be connected to him. One thing that unsettled her about when she first announced her engagement to Dillon was that people told her how romantic it was that she was reuniting with her first love. She sighed and rose to her feet as the rehearsal wrapped up. What she and Dillon shared over that summer did hold many firsts for her, but not first love.

_That was Johnny._

He was the first person that when he told her that he loved her, she wanted to say it back. He was the first one who she let in completely, the first one who made her want to make plans for the future and the first one who had broken her heart in the most earth-shattering way when he was gone. With him, she had truly fallen in love.

"Lulu?"

She looked up to see Johnny standing in front of her and she offered him a small smile. His hands were shoved into his pockets. They were alone in the chapel, the first time they had been truly alone since he had left. Most of the participants in the rehearsal were in the lobby of the chapel, smoothing over last minute details and arranging rides over to the Zacchara mansion for the rehearsal dinner.

"You seem distracted…" he said.

"Just thinking… you know how I space out a lot…" she said and he chuckled.

"I seem to remember that…" he said as he took a seat in a nearby pew.

She sat down beside him and they sat in silence for a few moments. She couldn't help but to think how surreal the entire situation was. Just two years ago, they had their wedding rehearsal and their rehearsal dinner at the Quatertmaine mansion. They had stood in Lila Quartermaine's rose garden with the priest, holding hands and wishing that tomorrow could come so that after what seemed like a lifetime of fighting everything around them and inside of them, they could finally be together and be married.

"Are you crying?" he asked.

Lulu had been so absorbed in her memories that she had hardly noticed that a tear had escaped her eye. She brushed it aside and shook her head, trying hard to keep a smile on her face. She honestly didn't know why she did this to herself. Why did she still allow herself to become an emotional wreck when it came to Johnny? She had cried so much for him that she was convinced that she had no more tears left for him but apparently she was wrong.

"Weddings always get to me…" she whispered, curling her hair around her ear.

"Even wedding rehearsals?" he asked and she nodded.

"Yeah, even the stupid rehearsals…" she laughed.

"You're going to be an emotional wreck when it's your own wedding…" he said.

"I probably will… thank god for waterproof mascara…" she chuckled.

It was then when she felt his hand brush against hers and their laughs immediately died on their lips. She had forgotten how easy it was to be with him but at the same time so difficult. She had slipped back into that sense of comfort that she used to feel when he was around but at the same time, she couldn't be around him without thinking about everything that had transpired. She couldn't forget how she suddenly couldn't breathe after reading that letter that he had left, nor could she forget the feeling of what seemed like ten thousand pounds pressing against her as she lay in a crumpled heap on the floor of her bedroom, crying and wondering what she had done so wrong to make him leave.

Sometimes time couldn't heal all wounds.

"Speaking of weddings, I got your save the date in the mail…" he said.

"I wasn't sure how long you were going to be sticking around Port Charles this time but you're under no obligation to come if you don't want to… I'm sure that you have other things and people to tend to back in Italy…" she said and he chuckled.

"Things, yes… work takes up most of my time so there are no people to speak of besides my business associates and the housekeeper of the villa." Johnny said as he leaned back against the pew.

"No women?" she asked, slightly incredulous, and he laughed again, shaking his head.

"None to speak of… not since y—" he started but his voice died on his lips before he could finish.

She immediately averted her eyes, unable to look at him after his revelation.

"I should go… Dillon is probably waiting for me…"

"Ok… I'll see you at the house, then?"

She nodded and turned on her heel and headed towards the front doors. The lump in her throat was starting to grow at an exponential pace, threatening to choke her. This was not how she expected things to happen. She almost expected him to be unremorseful for what he had done. It might've actually been easier on her heart if he didn't care. But the way in which he looked at her and acted around her just screamed that he regretted his choice to leave.

He was acting like he was still in love with her.

She was in such of a hurry to get away from Johnny that she completely didn't notice that Dillon was standing right besides the doors. He reached out to take her arm and she flinched, startled by his touch. However, when she saw that it was her fiancé, she let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh! I'm sorry, Dillon… I didn't see you there…" she said, putting her hand over her heart.

"That's alright… are you ready to head over to the house?" he asked.

"More than you know…" she muttered.

He put her hand on the small of her back and led her towards the door but not before tossing a look behind her at Johnny. His back was still to her as he sat, staring ahead at the altar. She could picture the lost expression that was probably on his beautiful face at that moment. She shook her head, a failed attempt to banish him from her thoughts and climbed into Dillon's car. She felt the car roar to life underneath her as he started the ignition and pulled onto the main road.

"So I couldn't help but to overhear that you invited Johnny to our wedding…" he started and she snapped out of her reverie.

"I sent him a save the date… I told him that he didn't have to come if he didn't want to…" she explained.

"Well, were you planning on telling me that you were going to invite him?" he asked.

"Do we have to talk about this now, Dillon?" she sighed, not wanting to discuss Johnny with him or anyone for that matter.

"Yes! Yes, we do have to talk about this now, Lulu… I don't like the way that he looks at you… he looks at you like you belong to him or should belong to him…"

"I can't control what Johnny does or how he looks at me, Dillon!" she yelled.

The car came to a rather abrupt stop at a traffic light and Dillon looked at her sharply, no longer with that same adoration that he used to but now a guarded suspicion. Lulu met his gaze with a slight scowl of her own, irritated at his questionable driving skills. It wasn't her fault that Johnny was acting in the way that he was. She had done nothing for Dillon to talk to her in an accusatory fashion. She buried her face in her hands and sighed heavily.

"Is something going on between the two of you?" he asked, point-blank. Her gaze snapped up immediately at his question.

"No, Dillon… we're just friends and you know what friends do? They send save the dates for their weddings! That's all I did…" she said, not understanding why she needed to defend her actions.

"Really? That's it?" he asked.

"I'm marrying you for crying out loud… shouldn't that say something?" she cried.

"That's not an answer, Lulu…" he said quietly.

"You want an answer? You want to know what's going on between me and Johnny? Well, here it is… two years ago, he left me at the altar. He literally left me twenty minutes before I was supposed to walk down the aisle."

Dillon's eyes immediately widened and she knew that he was hurt because she kept such a huge secret from him. He had stressed the importance of being honest with each other this time around because it was what broke them up years ago. He looked up and saw that he had a green light and gently pressed the gas, moving the car forward.

"You never told me that…" he whispered and she sighed.

"I know… I didn't tell you because I wanted to pretend that it never happened. I wanted to pretend that I didn't cry myself to sleep every night for three months after he left or that I couldn't even bring myself to say his name for six. My family thought it was so bad that they considered putting me back in Shadybrook. So, when was the right time to bring something like that up?" she asked.

He didn't answer her until they pulled up in front of the Zacchara mansion. He put the car in park and they sat there without saying a word for what seemed like forever. He unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to face her.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know, Dillon. I honestly don't know…" she whispered.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you… it's just… I'm just scared that you're getting cold feet… you're still not committed to a venue for our wedding and you and Carly went to every bridal boutique within a fifty mile radius of town and still haven't found a dress… I'm just afraid that you're trying to provoke Johnny into giving you a reason not to marry me…" he explained.

"There are just some things that you just can't come back from… I may have moved on from what Johnny had done but it's not something that I'll ever forget… and besides, I have you now and we're going to have the life that we talked about… that's what I want… not Johnny…" she said.

* * *

Johnny quickly excused himself from the table after dinner had wrapped up. He stepped out onto the balcony and looked out at the lit path that ran across the grounds. He wondered if it was too late to find a way to fly back to Milan, even though it would upset Claudia that he bailed on her wedding. However, he didn't know how much more of this he could take. He didn't know how much longer he could watch Nikolas get his happy ending all the while Johnny was slowly dying inside and he definitely didn't know how much longer he could watch Lulu plan her wedding to another man.

_It was all too much._

He found himself slowly walking that illuminated path. The air was cool and fresh on his face and offered a small sense of comfort. Being in the chapel with Lulu had been hard. All he could think about was how they had their wedding rehearsal and both of them were practically giddy with excitement. He remembered how she begged him to tell her his vows but he was adamant to not divulge them until she was standing in front of him in that beautiful white dress. He sighed as he stopped walking and he looked up and saw a familiar light up ahead.

The garden shed.

As far as he knew, no one was on the grounds so his curiosity brought him right to the door of the shed. He placed his hand on the cold doorknob and turned it. He pushed the door open and he heard someone gasp in surprise.

"Johnny?"

Lulu's eyes were wide as she looked up at him. She was sitting on the chaise lounge near the window facing the main house. He closed the door behind him and leaned back against it, wanting to keep out the rest of the world. She sighed and offered him a small smile.

"Hiding out from everybody too?" she asked, rising to her feet.

"Yeah…" he said.

"I was just thinking…" she started.

"About what?" he asked.

"You and me…" she said quietly.

Her revelation took him off guard. He didn't even think that she gave him a single thought because lord knows he didn't deserve it. He slowly began walking over to her, all the while studying her expression. Her eyes were downcast, as if she were afraid or embarrassed to look at him, and he had to sudden urge to tilt her face up towards him so that he could look into those lovely eyes of hers.

"What about us?" he asked.

"Just the last time that we were here… do you remember?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Of course I do…" he whispered.

It was two days before their wedding. They had snuck away from the massive crowd that had amassed at the Zacchara house that was making last minute wedding plans and took refuge in the garden shed. As soon as the door closed behind them, Lulu launched herself into his arms, hungrily kissing him and tearing at his shirt. He could remember the smell of her shampoo as he buried his nose into her sun-kissed curls, the feel of her skin as it grazed against his own, and the sound of her voice as she whimpered in his ear for release.

_It was the last time they had made love._

He had held her tightly in his arms as they lay on that same chaise lounge, never wanting to let her go. She laughed when he told her that it was going to be next to impossible to spend the night without her the night before their wedding and she just told him that after tomorrow, she was never going to leave his side. He then pulled out a bracelet that belonged to his mother, asking her to wear it for their wedding, and he could feel her tears of joy on his face as she kissed him.

"I still have the bracelet… I should give it back to you…" she said but he shook his head.

"No… you keep it… it was a gift… and besides, what am I going to do with a bracelet?" he asked.

"You might want to give it to someone else…" she suggested.

"I wouldn't want anyone else to have it…" he said.

Lulu quickly looked away and walked towards the window and he winced at her obvious discomfort. He was tired of causing her any sort of pain. He started towards her, approaching her cautiously, but he stopped before he could get too close. Being there in the garden shed with all of its memories and standing so close to her was surely a recipe for disaster.

"I'm sorry, Lulu… I shouldn't say things like that…" he apologized.

"Say things like what?" she asked, turning around to face him.

"Saying things that bring up bad memories for you…" he said, putting his hands into his pocket.

"They're not all bad…" she murmured as he drew closer to her.

"For what it's worth, I'll regret leaving you for the rest of my life…" he whispered.

She gasped slightly, as if she were shocked by his declaration. The words had been weighing so heavy on his mind and heart and they just spilled out of his mouth almost involuntarily. Perhaps it was the mix of being so close to her in a place that was so dear to him that brought on his sudden frankness. She had to know that he never wanted them to be apart. The lump in his throat grew as tears rushed to Lulu's eyes and she shook her head.

"Johnny…" she sobbed.

She tried to go for the door but his hand reached out to grab her arm. Her eyes flashed up to his as tears spilled down her lovely face. He was about to cross a line, a very fine line that once he crossed it, there was no turning back. He pressed his forehead to hers and his lips trembled as her breath hit his face. She was so beautiful and felt so incredible in his arms. Suddenly, he felt her hand come up to his cheek and her lips pressed against his. It had been so long since they had last kissed but it felt as familiar and as wonderful as it had been then. Her hands gripped the lapels of his jacket as his hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her as close to him as he could. He knew that he was going to hell for this but he didn't care. After years of self-induced isolation and pining for her from across the globe, he finally had her, even if it was for a fleeting second. Her hands came to his shoulders and then pushed his away, shaking her head.

"I can't… I'm sorry but I can't…" she gasped.

She covered her mouth with her hands and backed away from him. Before he could say another word, she turned around and opened the door, only to come face to face with Nikolas. Lulu's eyes widened at the sight of her older brother and she immediately pushed past him and headed back towards the main house. Johnny pressed two fingers to his temple, realizing how much he had messed everything up. He hated hurting her but it seemed that it was all he did. He walked back over to the chaise lounge and collapsed onto it, wondering how he could've been so stupid.

"What the hell was that about?" Nikolas asked.

"This is my house… I'm allowed to wherever I please…" Johnny growled.

"What were you and Lulu doing in here?" Nikolas asked, closing the door behind him.

"Why don't you mind your own business? You're marrying my sister tomorrow for crying out loud… focus on that…" Johnny said.

"You need to stay away from my sister…" Nikolas said, pointing a finger at Johnny.

"Shut up, Nikolas… just shut up… you got what you wanted. I left Lulu at the altar and she's moved on and marrying another man… a man that you probably approve of, am I correct?" Johnny asked.

"Yes, Dillon truly loves Lulu…" Nikolas said.

"So did I, Nikolas! So did I… I loved her more than anything else in this world and you took that from me!" Johnny cried.

Johnny hadn't meant to lose control of his emotions but the resentment that had just been simmering under the surface was now at a boiling point. The man had taken everything from him but still had the audacity to talk down to him. He thought about punching him square in the jaw but Claudia would kill Johnny for giving her groom a shiner the night before the wedding. Nikolas shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat.

"Don't do this to her… she's finally got her life back together… don't mess it up now… if you love her like you say you do, you'll let her go…" Nikolas said.

Nikolas turned around and headed back out the door. He didn't really have a choice except but to let her go. The look in Lulu's eyes after he kissed her was one that he thought of when he pictured her lying on the floor of the Quartermaine mansion after he betrayed her trust and left her. The agony in her eyes was too much to bear and as much as he hated agreeing with Nikolas, he was right. He was tired of being the one who always hurt her. The best way for him to show his love for her was to do the last thing he wanted to do but he had no other choice.

He had to let her go.


	6. The Nearness of You

**A/N**: I'm so sorry for the delay of this chapter… the holiday snuck up on me and then I've been swamped at school with presentations/projects and I also have finals coming up so you're going to have to be patient once again for the next chapter… oh and on top of that I spent probably a zillion hours re-working the entire outline for this story (so that it's better than what I originally planned) and **then** I actually got bit by the inspiration bug and came up with another story idea and I had to start writing (the outline) down too! So, it was really all for you guys :) Happy reading and don't forget to leave a comment!

* * *

**Chapter 5 – The Nearness of You**

Johnny fidgeted in his Italian suit as he stood beside the door of the room that Claudia was now frantically running around, trying to get ready to walk down the aisle. He sighed heavily and leaned against the wall, thinking about how he was going to get through this day. The string quartet that was booked for the wedding had just started, meaning the moment that he was dreading was drawing near.

"John?"

He looked up, seeing that the door was slightly ajar, and he noticed how Claudia's voice behind the door was anxious. He pushed the door open and even though he wasn't looking forward to giving his sister away, a smile crept on his face when he caught sight of her in her dress. She looked like she had walked straight out of one of those bridal magazines. It was a crisp white one shoulder gown with a three tiered floor length skirt. She was wearing some diamond hair pins that held her raven locks up, a diamond bracelet that Johnny recognized as belonging to her mother, Dominica Zacchara, and a birdcage veil.

"You know, for someone who said that they were allergic to weddings and marriage, you do make one beautiful bride…" Johnny said.

Claudia gave her brother a watery smile and she kissed him on the cheek. It was a bittersweet day for Johnny. He was happy that Claudia was finally getting the happy ending that she deserved. He knew how much she had struggled throughout her life and how it took her a long time to trust and let people in because of their upbringing with their father but somehow she managed to get past all that to be with a man that loved her.

But that man was Nikolas.

The very same man that had blown his life to bits.

A part of Johnny, a very spiteful part, wanted to tell Claudia the truth so that she would leave him so that Nikolas could maybe feel an ounce of the pain that Johnny felt when he was ripped from the arms of the woman that he loved. However, he valued his sister's happiness more than his need to satisfy his revenge. Johnny knew that Claudia would leave Nikolas in a heartbeat if she had known what had truly happened but she would most likely be unhappy for the rest of her life and he could never live with himself if he took away the one thing that was good in Claudia's life.

"You seem sad… is everything ok?" Claudia asked and he nodded his head.

"I'm fine… I'm just trying to wrap my mind around this entire thing and giving you away…" he said, trying to chuckle in order to cover up his obvious discomfort, and she seemed to have bought it because she just smiled again.

"Are you sure that I look ok? Do I look too fat in this dress? I was just so determined to wear an Amsale dress that maybe I was just a bit too ambitious and—" she began rambling and Johnny shook his head.

"You look great… I think you look great and I know that Nikolas will think that you look great too…" he said, trying not to have any malice slip out as he spoke of her groom.

"A part of me thinks that I'm dreaming, you know? Because this amazing and loving man loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me… I've never had that before, John…" she said quietly.

"I'm really happy for you, Claudia… I really am." Johnny said.

He hugged her again and she squeezed him tightly just as she used to when he was little. They had gone through so much together and no matter how bad things got between the two of them, they could always find their way back. When she pulled away from him, he heard her sniffling and he chuckled.

"Ok, no tears… save those for your vows and for Nikolas…" he said.

"Ok…" she sniffled.

"Alright, are you ready to go?" he asked, offering her his arm.

She nodded and linked arms with her brother. She used her other hand to lift the bottom of her dress as they exited the room. The two ushers that were standing at the doorway into the chapel opened the double doors as the wedding march started up. Everyone in the room stood and turned around to see Claudia's entrance. Johnny looked down at the end of the aisle at Nikolas and he noticed that Nikolas' face immediately changed when he laid eyes on Claudia. His eyes widened and his bottom lip began to tremble. Every soul in that chapel was probably bursting with happiness upon witnessing the love that was on Nikolas' face when he saw his bride.

_Everyone save Johnny._

Johnny could feel his stomach turn as he looked at Nikolas and his joy. The thought that he was enabling this happy ending made him physically sick to his stomach. Claudia's hand clutched his arm and snapped him out of his trance and they slowly made their descent down the aisle. Finally reaching the end, Nikolas extended his hand out to Johnny in order to shake it and everything inside of him was screaming at him to not to shake the man's hand. This wasn't right. What gave him the right to marry Claudia and be happy when he couldn't be with Lulu? Why should he be the only one who got to be happy?

"Take care of her…" Johnny whispered, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

"I will… I promise you that…" Nikolas said.

Johnny gripped Nikolas' hand and shook it tentatively. Johnny walked to his seat in the first pew as Claudia and Nikolas held hands in front of the priest. The words of the ceremony washed over him in a fog. He couldn't bring himself to listen to anyone pledge themselves to the love of their lives when it was impossible for him to have it for himself. He looked over to his left and saw Lulu sitting in the second pew. Dillon's arm was draped around her and she was leaning against him, with her head on his shoulder. Her hair was pulled up, exposing every single contour of her lovely face. She had a serene smile on her face as she watched her brother get married.

"Ladies and Gentlemen… Mr. and Mrs. Nikolas Cassadine!" the priest announced.

Everyone rose to their feet and applauded. Nikolas took Claudia's face in his hands and kissed her deeply, garnering some laughs from the wedding guests. Johnny sighed and joined in with the guests and clapped, clearly unenthusiastic about the nuptials. At that moment, he happened to gaze over in Lulu's direction and his eyes met hers. He often thought about what their wedding would've been like, thinking about the vows that she would've said, how she would've looked in her dress, and if he would've cried when he first laid eyes on her in her dress. She quickly looked away from him, visibly bothered by the look that they shared and made a hasty exit from the chapel, following the newlywed couple out the doors.

* * *

The wedding party quickly descended on the MetroCourt hotel for the reception. The main ballroom was completely decorated in lights and flowers, creating a fairytale atmosphere to accompany the fairytale wedding that just took place. Lulu jolted in her seat as Dillon slid his hand in hers but covered it up flawlessly with a reassuring smile. She didn't anticipate this day to be this hard to deal with. She was overjoyed with the fact that her brother had finally married Claudia but she hadn't been to a wedding since her own failed one two years prior.

And she definitely didn't expect to be in the same room with Johnny, watching a wedding take place.

This day was supposed to be about her brother and his happiness and she resented Johnny for having that power to make her think of him and only him on a day that was not about the two of them. She pressed her free hand to her temple and sighed.

"Lulu? Did you hear what I said?"

Lulu looked up sharply and turned around to face Dillon. Even though he hated wearing them, Dillon looked very polished in his suit and he even tamed his usually spiky hair for a more subdued gelled look to accompany his outfit.

"Wh—What?" she asked.

"Dance with me?" he asked, smiling.

"S—Sure…" she stammered.

Dillon took her by the hand and led her towards the dance floor. Lulu used her other hand to pick up the hem of her floor length burgundy dress as they walked to the dance floor. Looking over beside her, Lulu saw Nikolas and Claudia dancing together, gazing into each other's eyes as if there was no one else in the room, and beside them were an array of couples such as Patrick Drake and Robin Scorpio-Drake, Jasper and Carly Jacks, Lucky and Elizabeth Spencer, and Alexis Davis and Mac Scorpio. Dillon pulled her in, placing his hands on her lower back, and they started rocking gently to the music. She closed her eyes, pretending that she was somewhere else.

"I can't wait for our wedding day…" he whispered.

She buried her face into the crook of his neck, trying to hide the tears that were threatening to form in her eyes. She couldn't let him see her falling apart and give him more cause to question her and to worry about her. She looked up and her eyes were met with Johnny's as he stood across the room, leaning against one of the pillars. He had a drink in his hand, most likely scotch, and he was staring straight at her in the way that Dillon had observed. He was staring at her in a slightly possessive manner, like she belonged to him and for some strange reason, she felt ashamed as she was in Dillon's arms and he was watching her and looking like he wanted to come up to the two of them and break them apart. The lump in her throat was growing so rapidly that she thought that she was going to suffocate.

"I'm sorry… I can't…" she gasped, pushing herself away from Dillon's arms.

"Lulu?" Dillon asked, bewildered by her fiancée's actions.

She needed to get away from everything and everyone. She pushed open the door to the ladies' room and leaned over the sink, practically gasping for air. She could see her tears fall into the sink basin. She hoped that Johnny didn't see her fall apart on the dance floor as she almost did at the church during the wedding and she definitely hoped that Johnny wouldn't come running after her. The door to the bathroom opened and Lulu quickly wiped any remnants of tears from her face.

"Hey, are you alright?"

Lulu sighed and turned around, putting on a fake smile. Claudia was standing before her, sporting a concerned look. She was still dressed in her gorgeous, undoubtedly designer, wedding dress with her hands on her hips.

"Yeah, I'm fine… don't worry about me… this is your wedding day…" Lulu insisted.

"We're family now… and I look out for my family…" Claudia said, putting her hand on Lulu's shoulder.

"I'm fine… I swear…" Lulu chuckled.

"I just feel guilty about being happy when everyone seems to be falling apart around me…" Claudia sighed, leaning against the door.

"What's wrong?" Lulu asked.

"It's John… I know that something's bothering him but he won't open up to me…" Claudia lamented.

"Maybe he just didn't want to burden you with anything right before your wedding…" Lulu offered.

Claudia sighed and folded her arms across her chest. Lulu knew how hard it was for Claudia to sit on the sidelines as her brother was floundering. Lulu knew, probably better than anybody, how close the bond was between the two Zacchara siblings and how protective they were of each other. It actually often led to disastrous consequences.

"Will you do me a favor?" Claudia asked.

"What?" Lulu asked.

"Will you talk to him? He'll open up to you, Lulu…" Claudia pleaded but Lulu shook her head.

"He won't…" Lulu insisted.

"Yes, he will… he lov—he cares about you, Lulu… will you please talk to him?" Claudia asked and Lulu sighed, nodding her head.

"I'll talk to him… I can't promise that it'll help but I will try to talk to him…" Lulu promised.

Claudia smiled and put her arms around her newfound sister-in-law. Lulu returned her embrace and exhaled deeply. No matter how much she tried to escape it, she always managed to get pulled back into Johnny Zacchara's orbit. Claudia thanked her again and took her leave from the bathroom, leaving Lulu alone once again in the bathroom. She gazed at her reflection in the mirror and sighed again.

"Lu?"

She gasped as the door opened and Dillon poked his head into the ladies' room. She turned to face her fiancé and attempted to brush her surprise aside with a nervous laugh. He strode towards her and put his hands on her shoulder, examining her countenance carefully.

"Have you been crying?" he asked.

"No! Of course not! Why would I be crying? My brother just married the love of his life… I'm—I'm overjoyed…" she explained but it was clear that Dillon was skeptical.

"You have been crying… what's wrong?" he asked.

"I already told you… I'm fine…" she said, her tone sharpening as a result of her irritation.

"Your behavior at the church and then that spectacle on the dance floor would indicate otherwise… come on, Lulu… I know you… does this have anything to do with Johnny?" he asked.

He was right. He did know her well because he hit the problem straight on the head. Johnny Zacchara seemed to be the source of everything that was wrong with her. She was becoming increasingly anxious about the wedding that she was planning, she couldn't stand in a church without wanting to cry, and she couldn't even share a dance with her fiancé…

All because of Johnny Zacchara.

"Absolutely not and if you'll excuse me, I have to go find Carly…" Lulu growled.

She roughly strode by Dillon and exited the bathroom. Carly was standing with Jax as he held their two year old daughter, Josslyn, in his arms. Pushing her encounter with Dillon and the talk about Johnny with Claudia into the back of her mind, Lulu walked up to Carly just as Jax made one of his witty jokes. She reached out to tap Carly on the shoulder when Johnny emerged from one of the side lounges and locked eyes with her. He had a glass of scotch in his hand and slowly lifted the glass to his lips, taking a long sip.

"Hey!"

Lulu snapped out of her trance and saw Carly beaming at her. She shook her head, banishing any lingering thoughts from her mind and took Carly's hand.

"Come with me… I need some air…" Lulu said, tearing her eyes away from Johnny's and dragging her cousin out in the direction of the balcony.

* * *

Johnny's surroundings were blurry around him as he stumbled towards his front door. He was thankful that he hadn't driven to the wedding since he was beyond drunk. The house was dark as he made his way across the foyer and into his father's study. He had tried to keep out of sight for most of the reception because he couldn't stand to be around people who were celebrating such a 'joyous' occasion.

And he couldn't stand to be near Lulu either.

Watching her as she danced with Dillon made him physically ill and he had to fight every urge inside of him that wanted to tear her from Dillon's arms and take her for himself but she didn't belong to him and she never would. It was the way that things had to be. Johnny managed to not trip over his feet as he collapsed onto the chaise lounge near his father's prized mahogany desk and he closed his eyes, knowing that he was going to be nursing one hell of a hangover in the morning.

"Johnny?"

He grimaced, knowing that voice anywhere. He had heard it in his dreams, haunting him for the past two years, and he shook his head, hoping that he was actually dreaming. A small but warm hand came to his forehead and he sighed. Her touch was just as heavenly as it was in the garden shed and he opened his eyes slowly, taking in her appearance. The only light, one from the desk, was hazy and low and gave her skin and her golden curls a luminescent glow. She was still in her burgundy dress from the wedding and one of the straps of her dress had fallen off her shoulder, exposing a patch of her sweet skin to him.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered.

"Claudia asked me to come… to check and see if you were ok… she's worried about you…" she said and he scoffed.

"Do I _look_ ok?" he asked.

"Johnny… about the garden shed…" she started.

However, before she could even finish her thought, he rose to his feet and walked over to the liquor cart. He didn't want to hear the rest of what she had to say. He didn't want to hear that she was sorry and that it was a mistake and she shouldn't have kissed him because to him, it wasn't a mistake.

It was right.

It was a beautiful conundrum, it was right but impossible. They could never be together but when they were, it was something so perfect that it almost couldn't be put into words. Johnny poured himself another glass of scotch and lifted it towards his lips but couldn't bring himself to take a sip. No amount of alcohol could drown her out of his mind.

"Johnny, please… I thought that we agreed to be friends…" she started as she began to approach him from behind.

"I know…" he breathed, leaning over the liquor cart.

"I care about you and you just seem so unhappy…" she said, placing her hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged her hand off his shoulder and he could hear a small but painful gasp escape her lips from the gesture. He didn't like to be deliberately cruel to her but he had no choice. He couldn't stand to be near her but not have her. His hands were practically trembling as they ached to touch her.

"Go back to your fiancé, Lulu…" he said through gritted teeth.

"No." Lulu said firmly and Johnny turned around to face her.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm not leaving you… not in this state… besides me and Claudia, who else do you have?" she asked.

"Don't you get it? I don't **have** you, Lulu!" he cried.

He didn't mean to blurt that out but he could only hold back so much. He dropped his head as his bottom lip began to tremble but she reached out, using two fingers to lift his chin up to look at him. Her eyes were coated with tears that had yet to fall and she used her other hand to stroke the side his face. She was far too close for him to control himself. If he kept his distance from her then he wouldn't be tempted to act on his desires but now, with the smell of her perfume and the feel of her touch and her breath on his face filling his senses, he was slowly losing that battle.

"That's not true…" she murmured.

With that, she pressed her lips to his with more passion that he had ever felt in her lips. His hands cupped her face as she guided him back towards the chaise lounge. Her fingertips found the buttons on his white dress shirt and began to unfasten them as they both fell on top of the lounge. He pushed the strap down her shoulder and swirled his tongue around on the bare patch of skin before pressing a kiss on her shoulder. She arched her back and let out a gasp, running her fingers through his dark brown hair. She slightly pushed him off her but only to slowly unzip the long side zip. He watched intently as she peeled the dress off her body, revealing a black lace ensemble underneath.

"Johnny?" she whispered.

He had imagined this moment for so long; the moment in which he could finally make her his again. But as he looked at her, waiting for him to make the next move, he couldn't move. He couldn't move, breathe or even blink. There were too many thoughts and emotions running through his mind and he found himself backing away from her and the increasing sense of sorrow in her eyes as he moved farther away from her ate away at his soul until his back hit the opposite wall.

"We can't…" he whispered.

He knew that he would hurt her if they gave in and made love right there on that chaise lounge and he didn't want to do that to her again. He had caused her too much pain and he just wanted to do something right by her for once. He swallowed hard and looked away as she quickly rose to her feet and zipped up her dress, trying hard to not let him hear her cry. As the front door slammed shut, Johnny felt his knees give out from underneath him and he slowly sank to the floor, burying his head in his hands.

* * *

Lulu sat on the couch in her apartment, going over every moment that had just occurred within the past hour. She covered her mouth with her hands and tried to choke back a sob as she thought about how she completely lost control and threw herself at Johnny. She knew that Claudia's suggestion to check up on Johnny would end disastrously but she would've never guessed that it would end up with her on the brink of making love to him. The person that she became when she was close to Johnny scared her. It scared her to feel how much she needed him, craved him even. He had hurt her so badly and she still wanted to feel his soft kisses on her skin, the weight of his body on top of hers, and his soft hair in between her fingers.

"Lulu?"

Upon hearing Dillon's voice, Lulu completely broke down and sobbed. Only Johnny Zacchara could make her cry like this. Dillon came around the couch, took her in his arms, and began rocking her back and forth as she came apart.

"I'm—I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Dillon…" she cried.

"What is it?" he asked.

"You were right… and I'm sorry… I'm—I'm so sorry… I hate myself and what I'm doing to you… I'm so sorry…" she sobbed.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked, curling a piece of hair around her ear.

"Johnny… I've been so unfair to you with talking to him and pretending that there was nothing for you to worry about… I pro—promise that I won't do it anymore…" she sniffed.

"You won't see him again?" he asked and she nodded.

"I promise… I won't seek out Johnny Zacchara ever again…" she said.


	7. Give in to Me

**A/N**: I know that some of you may hate me for this chapter because if I could title this chapter something else it would be called 'Angst to the Maximum Power' :) you guys know how much I love writing my angst so just bear with me in this chapter. It's also the shortest chapter that I've written for this story but I wanted to get this chapter out to you guys before I disappear to study/take finals! I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up but as a tease to get you back for the next one, all I'm going to say is that it's the chapter that you **really** don't want to miss ;) Alright, happy reading and don't forget to leave a comment! I really do love reading all of your comments!

**Chapter 6 – Give in to Me**

"So, the Sunset ballroom, I thought, would be a great place to have your reception for the amount of people that you have on your guest list…"

Carly was rambling on, trying to sell Lulu on the idea of getting married at the MetroCourt, as they walked along the long corridor that led into each ballroom. Dillon asked Carly if he could see some floor plans for each ballroom, eager to decide on a location for their nuptials. The three of them walked into the spacious Sunset ballroom, where Jax was overseeing a set up of some kind.

"So, Lulu… has Carly convinced you to have your wedding here yet?" Jax chuckled.

"She's getting very close…" Lulu said.

"Why is this called the Sunset ballroom?" Dillon asked.

"Because of the windows… at sunset, you can see almost the entire horizon…" Jax said, pointing across the room to the wall that was covered in windows.

"That's what we should do… get married at sunset, right here… wouldn't that be wonderful?" Dillon asked as he snaked his arm around Lulu's waist.

Lulu swallowed hard and put on a smile when inside, her heart was pounding furiously. Committing to a venue made this wedding more real and she was unsure if she even wanted to make this wedding more real to her. She felt as if she was being pulled in a thousand different directions and the slightest movement would tear her into pieces. Dillon put his arm around Lulu as they all exited the room. She looked over as they passed by the grand ballroom, where Nikolas and Claudia had held their reception just three weeks before, and she cleared her throat uncomfortably as her mind wandered back to that night.

The night where she had been so close to making love with Johnny.

How could she have let things get that out of control? Everything inside of her knew that being around Johnny was detrimental to the life that she had built with Dillon and perhaps her sanity but perhaps she was insane. The definition of insanity was to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, and that's what she kept doing. She continuously found herself going to Johnny, thinking that somehow things would be different between them and he wouldn't have that pull over her to make her want him so badly and to throw her common sense out the window. She needed to fully break from him.

"Carly… I'm ready to commit to the MetroCourt for our wedding…" Lulu said.

Both Carly and Dillon stopped walking, scrutinizing Lulu's expression but she tried hard to not show any doubt or fear on her face. Dillon put his hands on her shoulders, offering her a small but cautious smile.

"Are you sure? I'm still up to look at more venues if that's what you want. I don't want to pressure you or anything…" Dillon insisted but Lulu just shook her head.

"I'm sure… I want to marry you here…" she said.

Carly smiled as Dillon threw his arms around her, ecstatic to finally have found a venue for their wedding. He took her face in his hands and kissed her but he pulled away as his cell phone began to ring. After taking the phone out of his pocket, he grimaced as he looked at his caller ID.

"I'm sorry, I have to take this… it's Jack calling from LA, probably about that production meeting with the studio… can you iron out the details with Carly by yourself?" Dillon asked.

Lulu sighed and nodded. He gave her a chaste kiss on her lips before stepping into one of the ballrooms to take his phone call. Carly put her hand on the small of Lulu's back, guiding her towards the elevators. Carly's talk about florists, catering and decorations as they walked into the restaurant at the hotel washed over Lulu in a fog because the uneasiness in her stomach was surging.

"Hey, are you alright?" Carly asked, setting down her portfolio.

"Yeah! Of course I am… how could I not? I've just found the perfect place to get married…" Lulu said, assuring her cousin about her happiness.

"Alright… oh, Jax and the head chef just redid the menu and I have to say that the salmon is phenomenal…" Carly said, pointing to the dish on the menu.

"Ok, will you order for me then? I have to use the ladies' room and I trust your judgment…" Lulu said, grabbing her purse.

Carly agreed and went back to pouring over the materials in her portfolio. Lulu weaved through tables and waitresses until she reached the door of the bathroom. The rate at which her stomach was turning was almost making her feel nauseous but as she splashed some cool water on her face, her heart rate began to slow and she started to come down from her unnerved state.

"You're going to be ok…" she whispered to herself.

She straightened out her shirt, smoothed her blond locks with her hands, and when she looked into the mirror, she gave herself a slightly approving nod. If she were someone else looking at herself, she wouldn't be able to guess that she was on the verge of losing her mind. She picked up her purse and headed towards the door.

"Lulu…"

The voice made her freeze and she dropped her bag to the floor. She whipped her head around to find Johnny standing no more than five feet away from her. He was wearing all black, a crisp black Italian suit with a black button up shirt underneath, as if he was coming from or going to a funeral. She gritted her teeth, willing herself not to show him how much of a wreck she had become since the last time she had seen him.

"What are you stalking me now?" she spat and his eyes widened in surprise at her ire.

"Wow, what have I done to deserve **such** a greeting?" he asked wryly as she bent down to retrieve her fallen bag.

"Get out of my way, Johnny…" she demanded, as she slung her bag over her shoulder.

"Are you seriously mad at me for that night after Claudia and Nikolas' wedding?" he asked.

Of course she was angry at him for that night but not for the reasons that he was probably thinking of. She was actually grateful that he had the sense to stop before they made love but she was angry at him for still holding that power over her that made her go against every single instinct that she had. She was angry at him for causing her to go to a place so self-destructive. She knew that he was bad for her. People had been trying to tell her that for years and she thought that she had learned her lesson when he left her at the altar but there she was again, being sucked back into his life.

"Move." Lulu growled.

Instead of obliging her demand, he took three steps towards her so that he was close enough that she could smell his cologne and see the faint traces of stubble on his chin. He was too close for her to form a coherent sentence, let alone make anymore firm demands.

"Make me." Johnny whispered.

She closed her eyes, trying to make herself not lose control of the situation. She wouldn't and couldn't let him win. She had worked too hard to get over him and she would be damned if she would let herself fall back into his life. Being broken by him once was enough to last her a lifetime.

"Why are you doing this to me?" she asked.

"I haven't done anything but come to the MetroCourt for lunch…" he said, smirking, and she scoffed.

"Are you getting some sort of sick enjoyment from trying to destroy my life, Johnny? Is that what turns you on? Wrecking destruction on my life because yours is so miserable and sad?" she asked.

The smirk that was on Johnny's face suddenly disappeared and she knew that she had struck a chord. She knew that it was a low blow to say that when it was so obvious that he had not been holding up so well in the emotional sense but she had to do something to drive him away.

"Since we're getting things out in the open… mind if I share an observation?" he asked, his eyes narrowing on her.

"What?" she hissed.

"You're not angry at me… you're angry with yourself because you know that Dillon doesn't make you happy… and you know what? He probably never will…" he whispered.

"Go to hell…" she growled.

The degree to which she was angry with him was shocking to her because she didn't want him to be right. She had to believe that she could be happy with Dillon because if she couldn't, then where would that leave her? To return to his arms and to possibly get her heart stomped on again? She was not eager to enter another round of emotional rugby with him. She began to walk back in the direction of the restaurant but before she could even make it past him, Johnny grabbed her by the arm and pulled her towards him again.

"Trust me… I'm already there…" he whispered.

He released her arm quickly, as if recoiling from a hot surface, and she watched him as he briskly walked through the dining area of the restaurant and disappeared behind the elevator doors.

* * *

The sharp sound of the door to his father's study slamming shut didn't faze Johnny at all. His anger was driving all of his actions since that moment at the restaurant. He shrugged off his dark blazer and flung it onto the chaise lounge as he walked over to his liquor cart. He quickly poured himself a glass of scotch and downed it in just a few seconds, clenching the empty glass as the alcohol burned down his throat.

This was not how things were supposed to be.

He hated to admit it but Lulu was right. As much as he wanted her to be happy, that selfish part of him was growing every single day, wanting her for himself. The more he was around her, the more he wanted her to leave Dillon and to be with him, resenting that "noble" sacrifice that he had been forced to make. His eyes quickly flashed back over to the chaise lounge where his blazer lay, thinking about the feel of her fingers running through his hair, her hands groping his shirt, and her lips hungrily pressing against his. He could feel his hand begin to shake and as if a spasm had taken over his arm, he hurled his glass towards the small couch, shattering it into a million pieces against the wood frame. He wanted to not want her so badly. He wanted to not feel like he couldn't breathe without her. He then found himself overturning the liquor cart, sending his father's prized glassware to the floor. After years of living with Anthony Zacchara and his tantrums, the guards probably wouldn't have thought about entering a room that sounded like it was being demolished. He wanted that study to resemble how he felt inside: wrecked. He tossed books from their shelves, destroyed the lamps and even overturned his desk. With an anguish filled scream, he hurled his father's prized vase into a mirror, which jolted him out of his rage-filled stupor. His hands shook as he reached down and picked up a large fragment of the shattered mirror, looking into his dark countenance.

He knew that this rage was just covering up for the agonizing pain in his chest.

"Oh my god! What the hell happened in here?"

Johnny looked up, wiping away the tears that were falling from his eyes, to see Claudia standing in the doorway. He was slightly disarmed by her appearance, which was very uncharacteristic. She was sporting an even golden tan and was wearing a short and flowing teal summer dress with a pair of sandals, looking as if she had just walked off one of the beaches in Greece. She dropped her bag and immediately rushed to her brother's side, pulling him to his feet.

"How was the honeymoon?" Johnny asked, his voice completely blasé, and Claudia rolled her eyes.

"Don't try to change the subject… why did you decide to trash Daddy's study?" she asked.

"Don't you have a husband to worry about now?" he asked.

"Just because I got married doesn't mean that I'm going to abandon you, John… now you tell me what happened or do I have to beat it out of you?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

He could never put anything past his sister. She knew all of his defense mechanisms and the signs that he was spinning out of control. Lying to her was completely pointless and a waste of breath. He sighed heavily and walked over to the overturned desk and sat down on the edge. Claudia silently followed him and sat beside him, putting her hand on top of his.

"I need to get out of Port Charles, Claudia." Johnny exhaled.

"When?" she asked.

"As soon as possible… before I lose my mind…" he muttered.

"Because of Lulu?" she asked and he let out a small laugh.

"You don't miss a thing, do you?" he asked, looking over at his sister.

"Maybe it's because I know you so well…" she said.

"Maybe… but still, I don't think I can stand to watch her plan her future with Dillon… and I know that it'll kill me to watch her marry him…" he sighed.

"Did something else happen?" she asked.

"If by something else you mean we almost had sex right there on that couch on the night of your wedding, then yes… something else did happen…" he muttered, gesturing over towards the lounge, and Claudia's eyes widened.

"What?" she cried.

"We didn't go through with it of course… I stopped before it could get to that point…" he said.

"Why would you do that?" she asked, as if it was the dumbest thing that he could've done.

"Because I love her, Claudia! And because she doesn't know what she wants and I didn't want to take advantage of that…" he said.

"Well then fight for her! A part of her **clearly** still wants you, John!" she cried but he shook his head.

"I can't…" he lamented.

"Why not?" she asked.

"I just can't, Claudia…" he said.

"See, **this** is where you lose me, John… you say that you love her and you regret ever leaving her but you won't fight for her?" she asked.

"It's not that simple…" he explained.

"Well, explain it to me then, Johnny! And if you loved her like you say you did then why on earth did you leave?" she asked.

"It wasn't my decision! If had my way, Lulu would be **my** wife right now but—" he started.

"But what?" she asked.

Johnny looked down at his sister's hand and the large diamond resting on her finger and he couldn't bring himself to divulge the truth about the circumstances that made him flee from Port Charles. Of course, Claudia would go to bat for Johnny against Nikolas and to destroy him without even batting an eyelash but she would be brokenhearted after the damage was done because of how much she loved Nikolas. Suddenly, Claudia's cell phone began to ring and she groaned as she bent down to retrieve it from her purse.

"Oh! It's Nikolas… do you mind if I take it?" she asked.

"Not at all…" he muttered.

Claudia pressed a kiss to her brother's cheek and answered her phone. Johnny watched as Claudia spoke to her husband, twirling a lock of hair around her finger, with a wide smile on her face. Being in love looked good on her and what gave him the right to ruin it for her?

"I'm sorry but I have to run… Nikolas wants me to meet him at the country club for dinner tonight but I'm going to handle this situation." Claudia said as she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Before Johnny could even utter a word of protest, Claudia skirted from the room. Whenever Claudia said that she would "handle" something, it never turned out well. Of course she meant well but she had a habit of making things ten times worse than the original situation. Johnny sighed and looked around, surveying the damage that he had made and he couldn't help but to think about the damage that was yet to come.

* * *

"You were awfully quiet in the car…"

Lulu set down her purse on their kitchen counter and immediately went into the fridge to grab a bottle of beer. Without saying a word to her fiancé, she cracked open the bottle and took a long swig. Sensing that she was avoiding the question, Dillon plucked the bottle from her hands and lifted her chin up towards him.

"Tell me what's wrong, Lulu… if you're still not sold on the MetroCourt, we can still look at other places… I'm sure that Carly will understand…" he said.

"I think I worry you too much sometimes…" she sighed, taking his hand in hers.

"You wouldn't worry me if you would just tell me what was going on…" he insisted.

She couldn't tell him about her encounter with Johnny at the MetroCourt. She had already promised not to see him anymore after almost making love to him on the night of Claudia and Nikolas' wedding and if she told him the truth about seeing Johnny at the MetroCourt, he would've definitely been upset at her for "breaking her promise." She needed something else to tell him.

"Let's move our date up…" she said and as soon as the words came out of her mouth, she immediately regretted saying them.

"What?" he asked.

"We—we should move our date up…" she reiterated.

"Why? What's the rush?" he asked, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"I just—I want us to start our lives together, you know? I know that I haven't shown it a lot recently but I want to be your wife, Dillon…" she said.

A smile spread across his face and he immediately pulled her in for a kiss, clearly happy about her sudden enthusiasm about their upcoming wedding. He told her that he would handle calling everyone, including Carly, to inform them about moving the date up. As she watched him pick up his phone and chat away excitedly to Carly about the new plan, that sense of uneasiness in the pit of Lulu's stomach began to flare up.

This would not end well.

She was sure of it.


	8. When the Lights Go Out

**A/N**: Ok, I finally finished this chapter! Between finals and then my travel plans being messed up with the huge snowstorm on the east coast, I've just been so busy but this chapter is really long and really good… at least, I hope that it's good :) I might not be able to update until after the holidays (i.e. after New Year's) since I'll be busy with family stuff during the days leading up to Christmas and then I'm headed to Vegas for my birthday afterwards and I won't be back until after new year's. But I think you'll like this chapter so much that it should tie you over until after the holidays! Happy reading, Happy Holidays and don't forget to leave a comment!!

* * *

**Chapter 7 – When the Lights Go Out**

"Good evening, Miss Lulu… Master Dillon…"

Lulu smiled at Alfred as he greeted her and her fiancé at the door to Wyndamere. Claudia and Nikolas had just returned from their three week honeymoon in Greece and, much to Lulu's surprise, Claudia had called to invite the two of them over for dinner. Alfred ushered the two of them into the main dining room where Nikolas and Claudia were standing by the bar. Lulu smiled as she watched Nikolas completely engrossed in his new wife. His hand was resting on the small of her back and his gaze was focused intently on her as she spoke to him in a hushed voice.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! We didn't even notice that you two were here!" Nikolas said as he walked over to embrace his younger sister.

"Oh that's alright…" Lulu said.

Claudia sauntered over to the three of them and Lulu couldn't help but to notice the scrutinizing and almost accusatory look that was pouring out from her eyes. The change in Claudia's attitude towards her bothered Lulu a bit because they had been on good terms ever since Nikolas made it clear that he and Claudia were going to be together and she should accept it regardless of what had happened between the two of them prior.

"Lulu, may I speak to you for a moment?" Claudia asked.

"S—Sure…" Lulu stammered.

They left Dillon and Nikolas, who were busily chatting away over a few glasses of brandy after they had eaten dinner, and went onto the patio that overlooked the grounds. She immediately went to the railing of the balcony and stared out into the night sky. Lulu's heart began to race as she heard Claudia's footsteps draw closer to her.

"You _really_ messed up…" Claudia hissed.

"W—What?" Lulu gasped, whirling around to face her sister-in-law.

Claudia's face was pressed into a dark scowl and Lulu could feel her limbs start to shake. What could she have possibly done to earn Claudia's wrath? She couldn't think of a single thing that she did within the three weeks since she had last seen her that would warrant this type of response.

"You are killing my brother… do you know that?" Claudia growled.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Claudia… I haven't even seen Johnny since—" Lulu started.

"Since the night of my wedding when the two of you almost had sex?" Claudia screeched.

Lulu immediately shushed Claudia and looked back inside to see if Dillon had heard Claudia's outburst. When she noticed that he and Nikolas were still talking by the bar, Lulu looked down at her feet, too ashamed to look Claudia in the eye but admitting that what she had heard was true.

"You're loving this, aren't you? Sending John mixed messages and punishing him for leaving you at the altar." Claudia said but Lulu shook her head.

"I'm—I'm not trying to hurt him…" Lulu cried, tearfully trying to explain her actions.

"But you are! You are hurting him in the worst way possible… god, Lulu… are you that blind? Johnny is still in love with you… head-over-heels in love… and he's completely tortured by it… and the fact that you threw yourself at him is **not** helping!" Claudia cried.

_Johnny is still in love with you._

Hearing those words come from Claudia's mouth immediately made Lulu's stomach go into a freefall. How could that be true? He was the one who had left her. He was the one who didn't want her anymore. But even if that were true, and he was still in love with her after all this time, why hadn't he come back to Port Charles to get her back? Why didn't he fight to get her back?

"What do you want me to do then, Claudia?" Lulu shrieked.

"You have to choose! You either break things off completely with Johnny and leave him alone or you fess up to your fiancé that you want to be with my brother instead of him! It's not that hard!" Claudia fired back.

If only Claudia knew how untrue her words were.

Either way, someone was bond to get hurt. She couldn't bear the thought of hurting Dillon. He had been nothing but kind and loving to her ever since he came back into her life last year. He was a great distraction from the pain of being abandoned and she loved him for that and she couldn't bear to break his heart when he had done so much for her. And then there was Johnny. Lulu swallowed hard as his face popped into her mind. She knew that she was hurting him with her behavior and her inability to control herself. But she knew Johnny too well and she knew that he would be devastated if she told him that even after they had reconnected, she was still choosing another man over him.

"I—I can't… I can't do that to either of them…" Lulu sobbed and Claudia let out an exasperated sigh.

"You may be one of the most selfish people I have ever met, Lulu… this isn't about Dillon or my brother… this is all about you and how you don't want to let either of them go!" Claudia cried.

"Hey! That's enough!"

Both Claudia and Lulu turned around to find Nikolas at the door. Her emotions were rising into her throat, suffocating her from the inside. Lulu's hands flew to cover her mouth but she couldn't stop herself from bursting into hysterical tears. She felt her brother's arms wrap around her shoulders as her entire body shook violently. Her limbs felt heavy, almost as heavy as they did as she collapsed to the floor, clutching Johnny's letter to her chest, on her wedding day and she never wanted to resurface.

"Claudia, come on… you're not being fair…" Nikolas said.

"Nikolas, just as you feel the need to protect your sister, I have to protect my brother and she's not oblivious! She knows what she's doing to him is wrong…" Claudia said.

"But it doesn't give you the right to scream at her!" Nikolas cried.

"Well, maybe it will finally resonate with her!" Claudia yelled.

"Stop it!" Lulu screamed.

The newlywed couple went silent at Lulu's demand and she shrugged her brother's arms off her and made her way back inside the house. This was too much for her to handle. She needed to get as far away from everyone as possible in order to clear her head. Her eyes were watery as she stumbled towards the front door, making everything swirl and blur around her, but she felt a hand grab her arm.

"Let me go!" she yelled.

"Not until you calm down, Lulu…" Dillon firmly said.

"I need to get out of here! You can either let me go or I will fight you… either way, I'm getting out of this house!" she cried.

Dillon, wide-eyed in shock, gently released Lulu's arm from his grasp and she managed to make it out of the house. She wiped her eyes as she walked down towards the parked launch. The driver of the launch smiled warmly at Lulu and extended the ramp out so that she could climb aboard.

"I received a call from Mr. Cassadine about arranging a car to take you home or wherever you would like to go. Where should I tell the driver to take you?" the launch driver asked.

She could hear Claudia's accusations ringing like bells in her head and as much as she hated to admit it, Claudia was right. She couldn't have both Dillon and Johnny in her life. She had to make a choice. Lulu shivered at the idea of a confrontation but it was unavoidable.

She had to cut Johnny out of her life for good.

She hated how out of control he made her feel when he was near her and she hated how she immediately was drawn to him even after he had left her in a state of complete emotional devastation. What gave him the right to come back after two years and to conjure up all of these feelings that she thought that she had buried deep inside of her?

No, this had to end.

Tonight.

"Tell the driver that I need to go to the Zacchara mansion… I have some business that I need to settle with John Zacchara… once and for all…" she said.

* * *

"Is there anything else that you need from me, Mr. Zacchara?"

Johnny looked up at the guard and shook his head, giving the man a dismissing motion. The guard nodded politely and made a discrete exit from the study. He always felt bad about making the house staff do things for him but he was too drained to pack up his things to return to Italy himself. He sat in his father's chair and sighed heavily. He knew that he shouldn't have come back to Port Charles and cursed Claudia's effective persuasion skills. He had made things so much worse for himself by allowing himself to be so close to Lulu because either way, she had the power to hurt him. It hurt him to see her move on, even though he knew that it was for the best because he was no good for her but it hurt him just the same to have her still want him because he knew that he could never have her.

"You're leaving?"

The familiar voice made his heart freeze inside of his chest and he reluctantly looked up to see Lulu standing in the doorway to the study. Surely this was karmic justice for all of the wretched things that he had done to her because now there was no escaping her. He heard the sound of her heels draw closer to him and he sighed and lifted his gaze to her. Her eyes were red and watery, as if she had been crying before she arrived here, but her lips were pressed together to form a thin line, trying to feign indifference.

"Yeah, I'm flying back to Milan in the morning…" he sighed.

"Good." Lulu said and Johnny scoffed.

"Well, I'm glad that my departure from Port Charles pleases you…" he said softly, trying his best not to show that her obvious disdain hurt him.

"That's—That's why I'm here… this thing that's going on between us… it ends tonight…" she said, folding her arms across her chest.

"And what exactly is going on between us, Lulu? I don't think you even know…" he said, matter-of-factly.

"And I don't want you at my wedding either…" she quickly added.

The pain that seared through his heart when he heard her request shocked him. He never intended to go to her wedding anyway but the fact that she had said that she didn't want him there stung him. She didn't want him at her wedding and she didn't want him in any aspect of her life anymore. He pulled the drawer of his father's mahogany desk and took out the envelope that held the save-the-date that she had sent weeks earlier. He watched her eyes widen and her mouth tighten as he proceeded to rip up the envelope and its contents and drop the shards into the trashcan near her feet.

"I hope that made you feel better…" she snarled.

"You know what? It did… it made me feel so much better that I think I could do a cartwheel right now…" he said as he slid his chair backwards.

He made his way over to the liquor cart and he could feel her following closely behind him. He could feel her rage emanating off her and he knew that he had struck a nerve. The woman was an enigma, pushing him away with one hand but grasping onto him for dear life with the other and he couldn't take the back and forth thing for much longer. Being tempted with the prospect of being with her was almost too much to bear and if she kept coming to him, he was sure that he wasn't going to have the willpower to push her away for her own good anymore.

"God, I hate you so much! I wish I never met you because then you wouldn't have this stupid pull over me to make me upset!" she cried.

"Why should you care? You have Dillon… your prince charming… if you love Dillon like you say you do, then you wouldn't even be here arguing with me!" he fired back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked as he poured himself a glass of scotch.

"You know exactly what I mean… shy don't you stop kidding yourself, Lulu, and just admit it…" he said.

"And what's that?" she hissed and he slammed down his glass of scotch.

"You don't love him because you're still in love with me!" he cried.

He immediately regretted his outburst and felt his stomach turn as all of the color vanished from Lulu's face, as if someone had just discovered her deepest and darkest secret, and he watched, with horrified eyes, as she burst into a hysterical fit of tears right before him. He had never seen her cry so hard for as long as he had known her but he knew that she must've cried like that for days, maybe even weeks, after her abandoned her.

"You don't get to do this to me… you—you left me, Johnny! You were the one who left me… and I loved you so much that when you left, a part of me died inside…" she sobbed.

"Lulu…" he said, reaching out for her but she backed away from his arms.

"And you can't just waltz back into my life two years later right as I'm starting to put myself back together and tell me this! You had your chance and you ruined it all on your own!" she cried.

"I know! I know… and I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life…" he explained.

"Did you even think about me? Lying on that floor, clutching that stupid letter that you wrote? Did that even cross your mind?" she asked, wiping her eyes.

"Of course it did! I thought about you every single second while I was gone! I remember waking up that morning so excited because I know by the end of the day that you were going to be my wife… I didn't—I never wanted to leave you…" he cried.

He had carried her with him for those long two years that he was without her. He thought about the nights that he would reach for her, wanting to wrap his arms around her waist and hold her so close that he could smell the sweet scent of strawberry shampoo in her hair, but he would wake up and remember why she wasn't sleeping beside him and the feeling of his silent tears rolling down his face as he realized that he would never have that again.

"What?" she asked in a voice so small that it could've been a whisper.

"I—I was the reason why Michael got shot…" he stammered.

"No… Claudia admitted to that…" she said but he shook his head.

"**I** was the one who ordered the hit out on Sonny and it went wrong and I thought—I _knew_ that you would never forgive me if the truth came out and I could live with the idea of you hating me for leaving you but I couldn't stand the idea of you thinking that you were married to a monster…" he said.

As he finished, he turned away from her and pressed his fingertips to his temple. All of these feelings and thoughts had been bottled up for so long but she deserved to know. He walked back over towards his desk and laid his palms flat on the surface and sighed heavily. She had thought that he left because he didn't care or love her enough but it was because he loved her so much. His life was like a thin piece of string, wrapped around her delicate finger and with one sudden shift, he would be severed and lost to this world.

"Johnny…" she whispered.

He gritted his teeth, knowing that she was crying again. He hated himself for making her cry so much. There were so many times that he honestly thought that he was only capable of bringing misery to the people he knew. He had wrecked her life starting with that night that she climbed into his yellow Mustang. He dropped his head and squeezed his eyelids shut, trying to fight back the onslaught of emotions that were threatening to surface.

"And maybe I did it to punish myself too… I didn't think that I deserved you and I probably still don't… but I thought that I didn't deserve to be happy for what I had done…" he said.

"That's—That's why you left me? Because of Michael's shooting?" she asked and he turned around to face her.

"Yes… it wasn't because I didn't love you or didn't want to marry you… if anything, it was because I loved you so much that I left… I didn't want you—I didn't want you to look at me like…" he started.

However, he couldn't stop his voice from breaking. Her close proximity to him and the resurgence of all of these repressed feelings was a lethal combination and his composure was no match for it. He felt his shoulders cave inward as a fit of sobs came over him. He didn't even feel one ounce of shame in crying in front of Lulu because she would finally see something that he had known probably since the day that they met.

_He couldn't live without her._

He felt her hands cup his face and her thumbs gently brush away the wetness from his cheeks. His eyes opened and were met with her watery gaze. Her bottom lip was trembling, clearly affected by his overture. As they stared into each other's eye, without saying a word, Johnny knew that they had reached a crossroads. If she walked away now, he could go on with his life without her. He would be miserable but he could do it because it would be what she wanted. But if she didn't leave at that exact moment, he wouldn't be able to let go. He would have no more strength left to muster up to carry on without her. As his forehead pressed against hers, Johnny's hands slid upwards and tilted her face towards him.

She had to choose.

He was bracing himself to be pushed away. He anticipated the feeling of her face turning away from his but it didn't come. As her lips came to his, more tears came to his eyes because it told him everything that he had wanted to hear since the day that he left: she still loved him. Succumbing to his fate of being bound to her forever, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.

_And he was never letting go._

* * *

Lulu felt herself being lifted off her feet and sliding into Johnny's strong arms, all the while never releasing his lips from hers. The feeling of being carried by him was something so foreign but familiar and comfortable at the same time. She had thought that a sign that they were meant to be together was how easily she fit in his arms. As he climbed up the stairs, her hand came to the top of his navy shirt and she began to unbutton it and as she placed her hand on the patch of exposed bare skin, she could feel that his heart was beating as fast as hers.

Completely in-sync.

Her eyes opened as he carried her into his bedroom. The lights were off, only letting the moonlight from the bay windows bathe the room in silvery light. She felt herself being set down on the edge of his four post bed, atop of the same crimson bed spread that they had lay underneath so many times, but she kept holding onto his shoulders, never wanting to break contact with him. He kissed his way down her jaw until he began layering kisses along her neck, making her shudder. Every single kiss that he laid on her skin sent a jolt through her entire body. The intensity that was behind every kiss, touch and embrace was something that she had never experienced before and hadn't felt since he had vanished from her life. He moved swiftly, divesting himself of his jeans and tossing the unwanted article of clothing aside. She reached for the zipper on the side of her dress but his fingers enveloped her hand to stop her.

"No… let me…" he whispered.

She nodded meekly and he slowly undid the zipper, pressing soft kisses down the side of her torso as he went down. As he reached the bottom of the zipper, he pulled the dress down, having it slide down her waist and over her legs before he tossed it aside, making it land on top of his jeans. He took one of her legs in his hands and made his way back up towards her, caressing and kissing it on the way back up. The degree to which she craved him was mildly frightening but he was going at a slow and torturous pace.

She had waited and had been denied this for too long.

She took him by the lapels of his shirt and pulled him back so that he was hovering over her. His eyes were dark and intense, wordlessly telling her what he wanted to do to her, as she peeled off the remaining pieces that she was wearing. She watched him drink in the sigh of her completely bare and vulnerable beneath him. He then wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her back so that he was sitting and she was straddling his lap. He let out a sharp breath against her skin and his grip on her waist slightly tightened as she kissed his earlobe and his neck. Her fingers moved nimbly as they unfastened the rest of the buttons on his shirt and she quickly tossed it aside. She didn't know how much longer she could wait for him. Her hands tugged at the elastic waistband of his boxers, urging him to take her before she lost her mind out of sheer need. A faint trace of a smirk quickly passed over his lips, acknowledging her silent request and he agilely shifted and removed the offending garment quickly.

"Please…" she whispered, pressing her forehead to his.

Every ounce of her body was crying for him and he obliged her and slid into her quickly. She gasped, clutching his shoulders, as he held her there for what seemed like an eternity without moving, but she felt him lift her chin up to look at him. His eyes were soft and warm and she could feel the adoration that he felt for her radiating from them.

"I love you…" he whispered.

She wanted to say something but as she opened her mouth, he pressed a finger to her lips to silence her and he kissed her softly. She quickly forgot how to even form a coherent thought, let alone a sentence, as he began moving her on top of him. Their rhythm was slow and hypnotic at first, either to drive them both to the brink of insanity or to savor every possible moment that they had together that night. She could feel the buildup of her release pooling together in her core and she buried her face into the crook of Johnny's neck, letting a small whimper pass over her lips. She held him closer as if to hold herself steady as she slowly began to lose control of her body as she neared that edge. He quickly turned her over so that she was lying beneath him and he hitched one of her legs around his waist.

"Johnny…" she exhaled.

He turned her face so that she was staring straight up at him. He leaned in and kissed her, letting his tongue hungrily dart in and out of her mouth and she was certain that she was going to lose it. She couldn't remember the last time that someone had made her feel like this. Her nails bore into his skin but he showed no discomfort. If anything, he was completely lost in this moment like she was to think about anything else but her.

"Stay with me…" he breathed.

She held onto him for dear life, listening to the sound of his breath grow more labored with each stroke, each one stronger and more passionate that the last, until she couldn't hold out anymore. She cried out his name one last time as her entire body tensed and she threw her head back, coming apart in his arms. His grip on her leg tightened and he buried his face into her neck, letting a low groan from his own release escape from his lips. As they slowly began their descent from their euphoria, she allowed him to pull her in close, laying her head on his chest.

"Johnny?" she whispered.

She looked up and saw that he had drifted off to sleep. She reached over to stroke his face but was startled when her engagement ring caught the moonlight and shone brightly, as if to remind her of the huge betrayal that she had just committed. She looked to the ring and then back to Johnny, her eyes now beginning to water again like they had hours before. She carefully bent over to give Johnny a small kiss on the corner of his mouth and wiped the tears that had fallen from her eyes from his cheek.

"I love you too…" she whispered.


	9. Harder to Breathe

**A/N: **Happy New Year everybody! I hope that you guys had a good and memorable holiday season! So, here's the next installment of the story and it's the longest to date so this is my holiday present to all you readers out there :) I know that this is very overdue but I'm really glad that you're enjoying the story as much as I enjoy writing it! So, without further ado… onwards! Happy reading and don't forget to leave a comment!

* * *

**Chapter 8 – Harder to Breathe**

The morning sun poured in through the windows of Johnny's bedroom and he stretched his arms over his head as his eyes fluttered open. The sound of something being shuffled around roused him from his sleep and he turned over only to notice an empty space next to him in his bed. He sat up quickly and saw her stepping into the dress that she had worn the night before.

"Going somewhere?" he asked.

His voice must've startled her because she jumped slightly upon hearing his voice. She zipped up her dress and ran her fingers through her hair, all the while never looking him straight in the eye. He slid out of bed, quickly slipping back into his boxer shorts and put his hands on her shoulders as he pressed his lips to the top of her head. She quickly shrugged his hands off her and folded her arms across her chest.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I—I can't…" she whispered.

"You can't what?" he asked, chuckling slightly.

She turned around to face him and she wasn't smiling. Her eyes were red, like she had been crying for the majority of the morning, and he could feel his own smile fading. She couldn't do this to him, not after what happened the night before. He had finally gotten her back and everything that they had meant to each other back. She couldn't do this to him now.

"Johnny…" she started and he pressed his fingertips to his temple and sighed heavily, his exasperation reaching an all-time high.

"You can't be serious…" he muttered.

"I have to go…" she said.

She attempted to move to the door but he caught her arm in his hand to stop her. He could hear her breath catch in her throat at his touch and he turned around to face her. She wriggled her arm from his grip and immediately began nervously twisting her engagement around her finger. The sight of that atrociously gaudy ring on her finger made him nauseous. After spending last night making love to her and laying claim to every inch of her lovely body, that ring seemed to jolt him back into the unpleasant reality that she was still intended for someone else.

"To where? To Dillon? You're not still going to marry the guy, are you?" he asked.

"Y—Yes! I'm still going to marry him, Johnny!" she cried.

"How? How could you still want to marry him after last night?" he yelled.

"Because I love him! Because Dillon is good to me and I'm not going to throw it all away because of you!" she shrieked, accusingly point a finger at him.

"So, let me get this straight… you make love to me last night, spend the night here, and then you go back to your fiancé in the morning? What kind of sense does that make?" he asked.

"I don't know! Last night was—"she started.

"Last night was what?" he asked, drawing closer to her.

"A mistake! It was a **huge** mistake, Johnny… I'm still engaged to Dillon and he—he loves me…" she said.

She attempted to turn away from him but he caught her arm in his and kept her from doing so. After baring his soul and recapturing what they had, he wasn't going to go down without a fight. If she was going to do this to him, she was going to look him in the eye and tell him that she didn't want him. It would be the only way that he would ever believe her.

"Dillon loves you? Lulu, _I love you_! I am _so_ in love with you… don't you see that? Don't you know how long I've waited and hoped and prayed to have you back?" he cried.

"Nothing's change between us…" she said softly, as if she was unsure of her own words, and he scoffed at her utterance.

"Nothing's changed? Lulu, everything's changed… you know how I feel about you and I know how you feel about me…" he said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, tearing her arm from his grasp.

"You love me… I know you do…" he whispered as he cupped her face in his hands.

Her eyes were closed and her bottom lip was trembling, silently begging him to kiss her. Her traitorous body was crying for him even though she spoke contrary to it. He knew that she wanted him and loved him. All she had to do was just say the words.

"I—I don't love you…" she stammered.

"Then how do you explain last night?" he asked, running his fingers over her lips.

"Closure…" she exhaled shakily.

"Closure? Really? That's the best you can do?" he asked.

He bent down to kiss her but she turned her head at the last minute and walked away from him. Those walls that he thought that he had torn down as he made love to her last night were going up mighty fast and he was finding himself on the other side. His eyes fell to her hands and he watched them tremble at her sides, clearly affected by his overtures in some sort of way despite her best efforts to shove him away.

"Look… if I said that last night wasn't amazing, I'd be lying but no matter how good you made me feel last night, this can't go any further…" she explained, folding her arms across her chest.

"You are such a horrible liar…" he said, shaking his head.

"Why would I lie?" Lulu asked.

"Because you're scared… and you have every right to be… I hurt you in the worst possible way and you don't trust me enough with your heart again right now… but I promise you that I will never hurt you again." Johnny said.

"You don't get to tell me what I feel and what I don't! You have no idea what I feel for you or for my fiancé!" she cried.

But he did know. After the night before and rediscovering the physical and emotional connection that they both thought was gone, there was no way that she didn't love him. The way that she had whimpered his name over and over again as he made love to her was one of intense longing, as if she too had waited for those two years for him to come back to her. He neared her, putting his hands on her shoulders and letting them slide up the sides of her neck to cup and tilt her face towards his. Her eyes were closed but she did nothing to stop him. He could feel her soft and nervous breath on his face, feeling the conflict taking hold of her body.

"Tell me something then… when you're with Dillon, do you beg for him like you did for me? Does your body cry for him like it did for me?" he whispered and she let out a soft but painful cry, acknowledging that all that he said was true.

"Why are you doing this to me?" she sobbed.

"To show you something…" he said, pressing his forehead to hers.

"What?" she asked.

"That you don't feel for him in the same way that you feel for me…" he muttered.

As soon as the words rolled off his tongue, he pressed his lips to hers. Her hands clutched his as they held her face as she returned the kiss eagerly. He could feel the tears that were slipping from her eyes on his face as he claimed her with his lips. He felt her hands come to his face and she tore her lips from his, shaking her head.

"I can't… I can't love you, Johnny…" she gasped.

Johnny felt his heart freeze in his chest at her words. He felt her slip out of his arms and retreat towards the door. She shot him one last glance before closing the door behind her and he pressed his forehead against it, hearing her quiet sobs on the other side. He listened as her footsteps grew fainter and fainter as she made her way down the hall and then a few moments later when he heard the front door slam shut, which was when he slammed his own fist against the door.

_He was such a fool._

He had hurt her so much that she couldn't come back from it. It was stupid of him to think that he could just say the words and all would be forgiven and healed. He cradled his hand, which was now throbbing with pain from the impact with the hard wooden door, as he made his way back to his bed. The sheets and blankets were still rumpled and warm, reminding him that she had been his not too long ago. He slid underneath the sheets and drew one of the pillows to his chest and he felt his own tears slip from his eyes as he inhaled the scent of her shampoo on her pillow.

* * *

Lulu shivered as she walked along the deserted road that connected Port Charles with the Zacchara estate at Crimson Pointe. She continuously wiped her eyes as she trudged along but her eyes just released new tears to replace the ones that she wiped away. The cold metal of her engagement ring pricked her skin and guilt of what she had just done was starting to weigh down on her. It was a strange feeling. She felt bad for betraying Dillon's love and trust. He adored her with all of his heart and she had just committed the largest offense against him but she was more distraught about how she had just left things with Johnny.

She felt guilty for not feeling guiltier about sleeping with Johnny.

Everything that he had said to her was true. Dillon didn't give her that same feeling that Johnny did when he touched her, kissed her or made love to her. She was content with her life with Dillon and with him but she wasn't happy. She swore under her breath as she found herself agreeing with Johnny and went into her purse to find her phone. She would never make it back into town by foot. Suddenly, a taxicab pulled up to her and the driver asked her if he could offer her a ride back into town. She thanked the man and climbed inside the warm car.

"Where am I taking you, ma'am?" the driver asked.

She couldn't go back to the apartment, not looking like this. Dillon would know that something had happened and truthfully, she didn't want to face him. She felt horrible as it was and to have him look at her with disapproving eyes would be too much for her to handle right now. She needed a safe place to go.

"657 Harbor View Road, please…" she told the cab driver.

Carly.

Carly would help her as she always did. Carly would be the voice of unbiased reason that she needed to hear. The cab began to speed towards the collection of buildings that formed downtown Port Charles. The car passed by the MetroCourt hotel and her thoughts went to her own wedding that was to take place in that very same hotel in a few months time. Could she still go through with marrying Dillon while knowing how much she loved Johnny? Could she pledge herself to one man while her heart belonged to another? She had been hurt so many times, the worst of all by Johnny, and she didn't think she had the strength to handle one more broken heart.

"Ma'am… we're here… that'll be twenty-two dollars…" the driver said.

Lulu snapped out of her daze and pulled out her wallet, paying the driver twenty-five dollars as she slid out of the vehicle. Carly was already at the door when she arrived. Carly took one look at her cousin's face and immediately ushered her inside of the house.

"You were right, Carly…" Lulu sighed and Carly smiled slightly as she returned from the kitchen with two steaming cups of tea.

"I always like to hear that…" Carly said triumphantly as she handed her cousin one of the mugs and Lulu immediately set it down on the coffee table in front of them

"I've really screwed up this time…" Lulu groaned, putting her head in her hands.

"What is it?" Carly asked.

"When we went shopping for wedding dresses… you told me that you thought that I was self-sabotaging myself like you had done… remember?" Lulu asked.

"Yeah…" Carly said in a way that was more like a question.

"I think that you may have been right…" Lulu whispered.

The tears in her eyes were heavy behind her eyelids. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried so much. Her mother had always told her that the ones that we love are always the ones who make us cry and she never understood the philosophy behind that message until that exact moment. Dillon had never made her cry like this. He had when she the thought that she was in love with him when she was practically a child but the amount of pain in her heart then was a mere fraction of what it was now.

"Well, I didn't want to be right about that... is it Johnny?" Carly asked and she nodded.

"I was with him last night… and we—we made love…" Lulu admitted, wiping her eyes.

Saying the words aloud proved to be far more difficult for her because even she couldn't wrap her mind around the events of the night before. She winced, bracing herself for one of Carly's lectures but it didn't come. Carly just looked on with pity as she continued to rid her cheeks of her tears. It was almost as if Carly already knew what had happened and what she was feeling.

"And where does that leave Dillon?" Carly asked and Lulu laughed bitterly.

"I don't know! Everything that I thought that I knew is completely gone, Carly…" Lulu cried and Carly grabbed her young cousin's trembling hands.

"Ok… then what do you know? What **are** you certain of right now?" Carly asked.

"I know that I love Johnny… and I never really stopped…" Lulu exhaled.

Carly squeezed Lulu's hands, knowing how hard it was for her to admit her true feelings. She reached over and ran her fingers gently through Lulu's golden curls, like a mother comforting a child. It was times like this she was grateful that she had someone like Carly in her life when her own parents, for one reason or another, couldn't be there.

"Ok, why don't you start from the beginning?" Carly asked and Lulu took a deep breath.

"I got into with Claudia earlier… she told me that I was being unfair to Johnny…" Lulu started and Carly rolled her eyes upon hearing Claudia's name. There was no love lost between the two women, especially since the truth about Michael's shooting came out.

"Don't listen to her, Lulu… she doesn't know what she's talking about…" Carly growled.

"But she was right! I had been unfair to Johnny… I was sending him mixed messages… kissing him one minute and then telling him that I didn't want him in the next minute… and then we—we almost made love on the night of Nikolas and Claudia's wedding… that's what really set her off, I guess…" Lulu said.

"So, you got into with Claudia… then you went over to Crimson Pointe?" Carly asked.

"Yeah, she told me that I needed to make a choice… Dillon or Johnny…" Lulu sighed.

"So, you went to Johnny's to tell him that you wanted to be with him?" Carly asked.

She had every intention of breaking things off with Johnny when she stepped into that car. She was going to be strong and firm when she told him that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Sometimes she thought that she wasn't truly a Spencer because of her lack of backbone. One little thing would just send her spiraling out of control and make her unravel at the seams. She put her head in her hands and sighed heavily.

"No… I went—I went to tell him that we couldn't see each other anymore…" Lulu said softly.

"And I take it that it didn't go as you thought it would…" Carly said, wincing.

"We argued first… and I admit that I just wanted to hurt him to push him away but then he—he told me the real reason why he left…" Lulu sighed.

"Which was?" Carly asked.

"Michael's shooting. He said that he was the one who ordered the hit on Sonny and he felt that if I found out that he was partially responsible that I would never forgive him…" Lulu said.

"Oh, Lulu…" Carly muttered.

"He said that he could live with me hating him for leaving but the thought of me hating him or regretting being married to him for what he had done—" Lulu started before her voice broke like Johnny's had.

Johnny's face as he bared his soul to her came to her mind. The immense sadness that racked his voice and his body made her eyes begin to water. She had never known anyone who loved her that much. The thought of her hating him was too unbearable for him. Her hand flew to her mouth, stifling the sob that was building in her chest, but even Carly could see what was going through her young cousin's mind. Her breath came in short spurts as her unwanted tears began to spill down her face.

"He—He never wanted to leave me… he wanted to stay… he wanted to marry me, Carly! _He wanted me!_" Lulu sobbed.

Carly put her arms around Lulu, her sobs now more vocal. All this time, she had just thought that he didn't want to be bound to her forever and that was why he fled. She thought that she wasn't enough for him, like she hadn't been enough for most of the people in her life. But now knowing the real truth was now more painful than thinking that he had just abandoned her simply because he didn't want her.

_He had wanted her… and still did…_

Carly's fingers threaded through Lulu's golden curls, calming her. As Lulu's sobs began to subside, she felt Carly's hands lift her face up gently to meet her, brushing the tears from her face. Her green eyes were gleaming with empathy, almost as she was feeling her cousin's distress.

"And what do you want? Do you want Johnny?" Carly asked.

"I love him, Carly… I do... but I—I can't do this again with him… when he left, it nearly destroyed me… and if he hurts me again, I don't think I'd ever recover…" Lulu said, shaking her head.

"But what do **you** want?" Carly reiterated, emphasizing the importance of what her cousin wanted.

"I want… I want stability… I want certainty… and I want to not be in love with Johnny because I know that I can't have that with him…" Lulu said.

"Listen to me, Lulu… love isn't always stable or certain… sometimes it's wild, passionate and fleeting but sometimes it's deep and lasting… you don't want to miss out on that just because you're scared… **I** don't want you to miss out on having something like that in your life…" Carly said.

Lulu felt a smile creep across her lips. She knew that there was a reason that she always kept coming back to Carly for advice, guidance or just for a laugh. Anybody else in Port Charles would've made her feel guilty for betraying Dillon but not Carly. Carly never judged, only listened. She was more concerned about Lulu, rather than her actions, and she loved her older cousin for that. Lulu squeezed Carly's hand tightly and sighed.

"Thank you, Carly… I know that you're worried… but I know what I can handle and what's best for me…" Lulu said.

"Do you?" Carly asked.

The question sent a chill through her heart because she honestly couldn't answer Carly. Everything had changed. A door that she thought had been closed forever was suddenly wide open and Johnny was standing there, arms outreached, begging her to come to him. But at the same time her foot was already in another with her hand being held by Dillon. She could look at Dillon and see exactly where she would be in fifty years. She knew that he would do everything to keep her happy with him and she would be complacently content with their life.

_But not happy._

Not in the way that she knew that she could be with Johnny. When she was with him, the entire world fell away and she felt alive. That fire and that passion that Carly spoke of was what she had with Johnny. But passion was a double-edged sword, beautiful and exhilarating but dangerous and destructive at times. She and Johnny had blazed for a time and they had been burnt so badly that neither of them thought that they would ever recover. The scars that still remained were still raw and reminded her of all that Johnny could do if she gave him the chance. She couldn't let him do that to her again, no matter how much she loved him.

"Yes…" Lulu whispered and all Carly could do was just raise an eyebrow at the obvious uncertainty in her voice.

* * *

"Another one, please…"

The bartender at the MetroCourt shot Johnny a wary glance but obliged the young man's firm request and replenished his glass of scotch. He immediately downed the glass, wincing as it burned his throat on the way down. He sighed as he slammed the small glass back down on the countertop. His head was swimming, knowing that he was well on his way into inducing a drunken stupor, which was exactly his plan. Perhaps if he drank himself into oblivion, he could forget about the pain that was searing through his heart as he thought of losing Lulu once again.

"Drinking isn't going to solve your problems, you know…"

Johnny gritted his teeth upon recognizing who the smug comment came from. He looked back to see Nikolas standing behind him, arms folded and eyes narrowed. Johnny had about a million explicatives running through his mind that he wanted to hurl at his brother-in-law but he had to keep his cool.

"Leave me alone…" Johnny growled.

"Dillon called and told me that Lulu didn't come home last night… were you with her?" Nikolas asked, taking a seat on a barstool beside Johnny.

Johnny couldn't help but to laugh bitterly at Nikolas' question. The man had some nerve to question him about Lulu's whereabouts even if the answer pained Johnny to his very core. He closed his eyes as images of her wrapped around his body from the night before assaulted his eyes and he signaled to the bartender to pour him another drink. Being this close to the man who cost him his happiness was making his stomach turn. All he wanted to do was shove Nikolas and his smugness off that stupid barstool.

"If Lulu had been with me last night, I wouldn't be here, now would I?" Johnny drawled, trying to cover up his own hurt.

"It's not like her to drop out of sight… unless if she was ashamed to let people know where she was…" Nikolas said.

Johnny's anger was starting to boil in the pit of his stomach but even he knew that Nikolas was right. He knew the woman that he loved well and he could tell that she was afraid, ashamed even, of what she was feeling. The bartender slid Johnny another glass of scotch and he swirled it around in his hand, not even looking up at Nikolas. If he said that he wasn't hurt by the fact that she was ashamed to still have feelings for him, he would be lying but it was his fault. He should've been stronger. He should've fought the man that was sitting beside him for the woman that he loved instead of rolling over in defeat. He barely even put up a fight for the love of his life. His self-loathing was starting to mix with the hatred directed at Nikolas that was coursing through his veins, creating a combustive combination that was on the brink of detonating.

"You should go… before you say something you'll regret." Johnny seethed.

"Or what?" Nikolas countered.

"I'd hate to break that face of yours… not because you don't deserve it but because I know it would upset my sister…" Johnny said.

"You just need to face the facts, Johnny… Lulu doesn't want you… and she never will…" Nikolas hissed.

As soon as the last syllable rolled off Nikolas' tongue, Johnny's hand curled up into a fist and smacked right into Nikolas' jaw. The impact from the punch sent Nikolas backwards off the stool and to the floor and Johnny hopped off his own barstool, letting his fury take control of his fists as they pounded into his brother-in-law. All he could think about was to make Nikolas feel the same pain that Johnny felt. He wanted Nikolas to know what his actions had caused. Nikolas, probably a sign of his pampered upbringing, was unsuccessful at defending himself or landing any blows on Johnny but he was quickly apprehended by hotel security. Two security guards had to pry Johnny off of the Russian aristocrat, who was now rubbing his swollen jaw.

"Are you alright, Mr. Cassadine?" the man who Johnny recognized as being head of security asked.

"Yes… I'm ok…" Nikolas said, straightening out his blazer as he stood up.

"The PCPD will be here momentarily to escort Mr. Zacchara downtown…" the man said, motioning to the security guards to take Johnny outside.

Johnny fought hard against the two men who held his hands behind his back but the kept a firm grip on him as they began to lead him to the door. He didn't care if Nikolas was Lulu's brother or his sister's husband. For too long, he had just wallowed in his own misery, never even lifting a finger to do anything to rectify the wrongs that had been committed to keep him and Lulu apart. He wanted to hurt Nikolas until he realized how much he and Lulu were both hurting because of his interference. Johnny could see the flashing lights of the police cars as they pulled into the valet of the MetroCourt and he tried to stop the guards from shoving him out of the hotel.

"You know that this is your fault, Nikolas! The reason why Lulu is spinning out of control is because of you!" Johnny screamed.

Much to Johnny's surprise, the look on Nikolas' face was not the same one of smug confidence as before but rather one of a worried recognition, as if Nikolas knew the truth of Johnny's words. Nikolas knew that Johnny was right. He knew that if he had just stayed out of the situation, Lulu wouldn't be agonizing over her commitment to Dillon while grappling with her feelings for Johnny. He knew that he was part of the cause of his sister's pain. Johnny felt his body being shoved into the squad car as Nikolas walked outside to watch Johnny be taken down to the PCPD. Johnny could see the fear in his eyes as he shrunk into the distance as the car pulled away from the hotel. Nikolas was standing in the middle of a huge wreckage that he had helped create and because he was the only one standing, he had everything to lose.

* * *

Lulu waved goodbye to Carly as she pulled away from the front of her apartment building. As she inhaled the cool and fresh morning air, she wished that it could clear her mind but it was still in a fog about what had happened and all that she had discovered the night before. She wished that she could just inhale and then expel her feelings for Johnny as she exhaled but life was never that easy. The climb up the three flights of stairs to the apartment that she shared with Dillon seemed unusually long. Her feet were heavy with the guilt and the pain that was racking her heart as she took each step. She fished her keys out of her purse but before she could even open the door, it swung right open, revealing her fiancé, worry and fear written across his face.

"My god, Lulu… I was so worried…" he whispered.

He pulled her to him roughly and put his arms around her. She could feel his heartbeat running madly through his chest. He wasn't exaggerating. She cleared her throat uncomfortably and he let her go but held her face in his hands.

"Would you like to tell me where the hell you've been?" he asked, his voice hoarse from his obvious fatigue.

"I was at—" she began.

Her voice failed her as she looked at him. She could see that he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before and her stomach churned as she thought of him pacing around their living room, waiting up for her, as she was in bed with Johnny. She was so disgusted with herself and her actions. How could she do that to Dillon, who had only loved her and cared for her? And how could she still desire another man with every fiber of her being when she had someone like Dillon? She swallowed hard, preparing herself to lie to him.

"You were where?" he prodded.

"Carly's…" she exhaled.

"You've been at Carly's since you bailed on me at Wyndamere last night?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes… I just needed some breathing room… Claudia said some things that got me upset…" she said, walking over to their couch.

"Why didn't you come to me? I'm your fiancé, Lulu… you're supposed to come to me when you're upset…" he said.

"I didn't want to see you! Ok? I just needed to clear my head and talking to Carly helps…" she cried.

"You needed to talk to her about Johnny, didn't you?" he asked flatly.

He wasn't oblivious. Things hadn't been the same since Johnny began to reestablish his presence in her life and he noticed it. She just wanted to forget him all together. She didn't want to hear his name or speak it for that matter. She wanted him to just go away so that she wouldn't have to think about how much she wanted to be with him even though she knew that it would never happen.

"Not everything is about Johnny!" she shrieked.

"Lulu, the man left you at the altar… you told me that you cried yourself to sleep for three months and couldn't even say his name after six months… and now he's back in your life… and I know you Lulu… I know how you act when things start to get difficult… you get really defensive like you are now… I need you to be honest with me… do you have feelings for Johnny?" he asked.

He didn't miss a beat. He recalled what she had told him on the night of Claudia and Nikolas' rehearsal dinner. She remembered going to the Zacchara mansion the morning after the wedding to see guards carrying out multiple suitcases, saying that Mr. Zacchara left the country the night before and they had no idea where he was headed. She remembered crying herself to sleep, wondering what she did so wrong to drive him away. She couldn't do that again, no matter how much her heart yearned for him. This vicious cycle had to end.

"No." Lulu said flatly and she swallowed hard, hoping that he believed the lie.

"You didn't go see him last night?" he asked.

"I was at Carly's last night… she let me crash in her guest room… call her yourself and ask if you don't believe me…" she said.

She knew that Carly would back up her story if Dillon chose to check out her story but she watched Dillon's face soften as he accepted her story about staying at Carly's house the night before. She heard him exhale a deep breath, as if he had been holding it in for the entire conversation, and he put his hands on her shoulders. She couldn't even bear to look at him, knowing the situation she was condemning the two of them to. She knew it was selfish to use him as a way to defend herself but she had no choice and she had worked too hard to put herself back together after Johnny had broke her. Lulu felt Dillon's snake around her waist and she flinched at the gesture. She knew that he was trying to comfort her but that was the last thing that she needed or deserved. She gently withdrew from his arms, shaking her head.

"Now if this interrogation is over, I'd like to take a shower…" she said quietly.

She knew that she didn't have the right to snap at him when he had done nothing wrong. She turned from him and quickly ducked into the bathroom. She stepped out of her shoes, letting her bare feet enjoy the cool tile beneath, and walked towards the shower. Perhaps she would find some much needed clarity in the confines of her bathroom but all she could find were the tears rushing back to her eyes as she turned on the shower. How did she allow things to spin so far out of control? She had a life with Dillon that most people would've protected to the very end and she allowed Johnny to waltz back in and pull her away from it, like it never mattered to her in the first place. She sighed, wiping the tears from her eyes, as she pressed her forehead to the glass door. The sound of the water hitting the floor was loud enough to mask any sounds coming from the bathroom, even if Dillon had pressed his ear against the bathroom door. She slowly peeled off the layers of clothes that she had put on last night and stepped inside of the shower. The water was hot against her skin and slightly stung as she stood directly underneath the showerhead, letting the water soak her hair. Her hands trembled as she reached for the sponge and the soap.

_When you're with Dillon, do you beg for him like you did for me? _

She gasped as Johnny's voice came back to her, soft but powerful. She put her hand over her heart, waiting for both its beat and her breath to slow. She could feel his hands all over her from the night before, marking her and making her his for the rest of their lives. She quickly squeezed a sizeable amount of soap onto her sponge and began scrubbing her skin. She wanted to scrub away the feeling of his hands on her body. She wanted to wash him out of her system. She had to, for her own sanity.

_Does your body cry for him like it did for me? _

Inside she was screaming the word no and she hated herself for it. She didn't want to want him or to love him or to crave him like she did. Her hands worked faster as they pressed the sponge down harder onto her skin until she let out a sharp cry and flung it away from her. This had to be her punishment for what she had done, to be hopelessly in love with a man that had the power to break her. Her sobs took over her body as she sunk down to the floor. The water hit her face over and over again, mixing in with her own tears, as Johnny's words came back to haunt her.

_You love me… I know you do…_

"I do… I do love you, Johnny…" she sobbed.


	10. Glad to be Unhappy

**A/N:** I meant to finish this chapter two days ago when I was on the plane flying back to school but it didn't happen and then I meant to finish it last night but that also didn't happen but it's now finally done! For some reason, this chapter was really hard to find inspiration for… probably because it's mostly set-up for the final five installments! After this chapter, there will be four more chapters plus an epilogue. Craziness :) And after I'm done with this story (plus a small little break from writing), I've already got another story planned and I'm **SUPER** excited for that one… So, happy reading! And keep your lovely comments coming!

* * *

**Chapter 9 – Glad to be Unhappy**

"Where the hell is my brother?"

Johnny couldn't help but to let out a semi-pleased chuckle at the sound of Claudia's very irate voice. He was rather skilled with being able to tell how pissed Claudia was by the sound of her voice and she was pretty peeved by the fact that her brother was being held at the PCPD. He sighed as the footsteps grew closer to the holding room and the door opened, revealing Claudia and one of the cops that had booked him the night before. Claudia growled at the cop to start his release papers and the cop, fully aware of who he was dealing with, obliged her wholeheartedly.

"Why didn't you call me last night when you got arrested? I had to hear it from Nikolas this morning!" Claudia cried.

"It's not a big deal, Claudia…" Johnny muttered as he rose to his feet.

"Of course it's a big deal! I'm your sister! I'm the one who you're supposed to come to!" she yelled, setting down her purse on the metal table.

"I'm not fifteen anymore… I don't need you to come down here to bail me out…" he said, folding his arms across his chest.

"Yeah… that's what Nikolas said… god, I don't even know who to be angrier at… you for beating up Nikolas last night or Nikolas for not telling me about it until this morning…" she growled.

"Be mad at me… I was just having a bad day and I took it out on your husband…" he sighed.

"Well you must've had one hell of a day because he came home sporting a swollen lip and a black eye…" she said in a slightly chastising tone but Johnny let out a small snicker.

"Sorry…" he said, trying to stifle a laugh, and Claudia shook her head.

"Obviously I didn't marry him because he could fight…" she began.

"Good thing…" he chuckled and Claudia threw a sharp glare in his direction.

"Do you want to tell me what happened that caused you to bloody up my husband's face?" she asked quietly.

"Lulu…" he sighed and Claudia rolled his eyes.

"Lulu… why am I **not** surprised? Why do you even bother with her, John? All she does is bring you pain and misery! You deserve so much better than that!" she cried.

"I just—I can't help myself, Claudia… I'm still in love with her…" he groaned as he put his head in his hands.

Claudia put her hands on his shoulders and sighed heavily. He needed to either get thicker skin or learn how to mask his emotions better from his sister because she felt his pain almost as if it were her own. He didn't like to be a burden on her or anyone else for that matter. She had her own life now. She had a husband who, despite his obvious misgivings and personality flaws, truly loved his sister with everything that he had. Johnny wanted to be fair to his sister, by letting her live her own life instead of fretting about his.

"John, what happened? You look even worse than before…" she whispered.

"Lulu came to me the night before last… she was upset… **really upset**. She told me that we couldn't see each other anymore and then we argued… and that's when I blurted the real reason why I left her…" he started.

"Which was?" she implored.

"Michael's shooting…" he sighed, running his hands through his cropped hair.

"John…" she whispered. Her tone was low and apologetic.

"And then I watched her break down in front of me… I—I can only imagine that's how she looked when I left her… and all I wanted to do was to explain… to tell her that it—it wasn't her fault that I left and that not a second went by without me thinking about her and I thought—I thought that she understood…" he lamented.

"What do you mean?" Claudia asked.

"We made love… and it was like we were never apart… everything just fell right back into place… I know—I know that she still loves me, Claudia!" he cried.

"But the next morning, she told you that she didn't love you, didn't she?" she asked and he nodded.

"She went on and on about how nothing had changed between us and that she was still going to marry Dillon… I tried to make her see that this was wrong but—" he started and Claudia groaned.

"This is so typical Lulu! I told her to stop sending you mixed messages… that was probably why she came to the house in the first place… and what does she do? She throws herself at you, John! You know what? After you get out of here, I'm going straight over to that apartment and—" she began fuming but Johnny vehemently shook his head.

"No! You can't, Claudia…" Johnny said firmly.

At that moment, a cop came into the holding room, the keys to Johnny's handcuffs in his fingers. Claudia flashed him a look so cold that it could freeze over hell and he quickly fumbled with the keys in order to release Johnny before making a quick but less than graceful exit from the room. As soon as the door closed behind the frazzled cop, Claudia whirled back around on her brother.

"So what are you going to do? You're just going to sit there and take it while she jerks you around? What about when she gets married, John?" she cried.

"You were right, Claudia… I need to fight for her… I need—I need to know where I stand with her because if there's the slightest chance that Lulu wants me… I need to take it…" he said.

* * *

Claudia wanted to accompany Johnny back to Crimson Pointe but Johnny insisted that he didn't want or need a babysitter. Although she wasn't about to listen to her younger brother, Claudia received a call from Nikolas and begrudgingly left to return to Wyndamere. He walked along the waterfront, watching the boats come and go from the harbor. He inhaled the salt air from the sea and exhaled deeply. His mind was racing, thinking about what his next move was. He knew that Lulu wanted to be with him but the question at hand was how to approach the situation. He didn't want to pursue her relentlessly to the point where she resented him but he knew that he couldn't just wait around and do nothing.

_He couldn't watch her marry Dillon._

Johnny found himself standing in front of Kelly's and he pushed the door open into the small diner. It was predominately deserted since the morning breakfast rush had passed and the lunch crowd hadn't started to filter in yet. Mike greeted him with a fairly cordial hello before disappearing into the back to start on Johnny's order. He sat down at the counter and put his head in his hands, unable to figure out what he was supposed to do. This situation was too precarious and he didn't want to make a single mistake because one wrong move, he could lose Lulu forever.

"Well, well, well… look who it is… John Zacchara…"

Johnny rolled his eyes and turned around, coming face to face with the one person that he _really_ didn't want to see. Dillon Quartermaine began approaching him, taking off his black leather gloves. His voice was taunting and smug, which made Johnny want to vomit or at least give him the same beating that he had given Nikolas the night before.

"Yeah… here I am… you got a problem with me being here?" Johnny drawled.

"Oh, I have **so** many problems with you that I don't know where to start…" Dillon growled and Johnny laughed bitterly.

"Like what? You don't even know me…" Johnny sighed.

"No… I don't really know you… but what I do know is what you did to Lulu and the fact that you want her but she doesn't want you… she never will after what you did to her… so why don't you just take a hint and stay away from my fiancée?" Dillon said.

As the words began to slip from Dillon's mouth, Johnny couldn't help but to smile. Dillon's hubris about the security of his relationship with Lulu was completely laughable, which was what Johnny broke into at the conclusion of Dillon's rant. The man had no idea that Johnny's name had been on Lulu's lips just two nights prior as they made passionate love or that he was the last thing on her mind as she kissed him, carrying the two of them into a dizzying sense of bliss. Johnny shook his head, trying to minimize the chuckle that was erupting in his chest.

"What's so funny?" Dillon asked.

"You and what you **think** you know… you have no idea what's going on through Lulu's mind right now…" Johnny said.

"Well, enlighten me then… what do you know that I don't?" Dillon challenged.

"Lulu doesn't love you… she never has and she never will…" Johnny blurted out.

A gasp, following the chime of the bell that sat atop of the door to Kelly's, made both Dillon and Johnny turn their attention towards the door. Lulu was standing there, with eyes wide open and face ashen white at Johnny's words.

* * *

Lulu held her breath as Dillon whirled around to face her, accusation and doubt filling his irises, as if deep down he knew the truth in Johnny's words. Her heart pounded as Dillon drew near to her, staring her down, waiting for her façade to crack. She prayed that she had enough strength and conviction to keep Dillon on their charted course of matrimony.

"Why does Johnny think that you're not in love with me?" Dillon asked. His voice was low and accusatory.

Lulu looked from her fiancé to the man that she was in love with and then back. Could he see right through her? Could he see the longing in her heart that was tearing her from within, begging to be in Johnny's arms? She quickly looked away from Dillon and approached Johnny swiftly as he sat at the counter. She tried to muster up some sort of emotion, any emotion, other than what she was feeling in order to push him as far away as her arms could reach.

"Don't do this…" she warned.

"I should be saying the same to you…" he hissed.

"Please, Johnny… I'm—I'm making a life with Dillon…" she said, averting his gaze and shifting uncomfortably in her stance.

"So everything that's happened is just supposed to mean nothing?" Johnny cried.

"Nothing happened!" she hissed but it was too late and Dillon had already heard Johnny's admission.

"What happened?" Dillon asked.

Johnny looked at her and she could feel his desire to throw their affair in Dillon's face. She knew that he wanted to let everything out of the bag so that when the dust settled, Dillon would be as far away as possible so that the only other option would be to be with him. Lulu shook her head slightly as Dillon's gaze bore into Johnny's, silently begging him not to say a word about what had transpired between the two of them.

"I kissed her… the night of Claudia and Nikolas' wedding…" Johnny said, never taking his eyes off Lulu.

Lulu winced as the words came out of Johnny's mouth, half relieved that he didn't disclose all of the sordid details about their encounter two days before, the true accounts about how they had almost made love on the night of Claudia and Nikolas' wedding and their kiss in the garden shed. However, the betrayal was still the same to Dillon and he lunged himself at Johnny, striking him across the face. Lulu shrieked and immediately pulled him off Johnny. He struggled in her grasp but she held him firm until he stopped trying to wriggle away with a final huff.

"And I immediately pushed him off me and told him that we were never going to get back together… no matter how much he wanted to… he lost the chance to be with me two years ago and he's never going to have me again…" she said, looking straight at Dillon.

She couldn't even bear to look at Johnny, let alone address him directly. The lies were just creeping up in her throat, threatening to choke her, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to say anything while her eyes were on Johnny. Truthfully, she couldn't even bear to look at him because she knew that all she would see would be pain.

_Pain that she could prevent with three words. _

She shook those thoughts from her mind and placed each of her hands on Dillon's cheeks, framing his slim face in her hands. She could feel her eyes begin to water as she stared up into Dillon's face, hoping that he thought that the tears in her eyes were for him and not for Johnny. He looked down at her and she saw his expression soften slightly as he exhaled deeply.

"I'll be in the car…" Dillon growled.

He gave Johnny a knowing look, making one more attempt to intimidate the man into staying away from Lulu before taking his leave from the restaurant. As soon as Dillon had disappeared around the corner, Lulu turned around and was met with those anguished eyes that she had feared. She knew that her assertion about her feelings for Dillon and how Johnny meant nothing to her would be a crushing blow but she had to do it in order to save her own sanity.

"My god, Johnny! What the hell were you thinking?" she cried, wiping her eyes.

"That you should stop lying to yourself and to him! You love me! Not him!" he roared.

"You can't blow up my life just because you don't like who I'm with! I would never do that to you!" she cried.

"That's because you're the only woman that I want to be with! I can't even so much as look at another woman without noticing that she's not you…" he said, letting his anguish seep into the words.

He turned away from her, a failed attempt to conceal his true anguish from her, and she bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. She really hated hurting him, even though it was all that she seemed to be capable of doing at that moment but she couldn't do this anymore. She had made one mistake and she needed to move on. She couldn't think about how much she loved him or how alive she felt when she was in her arms.

_She wanted to take away all of his pain._

She reached out for him but stopped herself as her hand hovered near his arm. However, her hand recoiled back as if she had just touched something hot. She couldn't do it, no matter how much she wanted to. Even though the lie was painful to take, it was better than dealing with a broken heart later.

"I—I told you… I'm marrying Dillon… I—I lov—" she started but he scoffed.

"Yes, I've heard it before… _I'm marrying Dillon_… _I love Dillon_… god, you're starting to sound like a broken record, Lulu… is that what you have to say to yourself over and over again to make you feel something for that guy?" he asked bitterly.

"I don't have to explain myself to you… you lost the right to have a say in my life when you decided that you weren't good enough for me and left…" she said.

Her hands flew to her mouth, regretting the words that had just slipped out. Johnny closed his eyes slowly, as if he had just been struck across the face. She didn't mean to throw his feelings and all that he had admitted to her on the night that they had made love back in his face. She knew that was a low blow, even for her. Mike emerged from the back with a brown paper bag and a wary smile on his face. Johnny gave him a curt nod as he handed him the money for his order.

"Oh! Lulu… I have that order that you called in right in the back… I'll go and get it for you…" Mike said.

"Thank you, Mike…" she said graciously.

Johnny cleared his throat and picked up his bag as Lulu looked away trying to not show him the tears that she was crying for him. She couldn't let him know how much this was killing her as well because if he knew then he wouldn't give up on pursuing her and she didn't know how much strength she still possessed in order to push him away. She could feel him draw closer to her and his soft breath on her earlobe as he bent in to whisper something in her ear. Her heart was throbbing in her chest at how close he was. It was sheer torture to have him so close without being able to fall into his arms and to forget the world around them even existed.

"This is so wrong and you know it…" he whispered.

Her body was overcome with sobs as he walked away but she managed to not utter a sound. She heard the door open and shut as Johnny took his leave from Kelly's and she sniffed quite audibly and wiped her eyes as fresh tears rolled down her face.

"I know…" she sobbed.

* * *

Dillon, silent during the entire drive back to their apartment building, slammed the door behind him, making Lulu flinch from the sharp crack of the door snapping back into place. He practically ripped off his jacket and tossed onto their couch. His anger was so potent that she could feel it radiating off his skin. She followed him into the kitchen as he went into the fridge to get a beer. She gingerly set down their takeout order from Kelly's and sighed heavily.

"Why don't you just say what's on your mind rather than taking it out on the furniture…" Lulu said meekly.

"Should I just drop you off at Crimson Pointe? Just to get the inevitable out of the way?" Dillon asked bitterly.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You know, just bypass the crap between now and when you're going to leave me for Johnny…" he said.

The floor seemed to disappear beneath her feet. Did he know? Could he see right through her into her heart to see that he wasn't there? Her heart broke upon that realization. This was an impossible situation. How could she even live with herself knowing what she had done to betray him when he had been nothing but good and decent to her? She didn't want to break his heart because he deserved better than that. She needed to be better for him.

"Dillon… how many times do I have to tell you that you're the man that I want to be with?" she cried.

"You know what the funny part about all of this is? Before she moved to Paris with Spinelli, Maxie told me that I was a fool for getting involved with you because of Johnny… she said that he was the 'great love of your life' and if he came back, you would go running back to him in a heartbeat… she said that I didn't have a chance if he came back…" he said.

"Dillon…" she started but he shook his head.

"So now… Johnny's magically back in Port Charles and I'm not blind, Lulu… I see the way you look at him and I even see the way you **don't** look at him… it's all clear as day, Lulu… you have feelings for him…" he said.

The truth always hit her like a ton of bricks. She hated herself for being so transparent. All of her so called attempt to hide her feelings for Johnny had failed miserably because he could see that she had feelings for Johnny. She walked over to him and put her hands on his shoulders, making him look at her.

"What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do to prove to you that you're the man that I want and not Johnny? Tell me what I can do to make you believe me when I say that I love you and I want to marry you!" she cried.

"Marry me tonight." Dillon said.

His request literally took her breath away and it took her a few moments to collect herself in order to form a coherent response.

"What?" she croaked, still in disbelief.

"We'll call off that fancy wedding at the MetroCourt and drive to a justice of the peace and get married tonight…" he said.

"You're—You're not serious, are you?" she asked.

"You asked the question and I gave you an answer… now what's your answer?" he asked, extending his hand out to her.

She closed her eyes, trying to silence the millions of conflicting voices in her head. They were all screaming at her, some saying to marry him so that she could finally have some semblance of normalcy and others saying to refuse because her heart belonged to someone else.

_Regardless of what they said, none of them said anything about her being in love with Dillon._

She had just been pushing the inevitable away from herself, trying not to face the truth. She didn't love him. Not in the way that he loved her and certainly not in the way that made her giddy in anticipation to marry him. Her desire to marry Dillon wasn't out of love but out of fear and desperation. She didn't want to be looked at as the woman who Johnny Zacchara left behind all those years ago. The stigma of being burned so badly had been carried with her every single day after he left. She saw it in other people's eyes as they subtly pointed and whispered to their neighbors about how she **used** to be the fiancée of John Zacchara.

_But no more…_

She sighed and took Dillon's hand in hers. His hands were cold, smaller than Johnny's, but still smooth and soft. He was a good man and he loved her and would be good to her. Not many people even had that in their lifetime. She should've considered herself to be lucky that she had found a man that wanted to give her the world and more if he could.

She could do this.

She **had** to do this.

She would never wonder if Dillon would leave her or if he would hurt her because he didn't have the power to do so. He didn't have the power to hurt her because she was not in love with him. She could live with being married to someone who she was not in love with if she knew that he could never hurt her. She had been battered and bruised enough for one lifetime and as selfish as it was, she couldn't put herself through that again, no matter how it would hurt Johnny. With a sigh, she raised her head to look at him and nodded slowly.

"Ok… we'll get married tonight…" she said.

Dillon's face erupted into a large smile as he took her face in his hands and kissed her softly. She could feel the tears burning in her closed eyes and she shut them tightly so that they couldn't fall. Her lips slightly trembled against his and she hoped that he couldn't feel as her heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces.


	11. Must Get Out

**A/N**: Whew! This chapter is finally done! This was probably one of the hardest chapters that I've ever had to write. For some reason, this chapter didn't come to me as freely as I originally thought it would but it's finally done! I'm not sure if I like how this chapter turned out… I like certain parts and other parts I'm a little iffy about but maybe that's just me being a perfectionist… anyway, enough of my ramblings and happy reading! And as always, don't forget to leave a comment :)

* * *

**Chapter 10 – Must Get Out**

Johnny looked at his phone for about the seventeenth time since he had arrived back at the Zacchara mansion. However, like the previous times that he had checked his phone, there was no change. There were no missed calls or voicemails from Lulu. He let out an irritated groan as he shoved his cell phone back into the pocket of his jeans. He could feel his stomach churning as he paced around the study, carefully listening by the door for any indication that Lulu would come charging through and tell him that she wanted to only be with him and no one else. He wanted to have gotten through to Lulu for once.

But no one ever came.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, he looked up at the antique clock that sat on top of the mantle and sighed at the lack of change in time. The waiting and the nothingness that accompanied it were unbearable. He needed to know something.

Anything.

He walked behind his desk and collapsed into his father's arm chair. Everything was making him anxious, the stillness, the silence… nothing could or would ease his nerves except for a certain blonde that could make the world right again with just an utterance of three words. Hell, she didn't even have to say anything, just as long as she walked into the room and straight into his arms, he would be fine. He would be made whole again.

"Mr. Zacchara…"

He came out of his reverie abruptly and looked up at the guard who was standing in the doorway. He could feel his face fall as he realized that it was not Lulu who was standing before him and he beckoned the man to leave him alone.

"I'm sorry, sir… but it's your sister… she's on line one… should I put her through or should I tell her to call back later?" the guard asked.

"Put her through…" Johnny sighed.

The guard nodded and Johnny picked up the phone. He wasn't in the mood for anymore of his sister's rants about how he should move on with his life and to forget about Lulu and all of the misery and pain that she brought down on Johnny. He was already up to his neck in this but Claudia had been nothing short of supportive and the least he could to was grin and bear it as Claudia went on one of her tirades.

"Yeah, Claudia?" he asked, the exasperation clearly ringing in his voice.

"John…" Claudia whispered.

And that was when he knew something was wrong. Her voice was soft and sad, two things that Claudia's voice never was, regardless of what was going on. The unfamiliarity of the situation made him sit up straight and clutch the phone close to his ear.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"We—We just got a call... from Lulu…" she sighed.

"And?" he pried.

"She and Dillon are going to get married tonight…" she blurted out.

And in that moment, the bottom of Johnny's world disappeared from underneath him.

"W—What? Since when?" he stammered.

"I don't know, John! An hour? Maybe more? They called us from the road…" she explained.

He let out a sharp breath and put his fingertips to his temple. He could feel his eyes start to burn from the tears rushing to his eyes upon hearing that the love of his life was marrying another man. The feeling was like he had been punched in the stomach.

"Wait… you're—you're not thinking about going after her, are you?" Claudia asked.

"No!" he screamed.

His head was spinning and he felt himself sinking down into his father's leather desk chair. He had been turning himself inside out for Lulu for weeks and he had finally pulled the fact that she was still in love with him out of her but it wasn't enough for her. No matter how much he assured her that he wouldn't leave her again and how much he begged her to be with him, she chose to give into that fear and to push him away. Lulu was so determined to push him away that she was going to bind herself to a man that she didn't even love and he couldn't sit back and watch her do it. His heart could only take so much.

"No… I can't do this anymore… I can't continue to twist myself into knots over Lulu when she's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want to be with me…" he sighed.

"But I thought that you said that you were going to fight for her…" she said.

"I know what I said then, Claudia… but now I'm saying that I can't do it anymore…" he said.

"John…" she started.

"I'm going to do what I planned to do before…" he said.

"Which is?" Claudia prodded.

"I'm leaving Port Charles… for good this time…" he whispered.

He closed his eyes as he pictured Lulu and Dillon holding hands in front of a justice of the peace, smiling as they both said their vows. He could feel the envy rise inside of himself, making his skin crawl. The thought of Lulu being someone else's wife made him sick to his stomach. The thought of her pledging her life to another man and then giving herself fully to him made Johnny want to punch a wall. He squeezed the phone receiver in his hand, wanting to crush the object into a thousand pieces. But what could he do? He could track down Lulu at the justice of the peace and try to stop the wedding but what good would that do? He had already tried to make her come to him and by pursuing her, he had only made her run farther and faster away from him. If this was what she wanted, he would give her that. He loved her enough to let her have what she wanted, even if it killed him.

"I'm so sorry, John… I feel that this is all my fault… I was the one who dragged you back here, even after you told me that you didn't want to come back to Port Charles… I wish I could fix this for you…" she sighed.

"I know… and it's not your fault, Claudia… I just made the mistake to allow myself to be near a woman that I could never—never have…" he said as his voice broke.

"Well, I'm going to come by tonight, ok? I'll help you pack…" Claudia said, in an effort to cheer him up.

"Sure… I'll see you then…" he said.

He hung up the phone and sighed heavily. He had no intention of being at the house when Claudia came. Hopefully, he would be sitting on the Zacchara jet, headed back to Milan, where he belonged. His feet felt heavy as he made his way upstairs towards his bedroom. He instructed a nearby guard to inform the other staff members to start closing up the house. He pushed the door open to his bedroom and his eyes fell to his bed. He could feel his lip quiver as he allowed himself to let images of him and Lulu making love on top of that very same bed. He winced as he remembered the delicious torture of being buried inside of her, feeling her fingernails rake across his back and hearing her pant his name over and over again. He shook his head, banishing the painful thoughts from his mind and threw open his drawer. He couldn't torture himself anymore. He had to put her and everything that they had meant to each other behind him. He began to unpack everything from his mahogany drawer and placed them inside of his suitcase, silently wiping the tears that were rolling down his face.

_His suffering would end tonight._

* * *

Lulu watched as the trees flew by her window as she and Dillon sped out of Port Charles. The sun had gone down, immersing the sky in a mixture of pink and violet. Her heart was beating so hard against her chest, thinking about what she was about to do. Most brides would be crying tears of joy on the day of their wedding but Lulu knew that the tears that she was trying to hide from Dillon as he drove were tears of sorrow. Johnny would hate her for sure for marrying Dillon. She knew it would feel like a knife in the stomach to know that she had ran away to marry someone else when all of her other actions told him that she loved him and wanted to be with him.

Frankly, she hated herself for going along with it.

She sighed and pulled her hood over her head, shielding her face from her fiancé so that she could freely let her silent tears roll down her face. She had to let this all out before she committed herself to Dillon. She had to purge Johnny from her entire body.

At least she had to try.

She didn't know if she would ever stop remembering the way his lips felt on her skin or how his hands always found that perfect place on her hips, like the curve was just made for him. She didn't know if she would ever forget the way he whispered her name or the way his body melded with hers when they were in bed together.

She would probably never forget the love of her life.

She felt the car lurch to a stop and Dillon took the keys out of the ignition. She wiped the tears from her eyes and her face before pushing her hood back, revealing her tacked on smile to her fiancé, a smile that wouldn't reveal that she really wanted to run back to Port Charles and into Johnny's arms again.

"Ready?" Dillon asked.

"Of course…" she exhaled.

They both got out of the car and Dillon snaked his arm around her waist. She hoped that he couldn't feel her entire body trembling against his. They walked into the small building and into an even smaller room where a man who looked like he was in his late fifties and wore thin-rimmed glasses was reading a newspaper. He looked up and smiled upon seeing the couple approach them.

"You must be Dillon and Lesley…" the man said.

"Yes, we are… and you must be Judge Beamon…" Dillon said and the judge smiled and nodded.

"Yes… well, I have my assistant here to be a witness if you haven't brought anybody with you but otherwise, shall we get started?" Judge Beamon asked.

Lulu nodded meekly and Judge Beamon gestured to the two of them to stand in the appropriate spot. This was it. This was what she had told Johnny and everybody else that she wanted. She had said that she had put Johnny and the past behind her and was ready to forge a new life with Dillon and she was finally getting what she said that she wanted. Lulu could hear the pounding of her heart in her ears. However, now that she had everything that she said that she wanted, she was anxiously waiting for this ordeal to be over with. She felt Dillon come to her side as the judge began their wedding ceremony.

"Marriage is an honorable estate designed to unite two sympathies and hopes into one… and it rests upon the mutual confidence and devotion of husband and wife…" Judge Beamon began.

She tried to blink back the tears that were welling up in her eyes. Hopefully Dillon and the judge would just mistake her tears for ones of joy about finally marrying the man that she was supposed to be with for the rest of her life.

But she wasn't.

She wasn't marrying the man that she wanted to be with until the day that she died. That man was sitting back at Crimson Pointe, probably heartbroken if Nikolas or Claudia had told him of her plans to elope with Dillon that night. She closed her eyes, trying to picture herself somewhere away from that small room, holding hands with Dillon. She imagined herself in the Lila Quartermaine's rose garden, with the sun beaming down on her. Her hair was pinned up with her mother's hair clips and a crisp white flower was tucked behind her ear. She was wearing that beautiful white dress that she and Carly had picked out from the boutique that was now sitting in a box in her apartment and standing in front of her, holding her hands and a look of pure joy in his eyes, was Johnny.

It was the wedding that she was supposed to have.

"Will you please join your hands?" Judge Beamon asked, smiling brightly at the young couple.

Dillon eagerly took her hands in his and smiled back at Lulu. She managed to put on a smile for him, masking her fear and her apprehension for this ceremony. She knew that the vows were the next part of the ceremony and she had to keep her resolve strong to get through them.

"Dillon, do you take Lesley to be your wedded wife… to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?" Judge Beamon asked.

"I do…" Dillon whispered.

"Lesley, do you take Dillon to be your wedded husband… to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others, be faithful only to him so long as you both shall live?" Judge Beamon asked.

At that moment, all words escaped Lulu. She opened her mouth, trying to say the two simplest words in the English language, but nothing came out. As her voice failed her, her tears spilled over her eyelids and fell down her face. She couldn't do it. She couldn't make that promise because she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep it. If she saw Johnny again, she knew that she wouldn't have the strength to turn away or to deny him. Upon her realization, she began to cry, harder than she had ever cried in front of Dillon.

"I—I can't… I'm s—so sorry, Dillon… I can't…" Lulu sobbed.

"Will you give us a minute, Judge Beamon?" Dillon asked.

Judge Beamon nodded and ducked quickly into the other room, knowing that a large confrontation between the couple was about to erupt. As soon as the door closed behind the judge, Dillon turned back around on Lulu, eyes wide with concern.

"What do you mean you can't? You don't want to get married?" Dillon asked and she shook her head.

"I tried… I tried so hard to want this… to want you and to want to be married to you but I—" she started.

"You don't want me?" he asked, his voice began to crack and tears sprang to his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Dillon… I didn't—I didn't mean for it to sound like that…" she said.

The sadness in his eyes quickly began to dissipate and a new emotion began to rise: anger. She watched as Dillon's mouth clenched and his nostrils flared in rage upon her words. She never wanted to hurt him or to make him upset but she just couldn't lie to herself, or him, any longer and now she had to face the consequences of her deceit. She watched as his hand curled up into a fist at his side and she swallowed hard.

"This is about Johnny, isn't it? You slept with him, didn't you?" he hissed.

"I'm in love with him…" she sobbed. Her voice made it sound like it was the worst thing in the world.

"Did you sleep with him?" he repeated bitterly, as if her previous declaration of love was unimportant.

"Yes…" she whispered.

"It was that night that you didn't come home, wasn't it? The night that you swore to me that you weren't with him?" he asked.

"I'm sorry…" she cried, admitting her guilt.

"And all of the time you were with me, you were still in love with Johnny?" he asked.

"Yes… I tried to ignore it... tried to fight it but I can't do it anymore… marrying you wouldn't make these feelings go away…" she said.

She knew that it was a horrible thing to say but she owed him the truth. It was the least that she could do now. She knew that he would be hurt for a little while but he would be happier in the long run when he found a woman who would love him with her whole heart and who would truly make him happy. Suddenly, Dillon reached into his pocket and tossed her the car keys.

"Go…" he said flatly.

"But—" she started, completely shocked by the gesture, and he shook his head.

"I have no reason to go back to Port Charles… not anymore… I'll call you later to tell you where to ship my stuff… but right now, just go… I can't—I can't even look at you…" he said.

He was turned away from her, trying to not show her how badly he was hurting because of her declaration. She backed away from him, knowing that she had no right to try and explain that this wasn't his fault or any other methods to comfort him. She had done enough damage to him and to Johnny and she just needed to make things right for everyone involved. It wouldn't have been fair to marry Dillon when she didn't love him in the same way that he loved her. She cared about him enough to want him to be happy and she knew that being married to her wouldn't make him happy. She managed to make it to the door but was stopped by a muffled cry that was coming from behind her. She turned around slowly and took in the sight of Dillon hunched over with his face buried in his hands.

"I really am sorry, Dillon…" she whispered.

* * *

The car came to a screeching halt as Lulu pulled into the driveway of Crimson Pointe. As soon as the soles of her shoes hit the ground, she took off in a mad sprint towards the front door. She should've noticed that there were no guards at the gate or at the door as they usually were but she had to get inside. The blood in her veins was coursing through her body at a rapid pace as her heart pounded against her chest with a blazing fury. She repeatedly slammed her fist on the large mahogany wood door, screaming and crying his name over the harsh thunder reverberated throughout the dark sky.

But no one came.

She made her way to the side gate, a way that she had often went through when wanted to avoid being seen by the guards to get to the garden shed. With another sharp crackle of thunder, rain began to pour down onto her but she didn't care. She wiped her face, unable to distinguish the tears from the rainfall that wet her cheeks, and pressed her hand against the glass door to the study. Her hand fell to the cold pewter doorknob and she found that the door pushed free when she turned the knob. The room was dark and still. The desk was covered with a long piece of brown canvas. The lounge where they had almost made love on the night of her brother's wedding was also covered. She strode towards the door to the foyer and her breath caught in her throat. All of the vases with fresh roses from the garden had been removed and the ornate end tables were covered.

The house had been deserted.

"No…" she whispered.

She managed to make it upstairs and pushed the door open to his bedroom. The sheets and the comforter had been removed and replaced with the same brown canvas that cloaked all of the other furniture in the house. It was as if no one had lived in the house for years. Lulu felt her breath come in short spurts as tears sprang to her eyes.

_Johnny was gone._

Her legs felt weak upon her realization and the pain of her knees hitting the floor was only a fraction of the pain that she felt in her heart. She had tried her hardest to push Johnny away and it worked. It worked so well that he ran far away. She felt her body convulse as her sobs took over. The hardwood floors were cool beneath her cheek as she curled up in a ball on the floor. She closed her eyes and thought about lying on the floor of her bedroom at the Quartermaine mansion, clutching that letter that he wrote. She imagined herself as a fluffy ball of white fabric, crumpled and ruined on the floor. Now, she had come full circle. On a day that she thought that she would be married, she was ruined and curled up in a ball on the floor.

Crying for the same man.

"John?"

Her heart broke upon hearing the name of the man that she loved, knowing that he was gone and was probably not coming back. Lulu heard a set of footsteps climb the stairs and draw closer to the bedroom. The door opened and she immediately felt someone's hands come to her shoulders.

"Lulu? Oh my god, are you alright?" Claudia asked, kneeling beside her, and Lulu shook her head.

"He's—He's gone, Claudia… he's gone…" Lulu sobbed.

"What do you mean he's gone?" Claudia asked.

"Johnny…" Lulu exhaled.

Claudia tried to get Lulu to sit up but her body felt too heavy to rise. Her limbs felt like they were filled with lead and frankly she didn't want to lift herself back up. She just wanted to curl up and disappear, shutting the rest of the world out. Lulu closed her eyes as she heard Claudia call Nikolas on her cell phone to come inside and that his sister needed him. She didn't deserve to have anyone help her because this mess was of her own doing. She had made her bed and now she had to lie in it.

"You know that he left because of you…" Claudia spat.

"I kept pushing him away… and now he's not coming back…" Lulu lamented.

"You shouldn't even be here, Lulu! You're supposed to be marrying Dillon right now for godsake!" Claudia hissed.

"I couldn't—I couldn't go through with it… all I kept thinking about was Johnny and the wedding that we were supposed to have and I—I couldn't do it… and I came back to tell him that I didn't want to push him away anymore but I'm—I'm too late…" Lulu sobbed.

Lulu's eyes opened and she saw Claudia's expression soften, almost if she pitied her for her situation. She didn't want or deserve Claudia's sympathy. Claudia's lips parted, as if she were about to say something, when the bedroom door opened again and Lulu recognized her brother's concerned expression.

"Oh my god… what happened? Is she hurt?" Nikolas asked, turning to his wife.

"Let's just get her out of here..." Claudia insisted.

Lulu felt herself being lifted into Nikolas' arms, like he had done on her wedding day two years ago. Johnny was gone and Nikolas was picking her off the ground like he had done. The irony was cruel and she buried her face into his chest and clung to the lapels of his jacket as she sobbed. Though the situations were different, the outcome had turned out the same. He was gone and she was broken. A part of her was angry at herself for allowing herself to feel for Johnny as she did but she loved him so much and so deeply that her anger at herself was minimized. This time, it was her fault. It was her fault that she was emotionally devastated. She allowed Johnny back into her life and her heart and she had made every single mistake in the book and now he was gone. The cold air hit her face as the three of them walked outside towards the car. Nikolas delicately placed her in the backseat of the car, letting her resume her curled up position, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead. She felt the engine of the car come to life as Claudia started up the ignition and Lulu closed her eyes.

Life… love… meaning for existence…

It was all over.

* * *

"I'm so sorry, Lulu…"

The voice that she heard as she roused from her sleep was not the one that she wanted to hear. She would've given anything to hear that sweet deep voice of Johnny's again. He would have nothing to be sorry for. It was her that had made him turn himself into knots with her indecisiveness and her unwillingness to accept his love as being what she wanted. If anything, she was the one who should be on her hands and knees, begging him for forgiveness and for another chance. Her eyes opened and they fell to her brother's hung head as he sat beside her. His hand was holding hers and his fingers were drawing small circles on the top of her hand.

"For what?" she asked and Nikolas seemed to be startled by her voice.

"I'm sorry for a lot of things…" he muttered.

"You don't need to apologize to me, Nikolas… you've been nothing but good and wonderful to me for as long as I can remember…" she whispered and he shook his head.

"No I haven't…" he sighed.

"What do you mean?" she asked, propping herself up.

"I've made a mess of your life…" he said.

"If anyone's made a mess of my life, it's me… I realized that I wanted Johnny all along but I just—I was just too late…" she said softly.

Lulu looked into her brother's eyes and saw an emotion that puzzled her: guilt. The feeling was plastered all over Nikolas' face as he looked right back into his sister's eyes and he quickly looked away. What would Nikolas have to feel guilty for? If anything, he had proven over and over again that he was her rock, her anchor even to help her stay afloat in this riptide of emotions that she was going through. Something was definitely wrong with her brother.

"Lulu, it's my fault that all of this has happened…" he said.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Nikolas took a deep sigh and Lulu knew that whatever he had to say was huge. It wasn't like Nikolas to lie to her. He had never lied to her in her entire life. She scooted closer to him and let out a shaky breath, unsure if she really wanted to hear her brother's confession. She had lost so much in just the past few hours and she didn't know if she wanted to add her brother to that list.

"I was the one who made Johnny leave you at the altar two years ago…"


	12. Scream

**A/N:** Four words: I Hate Writer's Block. That's my excuse for why this chapter is so late. I know it's a lame excuse but I literally couldn't write this chapter. It was like trying to push against a brick wall. But since I'm practically snowed in by the huge snowstorm that hit the east coast, I figured that I would just sit here and crank this chapter out and voila! It's done! I'm not sure if I like it or not but it's done! Happy reading!! And please leave a comment, of course :)

* * *

**Chapter 11 – Scream**

Lulu looked into her brother's eyes, completely dumbfounded by his confession. Did she just hear him correctly? How could this have been possible? Nikolas had been there for her and been on her side ever since she was a little girl. He was the only one who actually hadn't been overtly vocal about his distaste for her relationship with Johnny, stating that it was her choice who she dated and no one else should interfere.

How could he do this to her?

Nikolas reached for her hand and she jerked it away as she shifted her weight so that she moved away from him. His eyes were remorseful but none of that mattered to Lulu. He was the one who had stayed with her for days after Johnny had left, listening to her cry herself to sleep every night, holding her in his arms and repeatedly telling her that everything was going to be alright and that it wasn't her fault that Johnny had left. He had done all of that, knowing that he was the one who had caused it all.

And that was the worst betrayal of all.

He had started this entire chain of events that had led her to this.

"Lulu…" Nikolas started but she shook her head vehemently.

"Don't… don't you _dare_ say that you're sorry!" Lulu shrieked.

She wrenched her arm away from him as he reached out to her. She could feel her throat threaten to close as the weight of her brother's lies began to literally choke her. She couldn't even believe what she was hearing. The one person who swore to always be there for her had betrayed her in the worst possible way. She put her hand over her heart, silently commanding it to slow, and she opened her eyes and stared at her reflection in the mirror.

"He was still lying to you about Michael's shooting! I didn't—I didn't want you to get hurt!" he cried.

"So you put him in an impossible situation? Making me hate him either way he chose? I can't believe you, Nikolas! You were always the one who was on my side! I can't believe that you would do this to me!" she cried.

"But you bounced back! Like I knew that you would! And then Dillon came back into your life and—" he began.

"That wasn't love, Nikolas! I loved what Dillon represented… that chance to fix what was so broken inside of me… something that you helped smash to pieces!" she screamed.

Her anger was scorching through her body, wanting release. She picked up a vase, one that probably cost as much as her salary, and hurled it across the room. The piercing sound of it shattering made Nikolas flinch and she half wished that she had thrown it at him, so that he could physically feel the pain that was tearing her apart inside. She watched Nikolas rise from his seat on the edge of the bed and draw closer to her.

"Would you still have married Johnny if you had known the truth about Michael's shooting?" he asked.

"Yes! Because love allows people to forgive, Nikolas! I would've forgiven him eventually and we would've been together! I would've been married to Johnny right now and you took that from me!" she cried.

Something resembling pity or remorse filled Nikolas' dark irises but it was too late. He had already ruined everything and there was nothing that he could do to change it. There was no magic wand that he could wave and make everything alright again. He had watched her mourn her relationship with Johnny, tearing herself inside-out as she wondered what she did so wrong to make him run away, all the while he knew that he was the one responsible for her unhappiness. Suddenly, the door flew open and Claudia entered the bedroom. She looked down as her red stiletto crunched a fragment of a vase.

"What's going on?" Claudia asked.

"Saint Nikolas over here has decided to appoint himself to be the decider over everyone's lives…" Lulu spat.

"She's upset… I've got it under control…" Nikolas said, trying to assure his wife.

"Stay, Claudia… I think that she needs to hear this… so she can see what kind of man she married…" Lulu said.

"Lulu… this is between you and me…" Nikolas said, half as a warning but half as a plea to not say anything.

She wanted him to suffer as much as she had. She wanted him to cry himself to sleep over losing Claudia like Lulu had done over Johnny. She wanted him to lose the one thing that mattered more to him than anything else in the world because that was what he did to her. He had taken Johnny away from her because he deemed him to be not good enough for her and she was going to do the same. She wanted him to hurt as much as she had.

"Nikolas is the reason why Johnny and I never made it down the aisle two years ago… he was the one who forced Johnny into leaving me at the altar… he held Michael's shooting over his head and made him leave town." Lulu said.

Claudia's head snapped to Nikolas upon Lulu's confession. Her face betrayed not a single emotion, as if she were made from stone. She just stared at Nikolas for what seemed to be an eternity, as if she was reading him, looking for any inkling that there was some merit to her statement. However, Nikolas sighed and looked away from his wife's cold glare.

And that was all the confirmation that she needed.

Claudia let out one small breath, as if she was holding it in for those long moments, and quickly struck Nikolas across the face.

"Claudia…" he sighed, rubbing the place where his wife had struck him.

"I need to have a moment with my husband… **alone**." Claudia said, turning to Lulu.

The malice in Claudia's voice as she said 'husband' was like venom. Johnny was Claudia's only family and the fact that Nikolas was the one who had caused him to be unhappy for the last two years would certainly not sit well with her. Lulu silently nodded and excused herself from the room. As soon as she closed the door behind her, she could hear Claudia's irate screams begin.

"You are such a bastard, Nikolas! You know how much my brother means to me! How could you marry me, knowing that you had ruined his life?" Claudia roared.

"I know…" Nikolas lamented.

"And how could you do that to your own sister? Who you claim to love?" she cried.

"I love my sister… just as much as you love Johnny… I thought that I was protecting her!" Nikolas shouted.

"From Johnny? The man that loves her more than his own life?" Claudia cried.

Lulu ducked into the next room, a small parlor of some kind. She could hear Claudia yelling at Nikolas and he returning her angry barbs with apologies and overtures about how much he loved her. She sat in a nearby armchair and closed her eyes. Her thoughts drifted back to that day two years ago, as they often did in the recent weeks. She could see Nikolas standing over Johnny, watching him write that letter that would break her heart. She thought about how Nikolas held her for hours, comforting and consoling her when her entire world had just vanished before her very eyes, all the while he knew that he was the one who caused it.

The very thought of it made her sick to her stomach.

She was roused from her daydreams by the sharp crack of a door being slammed. She sat up and her ears piped up, trying to pick up any inkling of a sound. The door to the parlor slowly creaked open and Nikolas walked in. Gone was the cocky and arrogant demeanor that he usually carried himself with. His eyes were red and the area surrounding them was damp from tears. He looked into his sister's unforgiving glare and quickly sat down across the room, slumping into the chair, completely defeated.

"Claudia said that she needs some space… to figure out if she still wants to be married to me… but I'm not stupid… she's left me…" he whispered.

"Do you blame her?" Lulu asked and he shook his head.

"No… it's—it's what I deserve for all of the secrets that I kept…" he said.

For a brief moment, she felt sorry for him. He had finally gotten his happy ending with Claudia and a marriage but Lulu had just ruined it all for him in one minute. But he was right, it was what he deserved for all of the secrets that he kept and the lies that he told. It was like that old saying about reaping what you sow. He had ruined her life and now he had to live with that choice and the wreckage that used to be his life. Lulu slowly rose to her feet and walked across the room. As her hand touched the cold metal knob, Nikolas' hand reached out and grasped hers.

"You're leaving me too?" he asked, looking up at his sister and she could see in his eyes that he was desperately trying to hold onto something so that he wouldn't be alone.

"Would you blame me if I did?" she asked.

One tear slid down her brother's face and he shook his head. He gently released her hand from his grip and lowered his head in defeat. She turned the handle of the door and she heard his soft sobs fill the room.

"I didn't think so either…" she said.

* * *

"Good evening, Mr. Zacchara…"

Johnny gave his driver a meek smile and a slight nod of acknowledgement as the driver opened the door for him. His skin prickled as the cold night air brushed over him as he stood outside on the tarmac. He could see the main arrivals area in the distance away from the area where passengers on private planes disembarked where he stood. He saw the families hugging and kissing and he felt his insides go numb. He had been hurting so much and for so long that he no longer felt any pain inside of him but rather just an emptiness where his heart should've been. He watched as fathers reunited with their families, scooping their small children into their arms and kissing their wives.

That's all that he wanted in this world.

Lulu's bright face was the one that he wanted to see when he stepped off a plane at the airport, with a child that was just the perfect combination of the two of them in her arms. He never thought he'd ever want a family after seeing his own implode before his very eyes but all of that had changed when he fell in love with Lulu. He thought about the life that they would have, watching their kids grow up, piano recitals, graduations and weddings.

He wanted it all with her.

He sighed heavily and climbed into the sleek town car, silently waiting as the driver loaded his luggage into the trunk. The car roared to life underneath him and he closed his eyes, wondering when this pain would start to ebb. He had been in pieces for two years and now with this emotionally devastating trip back to Port Charles behind him, he wondered if he could ever be put back together again. He knew that he would never allow himself to fall in love again even though he knew that he probably lacked the capacity to do so. He had already had his one chance at real love and he messed it up long ago.

There was no coming back from this.

Suddenly, he felt his cell phone vibrate and he fished it out of his jacket pocket. Looking down at the illuminated screen, he saw that it was Claudia. He pushed the button labeled "Ignore" and shoved it back into his pocket. He was not in the mood for one of Claudia's calls or anyone's calls for that matter. He wanted to be undisturbed as he mourned his irreparable relationship with Lulu. He even gave his staff strict instructions to not reveal to anyone where he was until he said it was ok.

"Mr. Zacchara?"

Johnny looked up at the open partition to his driver.

"Yes?" Johnny asked.

"We have arrived at the villa…" the driver said.

"Oh, thank you…" Johnny muttered.

He stepped out of the limousine and sighed as he took in the sight of the spacious Zacchara villa. He put the strap to his laptop bag around his shoulder and headed towards the house. The villa was both his haven and his prison. He could get away from all the pain that plagued him in Port Charles but being there just made the fact that he wasn't with Lulu so much more abundantly clear.

"Where shall I put your bags, Mr. Zacchara?" one of the guards asked.

"Just leave them here for now, Marco." Johnny said.

Marco nodded politely and set down the bags near the staircase. Johnny shrugged off his laptop bag and set it beside the rest of his luggage and headed up the marble staircase. Nothing inside of the villa had changed since he had left weeks prior. Every detail down to every single flower in every single vase looked exactly how he left it. He pushed open the double doors to the master bedroom and sighed upon looking into his dark and desolate bedroom. As he closed the door behind him, he felt his phone start ringing in his pocket. He looked down at the caller ID and saw his sister's name and number appear and he groaned. He didn't want to talk to anybody, least of all Claudia.

"Damn it, Claudia… I'm not in the mood…" he hissed.

He wasn't in the mood to talk to Claudia because he knew what she had to say. He knew that she was calling him to tell him that Lulu had finally married Dillon and he wasn't ready to face that. In the back of his mind, he knew that it wouldn't help to put off facing the inevitable but just for a few days at least. His heart had been battered enough in the past weeks to last him a lifetime and surely no one would hold it against him for wanting a few days to recover from it. He sat down on the edge of his bed and pressed his forehead against one of the posts. He thought that it would be easier to get away from everything that reminded him of Lulu but he just became more aware of the fact that he didn't have her.

She belonged to someone else now.

The bottle of grappa that was sitting on credenza was staring at him. He closed his eyes, trying to will himself not to pour himself a glass, but all he could see was Lulu draped over Dillon. His hands were all over her and her lips gently caressed his skin. The light from her newly acquired wedding band glimmered in the light, as if it was taunting Johnny. He opened his eyes and lunged for the bottle of alcohol. Grappa had been his one solace when he had came to the villa after leaving Lulu at the altar. But this he would never recover from. In a way, he liked it better when he didn't know what she was doing or who she was with because it gave him a small sliver of hope. He could still hope and wish that she would come back to him but now she was someone else's wife. She would never be his again. He quickly hurled the cell phone in his hand the mirror above the credenza, shattering it into a million pieces. He could hear footsteps climbing the stairs outside of his door, most likely one of the guards coming to check to see what the sound was.

"Excuse me, Mr. Zacchara… but is everything alright in here?" Marco asked through the door.

"I'm fine…" Johnny said, as he poured himself a glass of grappa.

A small band-aid on a gaping wound.

* * *

Lulu sighed as she closed the door behind her. The plush interior of the suite at the MetroCourt hadn't changed since she had last been a hotel guest. The staff knew exactly who she was she walked into the lobby and asked for a room and gave her one of the largest suites in the entire hotel. It was probably the only semi-bright spot in her day so far. She tossed her purse aside and it landed on an armchair as she walked towards the window. The storm had let up and the streets below her glistened as the light from the streetlamps bounced off the slick pavement.

"Lulu?"

She turned around and saw Carly standing in the doorway. She had been so distracted that she hadn't heard Carly knock. Lulu smiled weakly at her cousin and beckoned her to come inside. In one swift motion, Carly strode to Lulu and took her in her arms. Lulu exhaled deeply, letting a sob escape her chest as she too wrapped her arms around Carly. The hotel manager must've notified Carly that she had checked in and Carly knew that there must've been something wrong in order for her to book a room at the MetroCourt.

"What happened?" Carly asked.

"What hasn't happened?" Lulu sighed.

"Well, I just got off the phone with Nikolas…" Carly started.

Lulu rolled her eyes and walked towards the window. Of course Nikolas called Carly. Where was his brotherly concern when he decided to take a steamroller to her life? He clearly showed no concern for her wellbeing when she forced the man that she loved out of her life.

"Really?" Lulu asked dryly.

"He sounded concerned… he said that you left Wyndamere very upset…" Carly said and Lulu rolled her eyes.

"Well, did my _wonderful_ brother tell you why I was so upset?" Lulu spat.

"It sounds like you want to tell me…" Carly said.

Carly took Lulu's hand and they both sat down on the bed. Lulu took a deep sigh, knowing that she owed her cousin an explanation for her vicious attitude towards her brother. Carly's hand gently stroked Lulu's blond curls and she could feel that she was deeply concerned about her, probably the only one who truly was instead of faking it for two years like Nikolas had.

"Dillon and I were going to drive up to a justice of the peace and get married… he asked me to forget the big fancy wedding and just elope with him and I agreed…" Lulu started.

"Why?" Carly asked.

"Because I needed to prove something to him… or to myself, I guess." Lulu said.

"Because of Johnny?" Carly asked.

"But Johnny was right… he said that I would never feel for Dillon what I felt for him and I realized that when I was standing at that damn altar and I just—I couldn't go through with it…" Lulu stammered.

She looked away as her voice broke. How could she have been so blind? How could she not see what was staring her right in the face? She loved Johnny and she never stopped. Even when it went against her common sense and even though she knew it was wrong for her to still want him after he had abandoned her, she still loved him.

But now it was too late.

His persistence could only hold out for so long. She knew that she had hurt him, probably more than anyone else in his life with her constant mixed signals. She had one hand pulling him closer while the other was pushing him away and it wasn't fair. What she did to him wasn't fair and she knew that she didn't deserve another chance with him and she knew that no one had the tolerance to put up with being jerked around like she had done. She knew all of this.

But it didn't make his departure any less painful.

"Johnny left, didn't he?" Carly asked quietly.

"I went to Crimson Pointe and it was closed up… there was no one there… I drove him away, Carly! I drove him—" Lulu screamed.

Carly threw her arms around Lulu as she dissolved into those ever present tears. Lulu buried her face into Carly's burgundy sweater and sobbed. Maybe this was her punishment for treating Johnny in the way that she did. She deserved to lose him for all that she put him through.

"I'm so sorry, Lu…" Carly whispered.

"And this is all Nikolas' fault!" Lulu cried.

"I don't see how he figures into this situation…" Carly said and Lulu shook her head.

"Nikolas used Michael's shooting to get Johnny to leave me at the altar." Lulu said.

"What?" Carly gasped.

"Yeah… so that's why I left Wyndamere and came here… I hope you can give me a monthly rate because I plan to be here for awhile… just until I can find another place to stay…" Lulu sighed.

"You can stay here as long as you need to but you're—you're not going to go after Johnny?" Carly asked but Lulu just shook her head.

"It's too late, Carly… I called the airport and the Zacchara jet left and the pilot didn't give a destination… Johnny obviously doesn't want me to find him." Lulu lamented.

"And that's going to stop you?" Carly asked.

"What do you mean?" Lulu asked.

"If you want Johnny like you say you do, then you need to figure out a way for him to hear you." Carly said.

Lulu looked up at Carly and a small smile curved across her lips. She had come up with every conceivable reason why she deserved to lose Johnny but she hadn't even considered the reasons why they belonged together. And there were plenty of them. After all of this time apart, she and Johnny still loved each other and it literally destroyed the both of them to be apart. She knew that there was no one else in this world that would ever love her in the same way that Johnny loved her and she was sure that there would be no one else that would love him with the kind of passion that she did.

He was her whole life… and she was his.

How could she just resign herself to a life without him? She fought to push him away when she thought that he would just hurt her again but now she needed to fight with that same strength to get him back. She needed to show him that she wanted him and only him for the rest of her life.

"I'll leave you to think about that…" Carly said, rising to her feet.

"Thanks, Carly… for everything." Lulu said, accompanying her cousin to the door.

"But before I do… consider forgiving Nikolas too…" Carly said.

Lulu wasn't prepared for that. After everything that he had done to ruin her relationship with Johnny, how could she even consider forgiving Nikolas? Surely this had to be some sort of gag that Carly was playing on her.

"You must be joking… Carly, how can I forgive Nikolas? He's the one who's made this entire situation!" Lulu cried.

"Yes… but he is your brother, Lulu… and even if what he did was horrible and completely misguided, it wasn't out of malice." Carly explained.

"It doesn't matter what his motives were… he decided that I wasn't capable of making my own choices and cut Johnny out of my life without my knowledge or consent! I can't just magically forgive him for that…" Lulu said.

"And I don't expect you to magically forgive him… but I would hope that you would at least think about it…" Carly reasoned.

Lulu sighed and shook her head. She knew that Carly was just looking out for her and she was grateful for someone actually on her side without having some sort of hidden agenda but she couldn't even hear Nikolas' name without gritting her teeth. Thinking about her brother and his betrayal made her seethe with rage and she definitely needed time to try and work through that. However, even if she did work through it, it wouldn't be right to just excuse what he had done.

"I know that you mean well… I really do… but I just—I don't know if I can ever forgive Nikolas for what he's done…" Lulu said.


	13. Back at Your Door

**A/N**: This chapter is **SO** incredibly late, I know… I've just been super busy with school and then I had writer's block like nothing that I've ever experienced before. Wow, so this is the last chapter (story-wise, of course) of Broken Vow! I'd been going back and forth with the ending of this story and I finally decided to merge the last two chapters into this installment and I think that it works better this way and another plus (for you guys) is that this chapter is **MASSIVE** :) So, after this chapter is the epilogue which ties up some loose ends and puts the proverbial bow on top :) Happy reading and don't forget to leave a comment!!

* * *

**Chapter 12 – Back at Your Door**

Sleep eluded Johnny that night.

When he closed his eyes, all he could see was the life that he should've had with Lulu, tormenting him. So he opted to stay awake because at least he wouldn't want to launch himself off his balcony in agony of what wouldn't and couldn't happen. He watched the fan above his head spin slowly until the sun broke on the horizon, coloring the sky with brilliant orange and pinks. With a long sigh, he threw back his covers and rolled out of bed. The staff had come in sometime during dinner the night before and cleaned up the broken shards of the mirror that he broke and replaced it with another antique mirror that he would undoubtedly smash to bits again when he thought of another man holding the woman that he loved.

It would just be the same vicious cycle.

He shrugged on his silk robe and headed downstairs. It was slightly comforting to have the same routine that he had in place before he went to Port Charles. Any sense of normalcy or stability was greatly welcomed. The cook had already assembled an elaborate breakfast spread for him with all of Johnny's favorites: sliced fruit, freshly baked rolls with different types of jam, and a piping hot cup of coffee. He took his seat at the head of the expansive dining table and picked up the newspaper next to his plate and unfolded it.

"Mr. Zacchara?"

Johnny looked up from his reading material at one of the guards who was clutching a cordless phone in his hand.

"Who is it?" Johnny asked.

"It is your sister, Miss Claudia…" the guard replied, holding out the phone to him.

Johnny let out an exasperated sigh and took the phone. Whoever answered the phone clearly didn't do their job since they weren't supposed to give any inkling to anybody about his whereabouts. However, Claudia was very skilled in intimidating people so he couldn't be too harsh on whoever let it slip that Johnny had arrived the night before.

"Yes, Claudia?" Johnny groaned.

"If you weren't in Milan right now, I'd smack you right now!" Claudia screeched.

"Well, good thing I'm in Milan but what did I do to invoke such a violent action?" he drawled, reaching over to grab a large roll from the basket in front of him.

"How could you not tell me that Nikolas held Michael Corinthos' shooting over your head?" she cried and Johnny sighed heavily as he pictured Claudia tapping her foot impatiently as she waited for an answer.

"What would you have done, Claudia? If you had known that Nikolas was the real reason why I didn't marry Lulu, what would you have done?" he asked, spearing a slice of cantaloupe with his fork.

"I wouldn't have married the guy in the first place and then—" she started.

"And then you would've been just as miserable as me." Johnny cut in.

He heard her sigh heavily on the other side of the line, acknowledging the truth in her brother's words. The last thing that he wanted was to have Claudia feel the same kind of pain and regret that was plaguing Johnny's mind at that moment. He wouldn't wish the torment that he was going through on his worst enemy.

"Claudia, listen to me… I have seen you unhappy for most of my life and when I heard that you had gotten together with Nikolas, I wasn't happy but I saw how happy you were and I didn't—I just didn't want to ruin that for you…" he said.

"Well, Nikolas managed to ruin us all on his own when he decided to lie to me about what he did to you…" she said.

"Claudia…" he warned.

"But forget, Nikolas… we're not going to talk about him… what I need you to do is to tell Marco to set up the bedroom in the east wing for me because I'm coming over on a commercial flight tomorrow morning." Claudia prattled off and Johnny shook his head.

"Absolutely not…" he said before popping another slice of fruit into his mouth.

"What? Why not? I can basically handle the divorce or annulment over the phone with a lawyer in Port Charles and then—" she started.

"You're **not** divorcing Nikolas, Claudia…" he said.

"And why not?" she asked.

"Because you still love him! You can be mad at Nikolas for as long as you think it's necessary to do so but you need to forgive him…" he said.

"How can you, of all people, tell me to forgive Nikolas?" she asked.

He had wasted so much time being angry at himself and at other people for his situation with Lulu. It was always someone else's fault, either Nikolas was the one that had started this whole mess or it was Dillon that was in the way when neither of those mattered. The truth was he should've fought for Lulu like he always had. He had wasted so much time not fighting for her when he could've and she would've been with him right now. She would be sitting across the table from him, laughing as he hand-fed her strawberries. But he had just given up, letting the one thing that he wanted more than anything else in the world to be pulled from his grasp.

"I walked away from Lulu, thinking that it was the right thing to do, and I've regretted it every single day since… and I don't want you to go through the agony that I went through, Claudia…" he said.

There was a long pause between the siblings. Johnny could feel that his words resonated with Claudia, as if she was contemplating what he had just said. She had to know that he didn't tell her about Nikolas' involvement in the whole ordeal because he knew how much she loved him and how devastated she would've been if she found out about it.

"I hate you sometimes…" she sighed and Johnny managed to chuckle.

"Only when you know that I'm right…" he laughed.

"Speaking of Lulu…" she started.

"Don't, Claudia… just don't…" he whispered.

The last thing that he wanted was to hear about Lulu's marriage to Dillon. He would rather be the target of a firing squad than to hear the words that the woman that he loved was someone else's wife. The thought of it made him nauseous. Picturing Dillon's hands all over her, whispering in her ear, and hearing her tell him how much she loved him was like being punched in the stomach repeatedly.

"But John… _she didn't marry Dillon_." Claudia said.

But that was something that he didn't expect to hear.

"What?" he managed to squeak out.

"That's why I was trying to tell you last night but you wouldn't answer your phone!" she cried.

"Lulu didn't—she didn't marry Dillon?" he asked, still in disbelief about what his sister had admitted.

"No, she didn't, John…" she reiterated.

"I—I have to go…" he stammered.

His hands were shaking as he hung up the receiver. His mind was in a blur, trying to comprehend what his sister had just told him. Lulu hadn't married Dillon like he thought that she did. His breath quickly became shallower as Claudia's words echoed in his mind. He looked down at his plate and shoved it aside, letting a few of its contents fall to the floor. How could he even think about eating at a time like this?

_She didn't marry Dillon._

That changed everything.

* * *

"Delivery for you, Ms. Spencer!"

Setting down her magazine, Lulu went to the door of her suite at the MetroCourt. She pressed her fingertips to her temple as she opened the door. She was greeted with five large moving boxes and two three smiling members of the concierge. She let the three men inside and thanked them for delivering the rest of her stuff from the apartment. Turning around to face her boxes, Lulu sighed heavily.

Back to square one.

Perhaps she would call Carly in the morning to help her find a new apartment because she couldn't afford to live in the one that she and Dillon shared on her pay from Crimson. Of course Carly would insist that she could stay at the MetroCourt for as long as she wanted or needed but she needed to stop depending on others and start making her own way in the world. She took one of the lighter boxes, most likely filled with clothing, and she broke the seal on top. Once she pulled back the flaps on the brown box, she gasped.

It was her wedding dress.

The very same one that she had packed away, hopeful that she would never see it again. She took out the garment bag and unzipped it slowly, revealing the dress. It was still as beautiful as she remembered. It wasn't gilded like all of those wedding dresses that she saw in the bridal magazines that Dillon bought her in preparation for their wedding but it was simple and beautiful. Her mind began losing itself in those positive memories that she had in that dress, twirling around in her bedroom, anxiously anticipating the moment when she would become Mrs. John Zacchara.

"Lulu! Open up! I need to talk to you!"

Lulu jolted out of her daydreams, failing to hear the knocking from the other side of the door. Setting the dress down on her bed, she went to the door and opened it, revealing her possibly soon to be ex sister-in-law.

"I found Johnny…" Claudia said and Lulu's eyes widened.

"You found him? Where?" Lulu asked.

"He's in Milan… at the villa…" Claudia said.

Claudia strode into the room and Lulu whirled around on her. Did she just hear her correctly? Claudia actually knew where Johnny was? Lulu let out a sigh of relief, as if her prayers had been answered, and went to her sister-in-law beseechingly.

"Claudia… please, will you take me to the airport? I've never asked you for anything and if you do this for me, I will never ask you for anything ever again." Lulu begged.

She was desperate. Lulu knew that Johnny was in Milan, completely broken and emotionally devastated and she was the only one who could fix it. She wanted to fly to be with him and to tell him that he was right about everything. She wanted to feel his arms envelop her and hold her close as if she was the most precious thing in the world to him. She needed to be with him and Claudia knew it. She could see the pity in Claudia's eyes as she looked at her.

"I'm going to Milan to be with Johnny anyway so I'll take you to the villa myself… but under one condition." Claudia insisted.

"What?" Lulu asked.

"You have to talk to Nikolas before you leave…" Claudia said.

Lulu rolled her eyes and huffed. Her brother was the one who had brought this mess upon her and Johnny in the first place. There was no way that she was going to listen to anything that he had to say and Claudia should've been the last person to stick up for Nikolas.

"Why should I have to hear what he has to say? And why are you advocating for him?" Lulu asked, folding her arms across her waist.

"Regardless of what he's done, Nikolas loves you… you're his little sister. I'm not asking you to forgive him on the spot… but just talk to him, Lulu." Claudia said.

"Nikolas loves you too, Claudia… you two planned a life together… you, Nikolas and Spencer were going to be a family…" Lulu said.

Claudia folded her arms across her chest and pouted, irritated that Lulu would bring up her own situation regarding Nikolas. However, if she was going to make Lulu talk to Nikolas, there was no reason for Claudia not to do the same.

"What's your point?" Claudia asked.

"If you're making me talk to Nikolas, you have to as well…" Lulu said and Claudia let out an exasperated sigh.

"No wonder you and Johnny work… you're both so incredibly stubborn. Come on, let's go…" Claudia grumbled.

* * *

"Oh! Miss Claudia! You're back! I'm so glad to see you! And you brought along Miss Lulu as well!"

Alfred was uncharacteristically ecstatic to see the two women and he quickly ushered them inside. Wyndamere looked even gloomier than usual. Perhaps it reflected the state of mind of its owner. Most of the large windows were covered with the thick drapes, causing the hallways to require the dim lights from the chandeliers above their heads.

"Is he here?" Claudia asked and the butler nodded somberly.

"He hasn't left the house since you left…" he said.

Lulu looked at Claudia and she could see that she was distraught at the prospect of her husband hurting. No matter how angry Claudia was at Nikolas, she still loved that man so much and it still hurt her to see or hear that he was hurting. Claudia's eyes met Lulu's and she quickly tried to cover up her concern and plaster a look of indifference on her face.

"Where is he?" Lulu asked.

"He just put Spencer down for a nap so he may be in the study, catching up on some work." Alfred replied.

Lulu thanked Alfred before taking off down the long corridor. Claudia was behind her as they walked right into the study. Just as Alfred had said, Nikolas was sitting at his desk, pouring over paperwork from Cassadine Industries. He looked up from his desk and his eyes widened at the sight of the two women that he had betrayed.

"Well, this is a surprise…" he exhaled, rising to his feet.

"Is this a bad time?" Claudia asked and Nikolas vehemently shook his head.

"No! Of course not… you don't need an excuse to come see me, Claudia… same goes for you too, Lulu…" he insisted.

He pushed his chair back and began to walk towards the two of them. He hesitated for a moment, coming towards them apprehensively, not knowing when to stop because the last thing that he wanted to do was to scare them off. He was clearly not expecting to see either of them and he didn't want to screw his chances up for a reconciliation.

"I can't—I can't stay for long, Nikolas…" Lulu started.

"I understand…" he said, nodding.

"I just—I just needed to clear the air between us… before I left." Lulu said.

"Of course… you can—you can tell me anything, Lulu…" he said.

She swallowed hard as she thought about what she needed to say to her brother. There were so many things that she needed to tell him. He needed to know how his choices completely derailed his entire life and how he had no right to do so. She was angry and sad and confused. A part of her still couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that her own brother, the brother that would give his life for her, had done something to destroy her own life.

"What you did was inexcusable…" Lulu started.

"And completely unforgivable…" Claudia interjected.

"I never **ever** meant to hurt you… either of you… Claudia, you're—you're the love of my life. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I know that I've lied and kept secrets in the past but never once did I lie about how much I love you and how much I need you in my life." he said.

Lulu saw the tears form in Claudia's eyes at his overture. The love that Nikolas had for Claudia was evident in the emotional tone in his voice and in his eyes. It was as clear as day how much he loved her. He reached out and threaded his fingers through the ends of Claudia's hair and she closed her eyes at his touch. He was definitely getting to Claudia. Nikolas then turned around to face Lulu and sighed heavily.

"Lulu, you're my sister… my only sister and I love you. All I want for you is to be happy and at the time, I thought that I was protecting you but I now know that I was wrong to keep you and Johnny apart… and I'll say that I'm sorry for as long as it takes for you to believe me…" Nikolas said.

"I know that you're sorry… I'm just—I just can't forget what you've done, Nikolas." Lulu said.

"I know and I don't expect you to… but you did tell me that love allows people to forgive so whenever you do decide to forgive me, I'll be right here, waiting…" he said.

He seemed to be sincere and willing to give her the time and the space that she needed in order to forgive him. Even though she was furious with him for what he had done to break her and Johnny up, he was still her brother and that would never change. But there was a more pressing matter at hand and he was sitting on the other side of the world.

"I have to go… Johnny's in Milan and I have to go and see him." Lulu said, softly.

"You can take the jet if you'd like… I was planning on taking Spencer to France to visit mom and to give you and Claudia some space but we can take a commercial flight." Nikolas offered.

"Thank you, Nikolas…" Lulu said appreciatively.

Nikolas gave her a small smile and she turned to walk out the door. She had to get to the airport as fast as she could. However, she looked back and saw that Claudia was not following her to the door. She was standing in between Lulu and Nikolas, with her eyes transfixed on her husband, clearly conflicted about her next move.

"Are you coming?" Lulu asked and Claudia, with tears in her eyes, shook her head.

"Give John my best, ok? I—I need to stay here for now…" Claudia said, wiping her eyes.

Lulu nodded and turned around to walk out the door. As she closed the door, she saw Nikolas and Claudia standing close. Her hands were in his and they were talking in hushed voices. She could hear him repeatedly say the words "I'm sorry" over and over again as his voice broke. Instead of shoving him away like Lulu thought that Claudia would, she enveloped him in her arms, gently stroking his dark hair and whispering that they were going to be ok. Lulu felt something inside of her chest warm at the sight of these two people who truly loved each other reconcile. He was truly sorry and she was willing to forgive.

Maybe there was a chance for Johnny to hear her after all.

* * *

She didn't marry Dillon.

Claudia's words echoed in Johnny's head. It consumed him for the rest of the day and kept him awake that night. The cynical side of him didn't want him to hope for too much. Just because she didn't marry Dillon that night didn't mean that she wasn't still planning on it. Perhaps she had just decided that the elopement was just too drastic.

_But he couldn't help but to hope._

He stared at his half unpacked suitcase, contemplating his next move. A part of him wanted to get on the next flight to Port Charles and see Lulu to figure out where they stood but he had been burned so many times and he knew that one more heartbreak would be the end of him. He groaned and put his head in his hands.

He was truly at a loss.

He was snapped back to life by the sound of his phone starting to ring. Looking down at the small screen, he saw a picture of Claudia, indicating that his sister was calling him. He sighed and pressed his phone up to his ear.

"Yes, Claudia?" he asked.

"You'll be happy to know that I took your advice and made up with Nikolas…" Claudia whispered.

"That's good… but why are you whispering?" he asked.

"Because Nikolas is asleep right next to me…" she giggled and Johnny grimaced.

"Ugh, Claudia… too much information!" he said.

He didn't need to hear the details of his sister's romantic entanglements or her sexual exploits but as long as Claudia was happy, then he was happy. No one deserved it more than Claudia. She had been through so much that it just seemed to be unfair to subject her to even more pain by tearing her and Nikolas apart out of spite.

"Ok, fine… I'll stop… I was just calling to check up on you… it's what sisters do…" she said.

"Thanks… I appreciate the call…" he sighed.

"You sound horrible… is everything ok?" she asked.

"I've just been thinking…" he started.

"About Lulu?" she asked.

He chuckled slightly. She didn't miss a beat.

"Yeah…" he breathed.

"She's not already there?" she asked.

Johnny's brow furrowed. What did she mean by that? Was Lulu supposed to be in Milan? A small part of his heart soared at the idea of Lulu coming to Milan to be with him but he couldn't allow himself to get his hopes up. Just because she had called off the wedding to Dillon didn't mean that she was automatically going to come and be with him.

"What're you talking about?" he asked.

At that moment, he heard the faint rumble of a car engine outside. With the phone still pressed to his ear, he opened the French doors that looked over the front courtyard. A black town car had pulled up to towards the front door and his heart stopped as he saw Lulu climbing out of the car.

She had chosen him.

After all that has happened, she had chosen him.

"Claudia, let—let me call you back…" he stammered.

He didn't even give Claudia a chance to say goodbye because he hung up so fast. He tore out of the room, discarding the handset on his bed. His heart began to race with every single step that he took. He nearly ran over two guards as he ran across the foyer and he threw open the front door. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears and he could feel the tears springing to his eyes. The small suitcase in her hand fell to the ground and she ran to him. He caught her as she flung herself into his arms, holding her so close that he could feel her heart beating as fast as his own.

If this was a dream, he wanted to sleep forever if he could just continue to hold her like this.

They didn't even need to say a single word to each other. Everything that could be said with words, they said with their eyes and with their hands.

With every tear that fell from her eyes, she said, "I'm sorry."

When he pressed his forehead to hers, he said, "I forgive you."

He had waited his whole life for this moment. He had waited for her to come back to him and she had. She pulled his lips down on hers and he responded eagerly. He scooped her up into his arms and the feeling of her in his arms drove his senses mad and he practically kicked the door to his bedroom in. She was never going to leave him again because he wouldn't let her. For as long as he could remember, he had always said that he never needed anyone. He was content on his own because that's how it had always been. But now, as he looked down at this beautiful blond that was in his arms, he knew that he had been so wrong. He needed her like his lungs needed air because that's what she was. She was the one thing that kept him alive, physically and emotionally. Without her, he was completely lost. As soon as he set her down, she began to peel his clothes off and she did the same, leaving a trail of kisses in her wake. And when he finally entered her, she cried out his name and clung to him like a lifeline. Their lovemaking was everything that they were. Passion mixed pain but underneath it all was a true and abiding love that they both knew had always been there and being with each other that day was acknowledging something much bigger.

This was it.

This was forever.

* * *

"Are you awake?"

Lulu smiled as Johnny pressed his lips to her forehead. His fingertips were gently threading through tendrils of her blond hair, brushing them out of her face. She could feel the love that was in his heart emanating from every single touch that he left on her body and every word that he softly whispered. It was his love that made her whole again.

And to think that she almost gave this all up.

"I'm awake…" she whispered, tracing the outline of his lips with her index finger.

"I never thought I would get to do this again…" he murmured.

"What?" she asked.

"Hold you…" he said, tilting her chin upward with his fingertips.

His arms tightened around her, pulling her closer to him. She could feel his apprehension to trust this as he held her, like he was afraid that she was going to leave him again. Her hands slid up his chest and wrapped around his neck, allowing Johnny to hold her closer. His heartbeat was beginning to calm, accepting that she wasn't going to leave him like she had before.

"I'm not going anywhere, Johnny…" she said.

"I know… and when I saw you getting out of that cab… my heart just stopped and all I could think about was if it was just another dream…" he said.

The tone of his voice was so sad and wistful and Lulu could see two tears roll down his cheeks. She kissed his cheeks ever so softly on the tracks where they had fallen. For as long as she lived, she was going to never make him doubt her love for him. He reached out and touched her face, smoothing over her eyebrows, cheeks, and lips.

"And then I held you in my arms and felt you when we made love… and I knew that this was real and you had finally come back to me…" he whispered.

"After I found out about what Nikolas had done, I just—I just had to find you and make things right…" she said and Johnny gave Lulu a surprised look.

"You know?" he asked.

"Yes… Nikolas told me everything about how—how he made you leave me on the day of our wedding." Lulu said, pressing her forehead to his chest.

He took her hands in his own and kissed them softly, trying to reassure her. She had been so afraid that he was going to leave her again as he did before. The memory of their wedding and the pain that went along with it was still raw, especially when Johnny was near her but she knew that being with him, loving him and having her love returned would be what would heal the wound.

"I never wanted to leave you… I wanted to marry you and to have a life with you more than anything... walking away from that and from you was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I just felt like I didn't have a choice and that I would never be able to have you." Johnny whispered.

"I never thought that I would be able to be with you ever again. The first time that you left completely destroyed me inside and when I went to Crimson Pointe to find you but you weren't—you weren't there, I nearly died… being without you is not an option. I have you now and you have me… and it's going to stay that way for the rest of our lives…" she said.

His lips crashed down onto hers and she held his face in her hands as they kissed. His tongue greedily invaded her mouth, making her tremble out of sheer want, and when he pulled away, they were both gasping. His eyes were dark when he looked at her, saying that he wanted to have his way with her again, and he cupped her face in his hands.

"I love you, Lulu… I love you so much and I'm never going to walk out of you ever again…" he said and Lulu smiled, running her fingers through his hair.

"After everything that's happened between us… the lies that Nikolas told, you leaving and then coming back into my life, me pushing you away… after all of that, _I love you still…_" she said.

His eyes widened and softened and it dawned on her that it had been the first time in two years that he had heard her say that she loved him.

"I never realized how much I missed hearing those words come from you…" he said, smirking.

"Well, get used to hearing them because I'm going to keep saying them until the day that I die… I love you, Johnny Zacchara… I love you so much…" she whispered.

She almost didn't get that last 'I love you' out because Johnny had pulled her on top of him and kissed her so fiercely that she could barely even think straight. She realized that she had to lose him in order to figure out how much she really loved him and needed him. This entire ordeal had been a test. They had been young and foolish once upon a time, thinking that they could just be married and have a picturesque life but that's not how it worked. She realized that loving someone was about fighting for them, through the good and the bad, and that's what he had done for her. She and Johnny had been through hell and back and she knew that this time they would be stronger than ever.


	14. Epilogue

**A/N:** Short and sweet. Those are the two words that I have for this epilogue. I'm not sure if I like how this turned out but I just really wanted to get this out to you guys! So, I am disappearing for a bit as I recharge my creative juices. I do plan on writing at least one JoLu one-shot before I crank out my next long series, which I'm really excited about. So here's the last part of Broken Vow! I hope you guys like it and thank you for staying on this wild journey with me. You guys are the best!

* * *

**Epilogue**

Today was the beginning of the rest of her life.

Lulu exhaled and opened her eyes slowly. Who was that girl that was looking back at her in her vanity mirror? Her hair was perfectly curled and pinned with a white flower and her mother's antique diamond hairpins. Around her neck was a beautiful turquoise necklace with matching earrings. However, it wasn't the hair or the jewelry that made her reflection seem foreign.

The woman staring back at her seemed happy.

There was a smile that she hadn't been able to get rid of for three months and her eyes just seemed to be a bit brighter than they used to be. Maybe it wouldn't have been such a noticeable change to a regular person but Lulu could definitely see the change in herself.

"Miss Spencer! Telephone for you!"

Lulu recognized Marco's voice calling for her to answer the phone. She closed her white silk robe, stood up and went to the nightstand and picked up the phone, pressing it to her ear.

"Hello?" she asked.

"I know that today's the day… just wanted to call you and wish you good luck…"

She smiled at the sound of her brother's voice. Some people may have thought that she forgave Nikolas too easily for what he had done to break her and Johnny up but she was too happy to hold a grudge for that long and the distance between the two of them helped ease the tension between the siblings.

"Thanks, Nik… that means a lot to me…" she said.

"So I assume that you're going to be staying in Milan permanently…" Nikolas said.

"Yeah, the last of my boxes are coming in sometime this week…" she said.

"I don't blame you for ditching Port Charles… the weather here sucks compared to that gorgeous Mediterranean weather…" he said.

She rose from her seat at her vanity mirror and walked across the room. The French doors that led out to the small balcony were open and let in the beautiful sunlight from outside. As she looked around at hills that were lush and green, she couldn't help but to smile. She had never been this happy before. She was in the perfect place with the most perfect man for her by her side. It hardly seemed that it was just a few short months ago that she wasn't even certain that she would ever be happy again.

She was so glad that she was proven wrong.

"So are you nervous?" he asked.

"You know what? I'm not actually… I feel like my entire life has just been leading up to this moment and now that it's here, I'm just at peace because I know that _this is how things are supposed to be_." Lulu said.

"You know that I'm so happy for you… I just wish I could watch my little sister get married… but today is about you and Johnny… and Claudia is skeptical about air travel in her condition…" he said.

She paused at her brother's words. What did Nikolas mean by 'condition'? However, the answer dawned quickly on Lulu and she gasped, making Nikolas chuckle softly on the other end of the call.

"Nikolas? Is—Is Claudia—" she stammered.

"Yes, Claudia is pregnant…" Nikolas said, unable to hide his excitement.

"Oh my god! That's so exciting! Congratulations!" she squealed.

"Claudia is ecstatic and so is Spencer. He can't wait to be a big brother…" he said.

"And what about you?" she asked.

"I couldn't be happier…" he said.

And she truly was. She was glad that Claudia and Nikolas were able to get past everything because they loved each other and deserved to be happy.

Just like she and Johnny.

She sighed contently as her mind flitted to thoughts of her fiancé. She could picture him waiting for her on the terrace in a white button up shirt, with the first two or three buttons unbuttoned of course, looking like he walked straight out of a romance novel.

Her own romantic hero.

"Well, I don't want to keep you… your groom awaits…" he said.

Lulu looked down at her watch and gasped. She was running late.

"Oh my god, you're right. I have to run… but Johnny said that we would swing by Port Charles after our honeymoon… and I know that he'll especially want to go when he hears that he's going to be an uncle…" she said.

"We'd love to have the two of you…" he said.

"Ok, I'll speak with you later then…" she said.

"Good luck… and I love you, Lulu…" he said.

Her posture straightened at the sound of her brother's words. She had shunned Nikolas' I love you's for a while but the time and the distance between them was starting to heal the wounds and each time he said the words, the bitterness and the anger began to chip away. It took her a while but it was the first time in months where she didn't cringe at those three words. Now that she had everything that she could ever want, she didn't have it in her to be angry with him anymore. Not when she was completely in love with life and her fiancé.

She had finally found the strength to forgive.

"I love you too…" she whispered.

* * *

The sun shone brightly overhead as Johnny stood on the terrace. There wasn't even a slightest wisp of a cloud in the sky as he looked out towards the horizon. He should've been nervous about today. Any man would be nervous on the day of his wedding but he wasn't. He was surprisingly calm. After all of the torment that he had been through during the past two years, the shattered pieces of his life were slowly starting to fall back into place.

"Johnny?"

He turned around and his heart stopped when his eyes fell to his betrothed. Her golden curls that he could spend hours running his hands through were pinned back so that he could see every inch of her lovely face. Her skin was sun-kissed, a product of the two of them lounging about outside for the past two weeks, partaking in the beautiful weather. She wore a simple strapless floor length white dress with the turquoise necklace that he had bought for her recently.

"Come here…" he whispered, extending his hand out to his stunning bride.

She smiled and let her hand slip into his delicately and he pulled her to him. The past three months that they had been together had been so wonderful that he held onto Lulu just a little bit tighter everyday to make sure that he wasn't dreaming.

"Carla was so excited about the wedding that she made this impromptu bouquet for me…" she said, holding up a small bundle of white flowers.

"They're beautiful… and so are you…" he said.

His fingertips gently traced the curve of her cheek and she smiled. Every single time that he looked at her, he felt his heart sing inside of his chest. He never thought that he would be the one to fall to pieces over some girl but when he looked at her, all he could think about was how he couldn't **not** fall for her.

"Are you certain that you want to do this? We can wait if you want…" she said but he shook his head.

"No… I've waited too long for you... and I don't want to spend another day without you as my wife…" he whispered.

His forehead was pressed against hers and her arms were wrapped around his neck. He cupped her face in his hands and inched in to kiss her. She smiled and turned her lips away from his, chuckling softly.

"Not until the priest says so…" she muttered.

"Well then, we shouldn't keep him waiting…" he said.

Johnny turned towards the terrace doors and beckoned an older man towards the two of them. Johnny and Lulu held hands as the priest started to conduct the marriage ceremony. He could barely even pay attention to the priest's words because he was so entranced by Lulu's beautiful amber orbs as they stared straight back into his eyes.

"Would you like traditional vows or would you like to speak freely?" the priest asked.

He snapped out of his trance and opened his mouth to say that they would like traditional vows. The traditional ones would be faster and all he wanted to do was hear the words that would declare that Lulu was his forever.

"I have something that I would like to say…" she said before Johnny could utter a word.

The priest nodded and Johnny's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He had definitely not prepared anything to say but he held onto her hands as she let out a small breath and smiled.

"My life truly began three and a half years ago… I found myself walking on the side of a deserted road in the middle of the night and this beautiful vintage yellow Mustang pulled up next to me and then I saw the most gorgeous man that I've ever laid eyes on behind the wheel… brooding, cocky and extremely rough around the edges…" she started.

Johnny laughed as he remembered that night when they first met. They had been so different back then. **He** had been so different. He thought that he didn't need anybody but he had been so wrong. He needed her like he needed air in his lungs to breathe.

"But the more I got to know him, the harder I fell… until one day, he became my entire life… and after everything that has happened, after all of the bumps in the road to get here, I realized that I wouldn't have changed a thing because it's made me love him even more." Lulu said.

He felt her hands grip his tighter as her voice began to crack, letting her emotions slowly take over. Her eyes were bright and glassy, filled with tears not of sadness but of joy and of love. He had made her cry so much in the years that they had been together and this was the only time when he had actually been glad that he had brought her to tears.

"And I am so grateful that we have a second chance at a life together. I promise to never take that for granted and I promise to love you until the day that I die, Johnny Zacchara…" she said.

If he could've, he would've kissed her right there and then but since it wasn't the proper time, he just held her hand tighter, commanding his willpower to just last until the priest gave the ok for him to do so. He swallowed hard upon realizing that it was his turn to speak. He was replaying all of the moments from their life in his head as he racked his mind for the perfect thing to say.

"Three and a half years ago, I was in a dark place… I was trying so hard not to succumb to my inner demons and that all changed when I saw this girl… the most breathtakingly beautiful girl that I had ever laid eyes on hitchhiking on the side of the road." Johnny started.

Lulu laughed and he could see that young girl that she had once been when he first met her. She still had the same sparkle in her eye and the same passion that ruled her heart and that he felt every single time that she was near him.

"From the moment that I met her, I knew that she would be the one to change my life. She believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and loved me when I didn't think that I was worthy of love… and she still believes in me and loves me today and that makes me want to be a better person… and with her by my side, I know that I can be…" he said.

His voice began to crack and he bit his bottom lip. In all honesty, he didn't think that any words could adequately summarize the love that he felt for Lulu. In some way, he thought that if he tried to articulate it, it would somehow diminish the degree to which he loved her. She reached out and brushed a tear from his cheek that he didn't even know that he had shed. Upon feeling her hand on his face, he held her other hand tighter as he continued on with his vows.

"I promise to hold onto you through both the good and the bad and I promise to never let you not know how much I love you, Lulu Spencer…" he said.

They carefully exchanged rings, slipping on the platinum bands onto each other's fingers, where they would presumably stay for the rest of their days. The priest, after hearing Johnny and Lulu's heartfelt vows, let out a deep sigh and put his hand on his heart.

"I've heard many vows in my lifetime and I must say that those have to be some of the best ones I have heard in a long time… I now pronounce you, husband and wife…" the priest said.

"Can I kiss her now?" Johnny asked and the priest laughed.

"If I were you, I would…" he said.

Johnny pressed his lips to Lulu's, letting his hands come to her waist as her arms wrapped around his neck. After everything that they had been through, it was nothing less than a miracle that they were able to stand before each other and pledge their lives to each other. If put in their shoes, most people would've given up, not being able to handle the heartache. But the pain is always the worst before the healing and all things that are broken get rebuilt into stronger and better versions of themselves.

They would be stronger this time.

The promises that they made to each other would hold, each embrace would be tighter, each kiss a bit fiercer. Like they had promised each other, everything would be better and stronger than before.

And those vows would never be broken.

_I'd give away my soul  
To hold you once again  
And never let this promise end_

I let you go  
I let you fly  
Now that I know I'm asking why  
I let you go  
Now that I found  
A way to keep somehow  
More than a broken vow

"Broken Vow" – Josh Groban

**THE END**


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